Breaking News/Archive/092007

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Liberal Media Go After Papa Bear!

Liberals attack Stephen's mentor, Bill O'Reilly

THE NO SPIN ZONE, AMERICA, September 27, 2007-- What do Poopstupid.poop, George Soros, Michael Moore and Keith Olbermann have in common?

Besides hating America, they are the driving force against America's Newsman's mentor, the esteemed journalist, Bill O'Reilly.

The "issue" that got the bear lovers panties in a bunch occurred during one of Mr. O'Reilly's cable television news programs, when he discusses the issue for which he is renowned: race.

"I went to the deepest, darkest Harlem looking for a place that served my regular lunch of fried chicken and watermelon washed down with a carafe of Thunderbird. I found a restaurant named ██████'s, which is black owned and has black employees. I was offended when they refused to let me see the menu with the soul food. Furthermore, I knew they turned off the hippity-hop music. And I know they did it because I'm white. I encourage everyone who can hear my voice to boycott ██████'s until I can go in there as a white man and eat what I want and listen to my favorite Fiddy Cent tunes, m-f*ckers!" is asking all Americans to post your videos, pictures and sentiments on a new page, please click here and show your support for Mr. O'Reilly and his fight against racism in America!


Rosie O'Donnell Leads Protest For Homosexual Canadian Students

Hollywood loud-mouth, Rosie O'Donnell organizes protests in support of jailed faggots

J'NAIS BLANC, NOVA SCOTIA, CANADA, September 21, 2007-- Sexual tensions are high as outside agitators lead by Hollywood's human bullhorn, Rosie O'Donnell, descended on this small town to protest the incarceration of group of his fellow sisters.


The recent unpleasantries follows almost a year of daily taunts between the sides, which began with what locals call the "stall incident".

The Stall Incident

Everyone in J'Nais Blanc will tell you how peaceful their high school is.

"We've never had any problem with those kinds of folks, we just live and let live," principal Buck McConnell told, "as long as they stay in their place, everything is fine."

But everything wasn't fine when the first heterosexual student arrived at J'Nais Blanc. Reports say this student attended the freshman orientation assembly and inquired as to where he could sit, eat, which drinking fountains and bathrooms he could use. McConnell informed the misguided twink that he could sit and eat anywhere, drink from any fountain or use any bathroom he wanted to.

The older students, however, took offense and the next day pink ribbons shaped like nooses hung from the bathroom stall the students called "Wide Stance".

Punishment Fit The Crime?

J'Nais Blanc campus police caught the students in the act but locked the school down and interrogated students for hours nonetheless.

Rumours began circulating that the students suspected of making over the bathroom without permission did so in the hopes of being tasered by the stricter officers.

Principal McConnell met with the school board and the students involved were expelled indefinitely, effective immediately.

The remaining school body were given the rest of the day off, but the perpetrators are still in custody.

Word spread quickly in the small town as beauty salons and bathroom stalls were abuzz with syncopative outrage.

"Well, I never," Noxema Jackson, a demur lady of discreet refinement whispered to our reporter as she fanned herself from her fainting couch, "never have I been struck by such a profound spell of the vapours, that I feel I may never recover..."

Other more stable individuals were better able to express their outrage, "Granted, the reaction was quick, but the punishment was a little too severe in my opinion," a man woman person wrote to the local paper, "The school board must allow the families the opportunity to challenge the length of expulsion, otherwise the students education will be derailed until the entire family can relocate in order to enroll in a different district, if and when the students are returned from where ever they are being currently held."

How America Handles Disruptions on School Campuses

American political leaders expressed genuine shock and dismay upon hearing the news about their neighbors to the North.

"I cannot believe how quickly Canada has descended into a totalitarian state," former education committee member, Lindsey Graham wrote in a letter to Canada's Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, "the tasering I can see, but Mary please, being held indefinitely for a few bondage props? This is outrageous."

Mr. Graham pointed out that tasering students and the suspension of habeas corpus would never be tolerated in America, "We just don't do those kinds of things; we're a nation of laws. Despite it being against a bunch of queers (who I hate with the righteousness of Heaven itself), I am still against it and them of course, but mostly against breaking the rule of law more than denying the cubs their day in court."


The day after the lock down, students were still in a titter. Teachers had to break up several slap fights, mend countless broken nails and reattach meters of torn extensions. A few students were grateful that the campus police reacted the way they did, "If the campus police did nothing, it would have escalated and every bathroom would have been ruined, I don't even want to think about it." the student's name was withheld because he is a minor and cries like a girl.

The Greatest President Ever has asked The Greatest Secretary of State Ever, to meet with Canadian officials to end the hostilities and create a dialog so that the barbaric northern hoard can learn to be more like Americans.


Students Hurt Feelings of Halliburton Recruiter

In an ominous sign of things to come, University of Wisconsin students injure an innocent representative of an all-American corporation

After The Honorable Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA pointed out their rampant impotence and passivity in a recent episode of his award-winning news program, "The Colbert Report", American students across the nation were inspired to participate in their own lives. The campus of the University of Wisconsin-Madison took Dr. Colbert's words to heart, but shamefully misdirected them.

Witnesses say hundreds of students were picking on the Halliburton recruiter who showed up for their career job fair[1] . Some students called the unnamed recruiter names, while others called her mother names. In a written statement, Halliburton wanted to make clear that the recruiter's mother was in no way overweight or unattractive.

The assault took place after the recruiter curled up into the fetal position and started crying. Campus police (trained by Blackwater) appeared to disperse the orderly lines of students at the recruitment tables until one of them stood up and insisted he be allowed to walk out of the arena on his own.

A scuffle began, and guns were drawn. The auditorium where the incident has taken place has been cordoned off by police who promised to allow the press inside to interview people when everybody has time to calm down.

"We will be suing Colbert and all his followers for any harm done to any Halliburton employee on the campus or in this time zone," Melissa Norcross, a spokesmodel for Halliburton screamed at in a private internets, she continued, "Halliburton is protected by any number of new Executive Orders and anyone who harms America's Corporation™ should be sent to prison."

When more information becomes available, will bring it to you.


John Kerry Tasers Student During Townhall Meeting


Kerry drones on and on, making the photographer very sleepy...

Former Democrat President Candidate, John Kerry was arrested in Las Vegas for tasering a student who allegedly had medals Kerry claimed were his

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, September 17, 2007--Witnesses were shocked at the condition of the former Senator and wanna-be Greatest President (not!)

"At first I thought it was Tom Hanks doing a scene from that island movie with the volleyball," an unnamed college-aged person of unknown gender told late Monday, "then I thought he was Al Gore cause he was so fat."

The man the confused pre-soldier was referring to was Taxachusetts beauty queen, John Kerry, who came to Las Vegas to participate in a townhall meeting of sorts, but instead wound up arrested and jailed for assault with a mostly deadly weapon.

Kerry's spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous, leaked to the press that Mr. Kerry intended to answer the student's question. But became enraged after the student pulled what appeared to be two Purple Hearts from his pocket and taunted Mr. Kerry with them saying, "They're mine now, loser!"

Mr. Kerry was then seen chasing the student around the hall as the other people politely watched as if watching a play.

Once he caught up with the innocent student, Mr. Kerry pulled a taser out of his inside jacket pocket and shocked the student while shouting, "gimme back all my shit you stole from me motherf*cker![2]"

Mr. Kerry allegedly purchased several of the prestigious medals during the Vietnam War only to later throw them at Richard Nixon as he was hard at work at the White House.

"It was a perfectly legitimate photo-op at the time," Kerry's spokesman explained, "the medals were still Mr. Kerry's. How this student got the merchandise is not clear, and Mr. Kerry had every right to retrieve his property by any means necessary."

A preliminary investigation conducted by Las Vegas police has shown that Mr. Kerry is a whiny liberal, most likely gay and too much of a pussy to have ever earned combat medals, therefore the medals the student may or may not have had were certainly never the property of Mr. Kerry's.

In addition to the assault with a mostly deadly weapon, Mr. Kerry is charged with boring a an entire roomful of people to sleep and wearing breast tassels without a license, which in Las Vegas is a misdemeanor.

As Mr. Kerry was dragged away by the police, the remaining students gave the performance a standing ovation, but remained seated waiting for a second act.


Hooligans Stage Run On English Bank

Not as well known as their soccer counterparts, bank hooligans are at it again.

STARVING-UPON-DOORSTEP, ENGLAND, September 15, 2007--English bobbies (what they call the homosexual police brigade in England) have reported gangs of roving bank hooligans "making a run" on Northern Rock branches throughout the country.[3]

Witnesses say the hooligans have withdrawn 4-5% of Northern Rock's assets, the majority of which are unavailable due to being tied up in housing loans.

"It's a good thing most of our cash is dedicated to so many loans," an unnamed bank official told, "otherwise those damn hooligans might have caused a panic!"

Authorities at the Bank of England have stepped in to stem the crisis. Northern Rock has 18.9% of new lending in the U.K. which may account for their slow internets service. Officials, however, are skeptical saying the slow tubes may possibly be caused by the bank hooligans deliberately clogging the tubes preventing many legitimate customers from accessing their account information.

The Invisible Hand of The Market was unavailable for a direct comment, but sources close to The Hand say he is frightened by bank hooligans and took some of his toys and went home to hide under the covers.


Attention Alaska Elected Officials



Are you under investigation? Under indictment? Named "Stevens"[4]?

If you answered yes to any the questions above, you might need legal representation.

Call The Tom DeLay Legal Fund today!

Who better to represent Alaska's representatives than a man who's already been through the liberal biased judicial system and lived to tell about it?

Liberals are everywhere, looking for ways to twist the law to fit their agenda. Whether they are criminalizing politics or politicizing politics, liberals will stop at nothing to destroy everything that has made America the great Christian nation respected in every corner of the globe that we are today and have always been!

So long as you qualify and your check clears, TDLF will start on your defense as soon as humanly possible.

We have staff on call 24-hours a day, 7 days a week to take care of your every legal need:

  • an army of PR operatives
  • 527 attack groups armed with ads and open commercial time
  • loads and loads of good Christian donations!

If you're Republican and it's an election year, TDLF is there for you™!


Stephen's Jew Friend To Host Hollywood Orgy Awards Again

Hollywood's annual self-congratulatory snooze-fest will once again be hosted by a Jew

HOLLYWOOD, CAULIFLOWER, September 12, 2007--Waiting just one day after Patriots' Day, the filthy, filthy liberals of Hollywood have chosen Stephen's Jew Friend to host the Oscar awards, February 2008.[5]

Colin Powell Sets New 100m Dash Record


General Powell after breaking the record.

ROME, Georgia, September 9, 2007--Colin Powell, the former U.S. Secretary of State and a black man, ran extraordinarily fast at the GPP Grand Prix on Sunday to break the men's world record for speed and time in the 100-meter dash.

The previous record had been held by Helen Thomas, having been set at 8.75 seconds in the People's Republic of San Francisco at a Soviet Union- and Hezbollah-sponsored event in May 1982, back before Thomas began ingesting an ungodly amount of bruschetta chips for every meal.

Powell ran fast enough to obliterate Thomas's record with a time of 7.79 seconds. Even more impressively, he recited the Preamble to the United States Constitution as he sprinted.

After crossing the finish line, Powell promptly collapsed and had to be rushed to Walter Reed Army Medical Center for IV treatment. He is currently listed in stable condition, although the terror alert level remains orange, or "high risk of terrorist attacks," according to the Department of Homeland Security.

Powell was available for comments after being awoken from a catatonic state, kind of like in that one Robin Williams movie that was even less funny than the other Robin Williams movies, and had this to say about his track triumph.

"It feels great," the former Bush Administration figure said, "aside from the kidney failure and lung hemorrhage. I just ran like I had [Vice President] Dick Cheney and [former French President] Jacques Chirac behind me, and I was amazed at how fast that thought propelled me ... like a cruise missile into a Baghdad apartment complex."

The United Nations did not return our calls, having apparently engrossed itself in the business of deciding whether or not to place sanctions on some country in Africa that may or may not be made up as punishment for a genocide that allegedly may or may not have taken place there and was possibly or possibly not sponsored by that country's government. However, it seems safe to assume that they still want to kick the crap out of Powell.

They'll just have to catch him first.

The Greatest President Ever Reviews Surge First Hand

To confirm that his latest policy is following in the successes of his previous policies, The Greatest President Ever visits our troops in Iraq

THANK YOU AMERICA SHOPPING PAVILION, BAGHDAD, IRAQ, September 8, 2007--Chants of "Dubya Akbar! Dubya Akbar!" rose up from the orderly throng as The Greatest President Ever exited Air Force One waving to the appreciative and unarmed Iraqis who surrounded the plane, throwing flowers and candies with both intact and uninjured arms.

"He promised us he would return," Muqtada al Sadr shouted above his fellow jubilant countrymen, "and here he is, just like he said! Iraq loves you, Mister Boosh!"'s Middle Eastern correspondent was on hand to witness the 2-hours it took Mr. Bush to leave the Halliburton International Airport, in the heart of downtown Baghdad.

Mr. Bush's trip had been on the books for at least a year. Few advisers questioned his wisdom in sending the itinerary to the New York Times for publishing, as he did, nor did anyone question his decision to go with the minimum security contingent. An unnamed source with the secret service told that they were convinced the surge was working and would not undermine the Commander in Chief.

Once he was able to make it out of the airport and into the heart of the city, The Greatest President Ever insisted on doing some shopping. At first the merchants refused to take his money, finally allowing him to buy a large assortment of gifts for everyone in his family and staff.

The items Mr. Bush purchased were:

  • a Najaf snowglobe for Laura
  • a traditional black sharif turban for his father
  • a seven-veils dress for his mother, Barbara
  • a minaret-shaped personal massager for Condi
  • two souvenier spoons from Crawford, Texas' sister city, Ramadi (one each for the twins)
  • and an original copy of "The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam" (in the original Persian) for himself

The majority of Mr. Bush's trip was spent in the marketplace shopping and talking with the common Iraqi. As the day drew to a close, his staff had to pull him away from his adoring fans in Iraq so that he could visit the troops who were just as eager to thank him for his democracy-bringing strategy.


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