Breaking News/Archive/072007

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Penguins Are Evolving!

A new breed of penguins are showing up on the beaches of South America.

MONTEVIDEO, URUGUAY, July 27, 2007--People on the Atlantic coast of Uruguay have reported penguins washing ashore covered in oil.

"This can only mean one thing, a new species of penguin (dubbed the Slick) has been discovered" renown creationist and noted biological scientist, Kent Hovind informed the press with a wink, "either that or they're 'evolving'! (laughter)"

Mr. Hovind called the press conference to discuss this finding to relay the official word, "there really is no other explanation, certainly not one that puts our Petrochemical masters in a bad light."

The Magellanic penguins (Spheniscus magellanicus) are an endangered species believed to number no more than a few hundred in the wild and some scientists believe this is a sign from God, "It is His way of removing them from His planet," an unnamed official in The Greatest Administration Ever read to over the phone from a prepared statement, "Obviously, we cannot and should not interfere. Bless His Holy Name!"

Al Gore somehow got's fax number and sent a rambling emotional polemic certain that there had to be an oil spill somewhere in the vicinity and that possibility should be investigated.

But he was not able to reply to our question to him about why something so important didn't get in the news.

Explain that Mr. pengiuns-covered-in-oil-means-oil-has-been-spilled-even-though-FOX-never-mentioned-it.

In other news, Shell Oil and British Petroleum have sent researchers to Uruguay to follow a lead that a new oil reserve has been discovered.


The Greatest Administration Ever Subpoenas Michael Moore

SMOKESCREEN, TEXAS, July 27, 2007--After careful deliberation, The Greatest Administration Ever sent a subpoena to documentary liberal filmmaker, Michael Moore to inquire about his trip to the communist island of Cuba.

"That will show 'em!" an unnamed administration official told asking that his identity not be revealed, "Let's see how much those people can remember when they get asked questions under lights and stuff."

The administration has prided itself on upholding the law in every case in every jurisdiction in every courtroom in America. Their record against terrorists has been stellar with a 5,000% conviction rate, catching the majority of the terrorists before they strike.

When asked to comment, Mr. Moore mumbled something about "pre-trial discovery" and how he can question anyone he wants including the very members of the administration who subpoenaed him.

"And they have to comply," Moore shouted as he laughed to his bank where he withdrew an undisclosed amount of cash to throw at his lawyers.


Bush Polyps Prompt Official Recognition of Cheney Presidency

Washington, D.C., July 21-- As The Greatest President Ever underwent surgery to have several polyps removed from his colon, The Greatest Vice President Ever briefly became the Greatest President For Two Hours - Ever.

While President, Cheney proceeded to perform his usual duties, sources close to the former President tell "Well, I suppose it might have been a bit out of the ordinary, but everybody knows 'President' is just an honorary title anyway. I mean, VP is where all the real work is done. Heck, being President would practically be a vacation for Dick."

Added a Presidential aide (speaking on condition of anonymity), "If Cheney were to become President - and I'm only saying 'if' - that would not - not - indicate any admission on behalf of the President - or Vice President, as the case may be - that he is, was, or ever had been, a member of the Executive Branch of the United States Government."

President Cheney relinquished his nominal promotion with President Bush's return to power upon recovery from the effects of anesthesia. "Where've I been, Dick," the President mumbled as he staggered back into the Oval Office, veto stamp in hand.

"You've been to the hospital," Former President Cheney yelled at the confused newly re-empowered leader of the free world. Cheney then proceeded to mumble something that sounded like "idiot man child" as he hurried off to his undisclosed location.


Heaven Reports Mascara Shortage

Heaven, July 23-- Following the recent Calling Home of Holy Super Diva Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, sources in the Heavenly cosmetics industry are reporting a shortage in supplies of several lines of eye makeup products.

"Oh, yeah," says Archangel Lurleen, "We're almost totally outta powder blue eyeshadow. Been selling like hotcakes ever since Tammy Faye arrived. You know, she always was a trend setter. And the pencils! Oh my gawd. Can't keep em in stock. Course, you know, just between you, me, and St. Anne, Tammy Faye don't use no pencils herself - got tattooed eyebrows, can you believe it! And she always goes for the liquid eyeliners. But don't tell no one, 'kay, honey? Cuz, I mean, my commissions are gonna be through the clouds this month. Cheez oh Pete! You wanna talk about some Rapture?? Ca-ching!"

But it's not all grace notes in The Great By and By, as Tammy Faye's arrival has also set off a trend that doesn't thrill all Heavenly Residents. "The weepers," complains a curmudgeonly Cherub who agreed to be interviewed only on condition of anonymity. "Oi vey. Everywhere you go these days, with the wailing and the sobbing. And the mascara, it gets everywhere! This is Heaven, ladies. Think for a second before you put that stuff on, why don't you? With the white robes, and the clouds, and the roads made of white marble and mother of pearl? The next time you drip that stuff, eh? Just think about that."

Meanwhile, here on Earth, the departure of Mrs. Bakker Messner still reverberates amongst her bereaved friends and relatives. Her loss will be felt for a long time, especially amongst her devoted fans and look-alikes in the LBGT community.


Joseph Wilson's Wife Reveals Ending of Final Harry Potter Book


Soon to be Scooter Libby's Wife

After having a non-activist judge throw out her civil suit against members of The Greatest Administration Ever, Joseph Wilson's Wife retaliates by ruining the ending of a popular children's book.

WASHINGTON, D.C., July 19, 2007--Using friends deep within the liberal media cabal, Joseph Wilson's Wife published classified details about the most anticipated book since The Reagan Diaries, consequently destroying the lives of thousands of occultist children.

"For someone who claimed to have worked for the CIA," an unnamed official from The Greatest Administration Ever told, "you would think she could keep secrets better than that!"

"I couldn't stop her," George Soros cried to Alan Colmes, "I offered her the same amount of money Cindy Sheehan accepted to stalk The Greatest President Ever, but she just told me to go "eff" myself!"

The Book At The Center of The Controversy!

The final book in the Harry Potter series, called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, was scheduled to be released on July 21, 2007. Until Joseph Wilson's Wife disclosure today, the ending had been kept a secret by every media outlet. Which was contrary to the liberal's agenda of not thinking of the children.

Joseph Wilson's Wife however, made no such promise. She didn't think of the children, and she she didn't follow Satan's Handmaiden's call to jihad (keep the contents of the book a secret ensuring more people will fall into her coven). If only Joseph Wilson's Wife had a work record showing whether or not she could be trusted with information of such great import, this could have been avoided.

Her neighbors on the other hand, had plenty to say about how easy Joseph Wilson's Wife was when she dipped into the Wilson's ample liquor cabinet.

"Joseph Wilson's Wife was always spreading gossip about members of the PTA," learned from an unnamed neighbor of the Wilsons, "somehow she was able to gather data from conversations she was not involved in, even after we went to elaborate lengths to set her up. To this day, we have no idea how she found out about her surprise birthday party; we used to joke that she bugged our phones!"

The presiding and unbiased judge, John D. Bates was shaken upon hearing the news. "I blame myself for all of this," he said between sobs, "my grandchildren will not speak to me. They blame me for ruining the ending."

How did Joseph Wilson's Wife Find Out The Ending

Investigators are not saying how Joseph Wilson's Wife found out about the ending, but insiders have told that Robert Novak may have been involved:

"Leaks are part and parcel of the business of Washington," said's secret spy, code named Douchebag of Liberty, "but some secrets should never be revealed due to how integral to national security they are. This is far worse than revealing the name of a covert CIA operative. This is treason."

When asked for her take on to why Joseph Wilson's Wife would hurt America's children, Nancy Pelosi tried to change the subject to Karl Rove and something about the CIA. But our intrepid reporter insisted Pelosi answer the question only to be rewarded with a short meeting between Pelosi's bifurcated tail and his face and the haunting memory of her hooves clicking all the way down the hallowed marble hallways of Congress.


Website To Sue Comedy Central For Stealing Idea

The foremost website in truthyisms, has filed papers to sue Comedy Central and the producers of "Lil Bush" for stealing the idea for their show. Home Office in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, July 18, 2007--After reviewing more episodes than they ever wanted to, the legal team representing has sued "whoever is responsible" for infringing on the GNU U.S. Copyright-protected material™ found on the page Religious Babies and all associated articles (e.g. The Baby Jesus, The Baby Satan, The Baby Xenu, et al.) contends that the writers and creators of "Lil Bush" derived the idea for their program from the website's adoration of The Baby Jesus. In factiness, the website has filed many lawsuits regarding their copyrighted property of The Baby Jesus.

In addition to challenging all unlicensed uses of the Religious Babies franchise, will file any infringements on their page The.

Please check back often, as this story will be updated with the latest in intellectual property protections.


Not Gay Florida Representative Arrested For Total Misunderstanding That Was Not An Offer Of Gay Sex

Bob Allen (R-Merritt Island), a Florida state representative and the co-chairman of Senator John McCain’s Florida campaign, was arrested on Wednesday afternoon, July 11th, 2007, at a local park in Titusville after the Devil forced him to offer to perform a sex act on an undercover officer in exchange for $20, police said.

Allen told a television reporter that what happened was a "misunderstanding." What happened was that Allen really needed to pee, and offered the officer $20 dollars to 'blow out of there for me.' A statement the officer completely misheard.


Supreme Court Cuts Off Funding for University Research

After a scathing study, Washington University in St. Louis finds its federal funding cut off.

ST. LOUIS, FLYOVER AMERICA, July 11, 2007--The United States Supreme Court, whose 2007 term is about to come to a very productive and fruitful close, has decided to take a look at one more ruling before going on their regular 4-month vacation.

Breaking with tradition, this court has chosen to rule not on a case that has made its way through the appeals system, but on a scientific study reported on today (but conducted by Washington University in St. Louis well over a month ago) even before it got a chance to offend anyone.

The study was conducted by a tenured factonista and a younger colleague, presumably his intern, who wasted precious praying time on studying the brains of old people.

During a hastily called press conference, John Paul Steven was asked to explain why they decided to focus on this particular study, the aide holding Mr. Steven's ear horn, rolled him toward the microphone:

"I would like to know who put a whoopie cushion on my bench!? And who let all you people in here, eh? Get off my damn lawn!"

Mr. Stevens proceeded to throw his teeth at reporters as he was rolled back to the Supreme Court day room.

After a lunch of Fancy Feast Grilled Seafood Feast in Gravy, Ensure and Vaxa-Smacks, the court ruled 5-4 against the study.


Bush Commutes Sara Taylor's Sentence

After one solid day of heated testimony, The Greatest President Ever spared Miss Taylor from further questioning.

WASHINGTON, D.C., July 11, 2007--Senate Judiciary Committee chairman, Patrick Leahy had called for the meeting to begin at 10 a.m. sharp, but there was a problem.

As per Nancy Pelosi's 2007 directives for Congress, every congressional hearing must begin with a laser light show, a live band of at least 14 (a horn section and choir included), dancers and a fog machine. But, according to insiders, Mr. Leahy will not allow hearings to be held without obeying Pelosi's exact commands.

"One of the dancers twisted her ankle, and Supreme Committee Chair Leahy will not allow hearings to begin unless all performers are ready," an intern told on condition her identity not be disclosed, "The last time this happened, Tom Coburn volunteered to take the cage girl's place and Kennedy practically blew a gasket. Please don't tell Supreme Committee Chair Leahy, he doesn't like leakers."

The hearing did finally begin, when a stunning Eleanor Holmes Norton stepped in to help her fellow communist out of a difficult situation, even bringing her own tassles.

However, just as Miss Taylor rose to take the oath, Alberto Gonzales ran into the hearing room, announcing that The Greatest President Ever had intervened on Miss Taylor's behalf in effect ending the hearing indefinitely.

As the fog cleared from the room, the feathers were swept away and Mr. Coburn was helped down from his cage, America can rest assured that no terrorist was helped on this day.

And justice was done.




A story in the latest edition of News, asserted that Sara Taylor had received a commutation to end the show trial that trapped America in the grasp of the liberal media. It was not Sara Taylor, but Harriet Miers who received the grace from The Greatest President Ever. The writer, the internets typist and everyone involved in the story have been given time off to move to their new home in Gitmo. has now washed our hands of the whole sordid affair and ask that we all put it behind us and move forward.

God Bless America!


Democratic Entrapment Plan Ensnares Republican Senator

WASHINGTON, July 9, 2007 - Senator David Vitter, R-La., apologized Monday night for "a very serious sin in my past" after his telephone number appeared among those associated with an escort service operated by the so-called "D.C. Madam."

"This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there — with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way."

Unlike former President Bill Clinton, Vitter's family and God have forgiven him, just as all true Americans will. Vitter received a series of deep tissue massages that were in no way sexual.

Vitter and his wife, Wendy, live in Metairie, La., with their four children. It is unknown if he will leave the Senate to spend more time with them.

In 2000, Vitter was included in a Newhouse News Service story about the strain of congressional careers on families.

His wife was asked by the Newhouse reporter: If her husband was as unfaithful as Livingston or former President Bill Clinton, would she be as forgiving as Hillary Clinton?

“I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary,” Wendy Vitter told Newhouse News. “If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.”"

It is unknown if Vitter's penile reattachment surgery was successful.

UPDATE: July 12, 2007

Dastardy pornographer Larry Flynt released the phone record that led to Vitter's admission that he'd been a customer of Pamela Martin & Associates, the escort deep tissue massage service run by Deborah Jeane Palfrey on July 12, 2007.

During his press conference, Flynt said that he'd outed Vitter -- and would be outing others, because of his hypocrisy; or as he put it: "I'm not exposing anyone's sex life, I'm only exposing hypocrisy."

Vitter's phone number appeared at least five times in the billing records of Palfrey's business, the first just four months after he was sworn in to the U.S. House in 1999 and the last on Mardi Gras of 2001.

UPDATE 2: July 12, 2007

Sources indicate that Senator Vitter may like to wear a diaper while receiving deep tissue massages.



After a long holiday weekend, support for The Greatest President Ever has more than doubled among white, male Republicans still working on the White House staff.

WASHINGTON, D.C., July 9, 2007--The air was humid and the sun beat down relentlessly. Dozens of servants scurried about delivering iced drinks as quickly as their nappy legs could carry them.

Yet there seemed to be no relief.

It was another July day in America and the hard work of politics had been suspended to celebrate the old girl's birthday.

Joining the members of the other three branches of the federal government, congressmen, their aides and interns emptied the nation's capitol for their home districts, beating a hasty retreat from the blanket of oppression that is Satan's Taskmistress.

Once home, they faced an onslaught of nagging from the liberal media. With nowhere to turn and cut off from their leader (who was hard at work in Kennebunkport negotiating with the Russians) the once proud Republican Guard began to weaken.

"When I was speaker," presidential hopeful, Newt Gingrich whispered lovingly to a reporter in the early dawn just before the holiday faded to memory, "this would never have happened. I kept my guard strong and always gave them something to say to counter every liberal lie imaginable."

When word of desertion first started to leak out it was met with disbelief. Then God responded with a torrent of rain, flooding parts of Texas and Oklahoma.

The Dopplert Praydar Weather Service released a bulletin calling for the weekend to be filled with intermittent incidents of "the tears of The Baby Jesus". The National Weather Service followed up by releasing their own prediction for "scatter showers".

A Ray of Hope

Just as more and more party members were lured by the Whore of Babylon's tempting bosom, a faint glimmer of brightness shone in the not so distant horizon: a commutation appeared like an angel beckoning the faithful home again.

Buoyed by the loyalty of their leader, the Republican Guard gathered their collective numbers to bolster their strength for the battle ahead.

Surviving the blistering weekend, the survivors butched-up, and swore their allegiance, knowing that there was one man among them able to stay the course and not cut and run.

His strength would be their strength. His loyalty would protect them from the fickle laws of earthbound men.

He would bring them a new beginning come Monday.

The Resurrection

Early Sunday, the clouds started to part. Phones rang across the nation, strategeries strategerized and the wagons began to circle once again.

"I am confident the subpoenas will not be ignored," Patrick Leahy said trying desperately to convince himself that his committee was actually accomplishing something, "and I believe America will finally get to the bottom of all this subterfuge."

Little did Leahy know, but the promises of the beaten-down during a long, hot weekend will come back in defense of America and her values.

As long as there is no terrorist threat early Monday morning to distract the media from Congress' little show trials, the Republican Guard will be back in force, supporting The Greatest President Ever, and The Baby Jesus can finally stop crying.


Bill O'Reilly Warns America About The Lesbian Threat!

Gangs of lesbians have been reported roaming the American country-side raping young girls, assaulting heterosexual men, fixing cars.

FOX NEWS HEADQUARTERS, AMERICA, July 6, 2007--Fox News commentator, Rod Wheeler reported to Papa Bear that a "national underground network" of lesbian outlaws. It is believed that the gangs are affiliated with the notorious "Cell Block D" gang last heard from in 1974.

Mr. O'Reilly immediately understood the depravity and asked Mr Wheeler for more details:

"They band together, dozens perhaps hundreds of these scantilly clad young girls, much like the nappy-headed ones, and recruiting others to join their crew, or gang or network, what have you to make crime[1]."

The gangs flaunt their man-hatingness with names such as:

  • GTO (gays taking over)
  • DTO (dykes taking over)
  • HCM (homos changing marriage)

These violent sororities are linked to the terrorists through Michael Moore and number upwards of 1,500 distinct gangs.


After informing America of the threat of lesbianism on America's nubile youth, Air America forced Mr. O'Reilly off the air in Washington, D.C..

No word yet, as to which Air America lesbian was behind the shut down. will work hard to keep this tube filled on the lastest news regarding this new threat to our way of life.


To let everyone know about your outrage, click here.


Court Orders Bush Administration to Spy More

WASHINGTON, July 6, 2007--In a bold move of non-activist judgment, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit ruled today that The Greatest Administration Ever should have free reign for its Warrantless Wiretapping program. Ordering the dismissal of a lawsuit brought by the American Civil Liberties Union and a group of their liberal elite followers, the majority in the case overturned the decision of a lower court on the grounds that the privacy-huggers who brought the case couldn't prove they'd ever actually been wiretapped.

Flag quote open clear2
The plaintiffs have not shown that they were actually the target of, or subject to, the NSA's surveillance. They cannot establish they are 'aggrieved persons.'
Flag quote close clear2
~ Judge Alice Batchelder

In response to this verdict, a source close to the President granted the following statement, on the condition of anonymity:

"Today's judgment only goes to show what some of us have been trying to say for a long time. The problem is not that the NSA is spying on people without warrants. The problem is that the NSA isn't spying enough. I mean, come on. If the ACLU can't produce evidence that we've got them bugged...? Well, someone isn't doing their job. That's all I'm saying."


Dow Jones Purchased By Real American

Rupert Murdoch, the great American, was able to purchase the Wall Street Journal, the hippie sister publication to "High Times" by buying out the entire company for $5 billion.

NEW YORK CITY, July 6, 2007--Weeks of speculation have finally ended; the deed was done, and no amount of patchouli smoking is going to change the fact that Dow Jones & Company will begin their slow climb toward fair and balanced financial coverage.

After nearly 200 years of publishing random drug-induced free-associations, Dow Jones will finally be dragged kicking and screaming out of its extended adolescent phase and into mature adult publishing hood.

The premier periodical for the pot head set, Wall Street Journal will be taken over by fair and balanced News Corporation, parent company for FOX News and other upstanding members of the publishing aristocracy.

"An article published this morning stating that an agreement has been reached for the sale of Dow Jones & Company to News Corp," said a long-haired person reading from what looked like a napkin," is incorrect."[2]

Allegedly, a few Dow stockholders and even fewer part-time reporters were against the sale stating something about "the man" and "living under his thumb" whatever that means, since none of that matters now that Rupert Murdoch's corporate empire has expanded to include all of the Dow Jones holdings:

  • Wall Street Journal
  • Barron's Magazine
  • several local newspapers throughout America
  • one or two unwatched TV programs on an NBC cable network
  • stock market indices, such as the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the Dow Jones Composite Average

A Good Thing

Few outside the business world remember how bad The Times of London Sunday Times used to be before Rupert saved it from itself. It wouldn't seem like hard work to publish a paper once a week, but the mods (British hippies) seemed to make everything complicated.

"They couldn't even remember what they called their paper from day to day," an unnamed Murdoch-trained editor told on condition of anonymity, "they needed Mr. Rupert, but they didn't know it."

Now nearly 5 years after Murdoch-owned News Corp has whipped The Times of Londond Sunday Times into tip-top shape. The paper has successfully published once a week on Sunday, pays all its bills on time and has been smoke-, and cheeto-free ever since. By all accounts a resounding success!

Still Hope for Dow

While little has been made about the sale prior to its announcement, even less coverage was given to the few non-hippies who were looking forward to being owned by Murdoch:

"I feel it's high time this company show some integrity," an anonymous person was quoted as saying in the New York Post, another successful publication in the News Corp. stable, "and I for one cannot wait to finally be free of the activist editorial board. They have abused their freedom for far too long; the best thing for this paper is for there to be limits on this paper's editorial independence. That's what an owner is for and it's what people have come to expect from Rupert Murdoch."


American Wins Hot Dog Eating Contest!!!


66 of these babies! Eat it Kobayashi!

In a stunning victory before a record crowd, American Joey Chestnut defeated former world champion Takeru Kobayashi in an ass-kicking retribution for Pearl Harbor during the annual contest at Nathan's

JEW HOT DOT EMPORIUM, CONEY ISLAND, NEW YORK, July 4, 2007--After a 6-year run, Japanese hot dog eating champion, Takeru Kobayashi had to eat it as America's finest, Joey Chestnut handed his ass to him on a platter covered by 66 all-American hot dogs and buns!

Kobayashi, you suck! You have shamed yourself. Go back to eating rice and sushi, lo-ser!

The race was close until the very last minute. Chestnut was able to plunge a total of six dogs down his wide-open, pliant throat as if he had no gag-reflex. In the end, Kobayashi was only able to take 3 more of the slender meat snacks in the final 60 seconds of the 12-minute contest. Mr. Kobayashi had recently had a wisdom tooth pulled and complained of a tightening in his jaw, which may have contributed to his loss.

But everyone knows an American will be victorious in every competition sooner or later.


U.S.A.! U.S.A.!


Al's Inconvenient Truth

While wearing clothing made of hemp, Al Gore's son was pulled over and arrested for driving a hybrid.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, July 4, 2007--Following in his father's footsteps, Al Gore III was arrested today after police pulled him over for driving a hybrid.

"It's a disgrace," an unnamed recently freed non-convict told reporters, "when Americans have to show the terrorists they haven't won, the democrats continue to try give aid and comfort to them by trying to save energy."

"We have to spend, spend, spend this summer," The Greatest Vice President Ever agreed as he put his arm around the shoulders of the unnamed man, "only when we forget about what's past and keep our eyes open for terrorist attacks can we ever truly be free!"

In typical liberal fashion, Mr. Gore tried to get out of his arrest by shouting that he was the son of a former Vice President. When that didn't work, witnesses said Mr. Gore tried to perform some kind of gay sex act on the arresting officer in broad daylight.

After being subdued, Mr. Gore made untoward remarks about Jews, women and Mel Gibson. and will be releasing new information as it becomes available. will be sticking to the hard news.


Putin Offers Bush Chance To Test His Missile

SOME PLACE IN MAINE, July 3Russian President Vladimir Putin has extended a revolutionary new alternative to U.S. President George W. Bush's plans for a missile defense shield to be based in Eastern Europe, has learned.

An unnamed source close to President Putin quoted the Russian president as saying to Bush, "George, you can test my missile anytime. I want you to test my missile. It is the only way to heal the rift between our nations."

He did not say whether Bush had ruled any one way or another on the option, but reported that Bush had claimed to find the idea "very interesting" and "pretty darn tempting." The exchange apparently took place in the guest bedroom where Putin is staying at the Bush family estate, which is not located in Texas, but actually appears to be somewhere in Maine.

The effects of Putin's proposal are as yet unknown. One senior official in the Bush Administration, who wished to remain unnamed for fear of losing his job, being tried, convicted, and sentenced to 30 months in prison before having his prison term commuted by presidential action of clemency, said of the situation, "He [Putin] really doesn't want us to erect that missile shield. It's a hard decision to make. We don't need another long period of stiff relations between the United States and Russia, but we don't want to appear impotent. If the terrorists catch us with our pants down...we could be in for a mighty whipping."

When asked to comment on Putin's latest offer, he did not hesitate to express his opinion. "Go for it," he encouraged Bush. "Personally, I would be honored to test Putin's missile. And if all goes well, I think it could milk every last drop of tension out of the conflict."

Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Cal.), however, disagreed. "We all know Putin's missile works just fine," said the former star of the "Terminator" series of films. "He can test his missile himself. The President [Bush] must not be a girly man on this issue."

Top aides to Bush insist that he intends to consider this proposal very carefully, but say that he has not yet come to a decision on it. "Rest assured, he'll make one eventually," said one aide, who also wished to remain unnamed. "After all, he is the decider."

Scooter Libby Is Free!

WASHINGTON, July 2President Bush today used his power of clemency to commute the 30-month sentence for I. Lewis Libby Jr., the former top aide to Vice President Dick Cheney, who was unjustly convicted of perjury in March.

The action spares Mr. Libby his prison term, but it does not excuse him from stiff fines which his neocon supporters will probably pay.

“I respect the jury’s verdict,” Mr. Bush said. “But I'm the decider. And I have decider-ed that the prison sentence given to Scooty McRooty is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Scootterino’s sentence that required him to spend 30 months in prison.”

Like a pardon, a commutation is a form of clemency, granted to the president by the Constitution. But a pardon is an official act of forgiveness, whereas a commutation simply reduces the penalty, without making an official judgment of forgiveness. But we all know Bush forgave Scooter a long time ago. Or not, since there was no wrongdoing to forgive him for. God Bless America and Happy 4th of July!


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