Governor Crist Reverses His Drilling Position
ST. PETERSBURG, FL, July 4, 2008 --- In an act many analysts are calling a "blatant appeal to the conservative base," Florida's Republican Governor Charlie Crist announced this weekend the reversal of his long-held policy of Bachelorism. In a press conference, Crist came out with the news that he would no longer maintain the lifestyle of a Bachelor Governor. Instead, he plans to actively defend the sanctity of marriage by getting one for himself.
Some have suggested that the timing of Crist's announcement coincides neatly with the "Veepstakes" to pick soon-to-be-President John McCain's running mate. Governor Crist has received frequent mention as a possible VP candidate, since he does own Florida, a state rich in both electoral votes and immediately-flowing, bountifully productive, already Chinese/Cuban controlled offshore oil wells. According to those close to the McCain campaigns, Crist's liberal views on Bachelorhood have raised some concern about him as a possible Vice Presidential candidate. Said one staffer, "Let's face it. McCain is old. There's a better-than-average shot he's gonna keel before 2012. And I'm just not sure now is the right time for 'the next James Buchanan,' you know?"
Perhaps more important that quashing rumors of Senator McCain's imminent death or of his own aberrant sexuality, Governor Crist's sudden engagement may indicate his willingness to "step up" his game in signaling his interest in the VP slot. After all, the Second Lady is an extremely important position in the American political system, and McCain will need time to personally vet each potential Second Lady. Cindy would be difficult to replace, to be sure. But God forbid it should ever come to that, all Americans have a stake in making sure Our President is not going to be stuck with another Barbara Bush, Bess Truman or Eleanor Roosevelt. The Second Lady decision can make or break a VP candidate's chances.
Fortunately for Crist, he seems to have pandered out quite well with his selection. Ms. Carole Rome, a New York divorcee with two daughters from her previous marriage, is attractive and well-to-do. The owner of a Halloween Costume company, Ms. Rome will likely prove a quick study in playing the part of a politician's wife. So far, she seems to be smiling and nodding nicely. Governor Crist, introducing his bride-to-be, gushed: "She's special in every way. ...I'm very happy and couldn't be more pleased. What a great way to celebrate America's birthday."
Over the last thirty years, Crist had gained a reputation as a politician with a solid pro-bachelor stance. This announcement, coupled with the Governor's sudden shift to anti-bachelorism, will likely be felt as a betrayal by many of his constituents and friends within the bachelor community.
Republicans To Introduce New Amendment To The Constitution
CRAWFORD, TEXAS, June 30, 2008-- It was all the buzz around the barbecue and beer cooler: another Democrat attacked The Office of the Presidency by suggesting a Republican wasn't qualified to hold it!
"This is bigger than homo-marriage. Maybe bigger than protecting soldier-fetuses, and their right to arm themselves," an unnamed member of McCain's coterie told the press. "Americans must be able to elect a President based on the legend of his military service, and nothing should end that tradition! That is why, we will be urging our elected officials to begin Amendment procedures to change the qualifications for President by amending the Constitution to reflect the American people's desire to have a President who was in a fighter plane that got shot down. It's only right; it's only just."
Dozens of interns and pages contacted members of the press with communications from their Congressional bosses to voice their agreement with the proposal and their written vows to begin the tortuous Amendment procedure as soon as they all return to Washington.
As it so happens, Republican master of the think tanks, Frank Luntz, already had pre-prepared documents stating the text for the Amendment ready for Congress' submission when they come back, "I have a pile of these for whatever America needs to have amended," Luntz happily relayed to the press.
The new Amendment will read:
"The President must be a natural born citizen of the United States (or an Austrian-born resident of the United States for 14 years), be at least 35 years old, and he must have been the pilot of a fighter plane that was shot down."
The Supreme Court is expected to review and approve the amendment using previous unique rulings to guide this necessary change.
Naturally, the liberals are against the type of changes that help clarify important legal fogginess. When asked to appear on FOX News, several members of the democrat party claimed they were prevented from entering the building by an inebriated Rush Limbaugh, while the Congress-chicks claimed Bill O'Reilly chased them through the parking garage wearing only a loofa.
"These are just lies," Michele Malkin snorted to her audience, "they just hate the Constitution and don't want to improve it!"
When asked to respond to Wikiality.com's inquiries, Eleanor Holmes Norton (who was able to rebuff the alleged advances of the GOP studs) became angry and refused to respond until she gets a vote that counts.
Volunteers Needed For Republican National Committee
40,000 bodies are needed for the September convention
MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA, June 27, 2008-- Local Republican churches have exhausted their congregations in preparation of the twin Cities chance to shine!
Members have swept the streets and shined the trash cans and shaved the homeless so that when the world comes to visit for the Greatest Political Convention Ever! no one will think of the unemployment or price of gas and vote Republican without question.
Convention officials have placed cameras at all intersections in the Twin Cities area to assist in signing up to volunteer. Those interested in volunteering need only look directly into any of the Visual Volunteer/Surveillance Capture Devices, state your name and an official will be by shortly to take your information.
Volunteers are needed for every aspect for the convention:
- bathroom interns
- altar boys
- pole dancers
- food tasters
- rose bearers
- evening escorts
- pharmaceutical runners
If you are going to be in the area between September 1, 2008 and September 4, 2008, please do your duty to your country and volunteer for God's Party!
Blackwater Awarded Human Rights Contract!
America's favorite military training corporation beat out an unknown number of other organizations to take over human rights activities on behalf of The Greatest Country Ever!
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND, June 6, 2008-- While democrats were celebrating the defeat of the she-witch in favor of their Favorite Secret Muslim, the rest of the world was concerned with more important issues, such as the future of human rights!
Following the leadership of The Greatest Secretary Of State Ever, America's leader in military training and supplementary personnel will now be the world's leader in human rights!
"Blackwater has shown leadership in this area", The Greatest Deputy Secretary Of State Ever, John Negroponte, tried to tell the press under the din of liberal self-worship over their little primary election thing, "and to award their previous work in the area of diplomacy, the State Department hereby presents Blackwater with an exclusive open-ended contract to oversee America's human rights activities!"
Deputy Secretary Negroponte reassured Wikiality.com that America had not quit any international post with some recognized human rights organization, as had been erroneously leaked to the press earlier that day, saying, "The Bush Administration is committed to continuing the work we started in regards to human rights abuses."
An uncensored copy of the full contract was made available to reporters under strict confidentiality parameters:
- reporters were chosen from a limited and select group with prior special security clearances
- this security clearance included signing a contract which prevented them from discussing the contents of the document without prior approval from the State Department
- the elite group of reporters were strip searched and taken to an undisclosed secure location for viewing of the document
- reporters were only allowed to read the document in a secure room
- reporters were not allowed to bring any communication or recording devices with them
- reviewing of the document was limited to only two hours
- no bathroom breaks were allowed during the viewing period
- no copying or other reproductions of the document was allowed
- reporters were strip searched before being allowed off the premises