God Takes Away The Moon In Reaction To Gonzales' Retirement
The night will be a little darker today as God dims the Heavens in homage to His favorite Attorney General
WACO, TEXAS, August 27, 2007--Our Father, who art in Heaven has decreed that the night sky shall be darkened to commemorate the retirement of Alberto Gonzales as America's Greatest Attorney General Ever!
"Al Gonzales is a man of integrity, decency and principle," began Our Heavenly Father, "After months of unfair treatment that has created a harmful distraction at the Justice Department, Judge Gonzales decided to resign his position. It's sad that his good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons. And for this reason, I shall make the moon disappear at midnight and darken the Earth in the blackest night."
After The Father rode away on a pterodactyl, a host of Angels finished the press conference with a request that everyone bask in His fury tonight between 4:51 a.m. and 7:22 a.m. EDT (1:51-4:22 a.m. PDT).
Dress is casual (but not pagan casual) no sacrifices are welcome, but a love offering made out to the Alberto Gonzales Legal Fund will be accepted.
Anniversary of the Destruction of Trent Lott's Home
This week marks the second anniversary of the devastation to the home of one great American
PASCAGOULA, MISSISSIPPI, August 26, 2007--The oceans are calm and the wind gently blows Southern hospitality in from the gulf like the sweet kisses of magnolia on a warm summer day. Engines of commerce roar to life, filling the sky with the haze of a bustling economy. What doesn't float effortlessly among the clouds mingles in the waters below forming rainbows of prosperity that lap against its shoreline. Children play happily in the sand and racial purity having forgotten the terror of just two scant years ago, when this naval town's favorite son suffered a tragedy beyond imagination.
IT CAME WITHOUT WARNING
On August 26, 2005 the innocuous pair swept through Florida, just narrowly blocking the home of election crusader Katherine Harris from the sun. They casually moved toward the west like a braless congresswoman during a television interview, showing not a hint of the troubles to come.
The National Hurricane Center (NHC) struggled to track the pair of clouds that made up the storm as it moved on toward Texas. Within hours, the NHC soon became overwhelmed by calls from people claiming to work for the governor of a place called "Louisiana" and at the office of the mayor of a fictional town called "New Orleans". According to NHC records at the time, Texas was miles away and it seemed no Real American was in danger, if the so-called "system" were to escalate. But they couldn't be more wrong, the most important national landmark in the Mississippi gulf region: Trent Lott's Home would be covered in a shadow of terror!
However, if it wasn't for the courage of one man, NHC forecaster Buck Abramoff, America would never have been able to protect Trent Lott's Home if it were to bear the brunt of a major hurricane. Nor they feared, would they be able to restore it to its antebellum luster, or provide any assistance to the plantationful of seasonal residents who were there at the time, if any survived.
By early in the morning of the 27th, it was clear the storm was getting bigger and something was sure to happen to Trent Lott's Home.
THE AL QAEDA OF STORMS
By early in the morning of the 27th, it was clear the storm was getting bigger and Trent Lott's 156-year-old treasure was in imminent danger. Mississippi governor, Haley Barbour was forced to use his direct hotline to the president who was conducting the business of the people, but dropped everything to take the call.
Transcripts reveal The Greatest President Ever's leadership-like actions as Barbour cried like a girl.
- THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER: Stop crying Barbarella, I've got the Coast Guard on high alert, and when it's safe they'll be following the storm in with relief supplies and personnel to begin rescue operations once those precarious levees spill over. But, don't you worry, we've got more than enough supplies to help out the entire area, just hold your horses, we've been planning this for years..."
Texas Planning 400th Execution!
America's most American state is ready to pull away from the pack!
CRAWFORD, TEXAS, August 21, 2007--If everything goes as planned, America's ballsiest state will set an American record for executions sometime today!
"There is no evidence," Cheese-Eater McSurrender Monkey, from the European Union cried to the press, "to suggest that the use of the death penalty serves as a deterrent against violent cri...
Ha! This is America jack! And you can't tell us how to run our businesses! Do we tell you how to surrender!? How to pee yourselves? How to satisfy your women!?!
See Also: Texas Execution Party
Texas Governor, Rick Perry, not one to hide from the responsibilities of his office fired his entire staff just so he could release a statement, instead of hiding behind a spokesman. Mr. Perry told reporters that, " he wasn't sorry for the execution. I am looking forward to our next one."
Just before leaving for an after party, Perry shouted, "Don't mess with Texas!"
Texas is s-o-o lucky!
Man To Challenge The Duggar Family
A man from the United Arab Emirates vows to have 100 children before he dies, wives unavailable for comment
EAST HOUSTON, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES, August 20, 2007--After reading about America's most prolific family, the Duggars, Abdullah al Osmond has vowed he will have a larger family.
"They aren't even Catholic, for Christ sake!" Mr. al Osmond said through an interpreter, "Seriously I have 17 wives, not 17 kids from one wife! There is no Arabic word for clown car"
Mr. al Osmond is planning on getting several more wives to meet his goal of 100 children before he turns 68 (in 2015). "I don't want to spend the rest of my life tied down," Mr. al Osmond said.
Eleven Scientologists Try To "Meet Xenu"
Several members of Tom Cruise's religion were injured during the filming of his new movie
Die Wissenschaft der Studie der Wissenschaft, Germany, August 20, 2007--Members of the "Church" of $cientology attempted what normal people call "suicide", but that "church" members call "going to meet Xenu".
Witnesses say the cult (what a group of $cientologists are called) were on the set of Miss Cruise's new movie about a non-Nazi German who tried to kill Hitler. The cult were riding in the back of a parked truck when one of them stripped his clothes off and jumped out, quickly followed by the others.
Accounts state the man shouted something before blocking pedestrian traffic on the platz. Shoppers then began shouting things at the entangled mass of twisted humanity.
The cult were taken to a local hospital, where they collectively refused even the most basic mental health care and have been released to continue their truck jumping and sidewalk blocking.
Howard Dean To Sweep Through America's South
Former Governor, 2000 Presidential candidate and leader of the liberal hoard, Howard Dean, has announced he will tour America's south
NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER, FLORIDA, August 17, 2007--Best known for his guttural Iowa melt-down, Dr. Dean is hoping to improve his image with NASCAR dads with his multi-city tour.
No stops have been announced yet, but residents have been put on alert for the feisty old coot.
"I am familiar with these kinds of things," Florida governor and avowed heterosexual told Wikiality.com by phone, "no matter how much hot air he blows around, we'll be ready"
Texas and the rest of the south have been batter all summer with visits by other liberals, but nothing as big as Dean.
"We had Mike Gravel and John McCain sleep in our parks," bragged Mississippi governor Haley Barbour, "but they only stayed the night, sneaking back out to where ever it was they came from before dawn."
No confirmation yet as to any other candidates sleeping in other parks, but Bob Allen promises to keep an eye out.
Bag Lady Given Nobel Prize
The Swedish science-huggers have given their precious award to a homeless woman
CANCUN, MEXICO, August 17, 2007--Rigoberto Menchu, Guatemalan bag lady was discovered hanging out at an exclusive Mexican resort frightening the security staff.
Best known as the recipient of the Nobel Prize for homelessness, Ms. Menchu was removed from the lobby of Recurso, Balneario y Casino de la Ironía, an exclusive casino that was set to host a conference about drinking water and indigenous peoples.
Witnesses say Ms. Menchu entered the lobby through the front door at approximately 2:30 p.m. local time, taking a prominent seat before casino security staff approached her.
After a prolonged scuffle, Ms. Menchu escaped into the streets.
No word yet on her whereabouts or what happened to her shopping cart.
Why Won't Hillary Release Her Papers?
WASHINGTON, D.C., August 14, 2007--Hillary Clinton is trying to Rodham all the records about her when she was First Lady under Bill Clinton (above Monica).
In her ceremonial position as unelected First Lady, Mz. Clinton attended every meeting in the Oval Office that did not include interns. During these meetings, insiders tell Wikiality.com that Mz. Clinton furiously took notes even going so far as to openly record the procedings with a foot-activated audio recording device and routinely demanded that people (most of the time it was Vince Foster) speak up. Witnesses also say she always had a miniature camera with her every where she went. The records are reported to contain evidence of her poseesion by the devil and lesbian affairs with fellow anti-American Madeleine Albright while Michael Moore watched.
All these documents, photographs and tape recordings are hidden away in the Bill Clinton Governor Archive in some podunk Arkansas swamp.
"No one has ever done anything remotely as secretive as what Hillary is doing," Presidential father and doddering old paratrooper, George H.W. Bush said, "I'm following him around in a covert CIA operation, which isn't really illegal to talk about, so that America can finally know every single detail of what these people are hiding"
Dennis Hastert To Retire
Venerable American and the only House Speaker who held two seats, Dennis Hastert announced his retirement.
WASHINGTON, D.C., August 14, 2007--
After nearly twenty years in office, Illinois congressman, Dennis Hastert, the man who lost his job to a woman has announced his retirement one day after The Greatest Presidential Adviser Ever! announced he would be spending more time with his family.
"The halls of this congress will be empty without him," John Boehner, current minority leader of the House told Wikiality.com, "and so will the cafeteria and men's room and sauna."
Hastert's legacy will include his bipartisanship. When he was in power as speaker of the house, he selflessly ruled that searching William Jefferson's congressional office was stepping over the bounds of tradition and Congress. Mr. Jefferson was a democrat from Louisiana who was charged with corruption and was known for keeping $90,000 in cash in his freezer Mr. Jefferson's other crimes (which may have included rape and murder) were not reported on by the liberal media.
And while everyone was calling for Jefferson to be hanged from the highest tree like some strange fruit, Hastert lead the opposition for his fellow congressman, saying:
"If they can go after him, they might one day go after me, or rather someone innnocent--like me"
Mr. Hastert leaves behind a staff, several hooker/girlfriends and untold amounts of pork and just as many lobbyists.
Texas Town Runs "Chick Cop" Out Of Town!
After the surge of success from almost weekly tax cuts, the town of Dawson, Texas is now going to clean up by removing all tax-subsidized abominations
DAWSON, TEXAS, August 14, 2007--Running a city is hard work and the people in Dawson, Texas know all about hard work.
All 800 or so residents spend their days working and only want to come home after this day of hard work to spend their hard-earned money.
And spend they do. Census figures show the median income for the little town is $25,000 the majority of it coming from out of state "living subsidies". The town also boasts 14 mega churches whose coffers are always filled to the brim with hard earned money.
Lately, however, Dawson has been hit with the hard times that always accompany the ascension of liberals somewhere in the world. They are having a hard time working hard enough to keep their little town afloat, financial-wise. The town is $15,000 in debt and losing about $1,000 a month, even after the town bequeaths 10% to each of the local churches.
"What I don't understand is, how did this happen!?" city councilman Billy Joe Cletus entered into the record during the last city council meeting-GOP fundraiser, "I mean, we're Real Americans here, we got no lezbeans, no Jesus-haters or Jesus Killers here in town. How the hell did we get in this mess?"
The meeting was attended by every town member as soon as the snake-handling session let out and the feeling was clear: something had to go.
The town decided to keep their laser light Year-round Nativity scene and Adopt A Convicted Republican program, which is (in the words of the locals) "what makes Dawson livable". The town decided to get rid of the biggest waste of taxpayer dollars: the single police officer.
"We can hire security guards, going private always costs less," Cletus declared to wild cheers from the mostly dressed citizens.
Dawson looks like it's going to survive this hard patch and come out on the other side just fine.
The YouTube Wants Dr. Colbert To Help Them Fight The Viacom
The YouTube, young America's favorite video webtube is begging Dr. Colbert for his help in its battle with The Viacom
CYBERTOWN U.S.A., AMERICA'S INTERNETS TUBES, August 14, 2007--In their long standing battle with The Viacom, The YouTube has called on America's newsman, The Honorable Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert DFA to help them.
"No one else can save us, help us C-Train!"
The tube in distress started only a few years ago with a few videos of college students showing water freezing at room temperature and staged cat boxing matches. Soon it gained a reputation as the most comprehensive collection of masturbating monkeys, teens giving lazy homeless their own personal smack-down and extraordinarily bad singers the world has ever seen.
Heroic Americans, however, saw a better use of The YouTube internets tube: sharing truthiness and began to "upload" segments of The Colbert Report for research purposes.
Students everywhere rejoiced, finally first-hand oral accounts of truthiness were only a tube connection away 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The videos proved to be the most popular on the site garnering more "hits" than Hungarians in Hungary.
The Viacom, Dr. Colbert's owner waited patiently for their check and when it did not come sued The YouTube for distributing truthiness without a license.
The YouTube immediately panicked and whined to an activist judge that every employee of The Viacom should be deposed in a tactic common to liberals trying to bury their opponents in paperwork until the judge says "uncle".
Wikiality.com is asking heroes everywhere to protect Dr. Colbert from being served a subpoena. Heroes, if you see anyone trying to hand Dr. Colbert sheets of paper, you are hereby deputized by the Homeland Security Department to take them down with extreme prejudice.
Ask no questions; for the sake of freedom, prevent the deposition from taking place.
Scientists Combat Alcoholism
Scientists have been working on a cure for alcoholism
IDAHO STATE UNIVERSITY, POCATELLO, IDAHO, August 14, 2007--After years of forcing countless mice into alcoholism, an Idaho scientist believes he is on the verge of finding a cure to end the debilitating dependency that cripples thousands of Americans and their families each and every day. And he is employing the scientist's favorite and most efficient tool (and common house-hold item) to do so: the highly addictive placebo pill!
Industry leader in helpful medicine, Prescott Pharmaceuticals, has announced its "Vaxa" line will be releasing their own alcohol addiction-ending product later in the year.
God is punishing California for Nancy Pelosi
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, August 9, 2007, 08:03, 9 August 2007 (UTC)--
Updates to follow...
Nevermind, it was only a 4.5. Go back to bed.
Possible aftershock! --19:24, 16 August 2007 (UTC)
- 3.5 magnitude
Al Gore's Climate Change Keeps Stephen Colbert From Arriving At Airport CeremonyDr. Colbert unable to participate in pre-boarding virginality screenings.
John F(an of Virgins) Kennedy International Airport, NEW YORK, August 8, 2007-- Scores of American Virgins were deeply saddened and disappointed at the absence of Stephen Colbert at the christening of the plane that was to bear his name earlier this morning. Virgin America, a new airline owned by renowned bearded virgin Richard Branson, was to have its virgin flight across America depart from New York to San Francisco, a city known for its scores of unmarried (and therefore virginal) men.
Aviation officials cite the phenomenally bad weather for the absence of Colbert and other virginity experts from the celebration. When asked to speculate, FAA Deputy Director and 46 year-old virgin Leslie Hopley replied, "It's pretty obvious - Al Gore is using his new Climate Changing Device in a vain attempt to defeat Stephen Colbert. I'd be upset too if I was a virginal-presidential-race-loser and not invited to such a clean and wholesome American inaugural (or rather, virginal) event."
Thirty-nine year old comic book store owner Roger Geddings of Port Washington, NY was especially emotional over missing Colbert. "It was bad enough I had to wait an extra month for the first issue of Tek Jansen to come out - now this. I was really looking forward to having my virginity confirmed by Dr. Colbert. I guess I'll have to wait a while for that as well. THANKS A LOT, MR. GORE"
U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security and 53-year old Jewish virgin Michael Chertoff was reluctant to raise the terror alert following nearly-credible reports of Al Gore's weather machine, but immediately changed it to HIGH (that's orange, right?) after hearing about rumors over Barack Obama's recently acquired army of nucular (and suspected non-virginal) monster lizards.
City Of Montreal Revealed To Be Skank - Boston Scared Into Using Condoms
Buffalo denies giving Montreal "The Clap."
Idle gossip from That Cold Fish Down The Street, August 7, 2007-- According to cities hanging outside the Public Health Clinic at the mall, Montreal was seen leaving, crying and distraught over the news of her flare-up of gonorrhea. At present, it is unclear who gave her the STD. Some municipalities suggest that Detroit gave it to her during spring break, other sources claim that St. Louis shared it with her behind the Burger King next to the Wal-Mart.
When asked to comment, Montreal's sister Harrisburg rolled her eyes and chuckled. "No surprise there. She fancies the bad boys, like the other day I caught her coming out of the linen closet with Seattle. I mean, ewww! That guy doesn't even bathe! At one time people would recognize me as the capital of Pennsylvania - now, it's all 'hey, isn't that the French-Canadian slut's sister? Whatever!"
A visibly disturbed Pittsburgh took a break from scratching his crotch to offer an opinion. "That Montreal? Oh yeah, she knows how to have fun. And I mean FUN. You know what I mean? Now if you excuse me, I need to get this prescription filled."
Public health officials are asking that anyone that has had intimate contact with Montreal immediately be tested for STDs.
Fred Thompson Program To Help The Environment!
Presidential Almost-Candidate, Fred Thompson unveiled his personal contribution to helping America's Planet avoid the myth of global warming.
McLEAN, VIRGINIA, August 6, 2007--Even though he hasn't officially declared his candidacy, Fred Thompson released a statement today describing his environmental-friendly plan for the well-being of the environment.
The note said, in part, that Mr. Thompson has repackaged his daily routine as environmentally conscious to coincide with new scientific evidence showing that the amount of fuel it takes to drive a car to the store and back is actually less than the amount it takes to grow the food a person would need to walk to the store and back.
A spokesman for the not yet declared candidate has informed Wikiality.com that Mr. Thompson will hold a press conference from his bedroom, just as soon as he wakes up.
Another Bountiful Harvest In Afghanistan!
The flowers are blooming again in Afghanistan! And just in time for the September surge!
Kabul, Afghanistan, August 4, 2007--Jorge Ahmed Hussein Nangarhar watches as his father gathers another bushel full of the crop his family has harvested for generations on this hillside outside Kabul, Afghanistan.
His family has been growing poppies long before the British came and went, the Soviets came and went and the Taliban came and went and came back. But this time, with or without an embargo, with or without leaflets from the sky promising cash or salvation if only they would grow something else, the Nangarhar family is determined to grow the crops of their choice on their ancestral land.
"One day, I will greet the man for whom I was named with these beautiful flowers," young Jorge cries out waving his arm stumps in glee.
Afghanistan's farmers have always been self-sufficient and farming is really all they have ever known. It is hard work, but the poeple are proud and their work ethic is obvious in the children who join their parents in the fields.
"We work fast," 5-year-old Mohammed al-Unocal Pashtun tells us, stopping long enough to show off his callouses, "and when we have hands, they are tiny and help us collect the harvest carefully."
As Mohammed describes his work, a group gathers at the edge of the field pointing and whispering. Mohammed, it seems is considered somewhat of a freak: both his parents are alive and he has both his hands. This has created resentment among his peers as he is the only child with such luxuries.
"Mohammed is lazy," an armless pregnant girl named Condoleezza Ghazn al-Cheney Badakhshan informs the Wikiality.com reporter, "he has no children, no wives and he has arms. His arms show how little he works."
Surviving in the Global Market
Afghanistan is unique among its neighbors. It is a barren hellscape like the rest of the stans, but it has few natural resources. Although the caves are filled with shiny, colorful stones, American businessmen have determined they are actually rhinestones and purchased the rights to them from the locals for a herd of goats that died within days from mad cow.
Aside from the rocks and dirt, nothing grows in Afghanistan except poppies.
Beautiful, beautiful poppies.
And it is this crop American businessmen are able to sell in the world market on behalf of their backward Afghani brothers.
Now that American businessmen are helping the indigenous farmers, they regularly hit 90% and above market share, hitting 95% in the first two quarters of 2007 alone.
When the financial news finally made its way back to this remote area, the air was filled with firecracker-like AK-47 gunshots that often follow good news.
An Amazing Comeback
Once one of the poorest nations on America's Planet, Afghanistan is now enjoying a boom in the poppy business.
Their market share has translated into untold profits for the corporate owners and the farmers couldn't be happier.
"I am patiently awaiting the "Rooster's Egg" promised to me by the Americans," said Jorge's father, Halliburthani al-Massoud, "I have spent many a day tending the fields and many nights hunting snipe anticipating a return on my investment!"
He smiled and turned back to the field as a small explosion went off near-by.
Sounds like someone is celebrating early!
America's Infrastructure Is Fine
WASHINGTON, D.C., August 3, 2007--During his final press conference of the month, The Greatest President Ever informed the press corp to tell America how safe everything is:
"America is safe, but not from terrorists. America's bridges are safe, the underground pipes are safe, the ports and train stations are safe. But, the border and phones and emails are not safe. We have to do what we can to fight the terrorists and their supporters. But not on bridges, because those are safe. God Bless America. Now, watch this vacation!"