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Breaking News/Archive/052008

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The Greatest President Ever Is Not Golfing Today

The Greatest President Ever is in Camp David today where there are no golf courses.

CAMP DAVID, VIRGINIA, May 26, 2008-- The Greatest President Ever today observes the Memorial Day holiday in a way no other president has before him: by sacrificing a great deal in solidarity with America's troops.

"Every soldier would thank the president personally," an unnamed White House staffer weeped realistically at a hastily-called press conference, "but they've sacrificed for their country, just as he is. God Bless America!"

Americans everywhere are asked to join The Greatest President Ever by sacrificing in any way they can: sending their children to Iraq (or Iran) or shopping or traveling without complaining.

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Christian Post-Rapture eBay Service Introduced

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

In preparation of the Rapture, another Christian service has been born--again!

CRAWFORD, TEXAS, May 26, 2008-- With the Rapture a few years away, businesses have been working hard to provide all the services Christians need after Jesus call them home!

Now, Rapture, Inc. has a new and easy way to make your transition to the afterlife: eBay-rapture! eBay-Rapture is a service that will sell all your worldly possessions to the heathens left behind and send the money to a special bank account so that you can buy things in Heaven. There is no better way to show God and Jesus and the entire Heavenly Host what a good Christian you are than with gifts! And with eBay-Rapture, you can even tip St. Peter at the gate!

eBay-Rapture is like any regular eBay account, except it's for Christians only and all the proceeds from all the sales go directly to the afterlife making it possible to finally be able to take everything with you!

Signing up is easy: the Christian Database already knows who you are and applications have been sent to all American churches that have pre-qualified. Once registered, photograph and inventory all your real estate, vehicles, and all your clothes. A 30% tithe/rapture fee based on the current comparable eBay value of all items will be charged for every item. No item will be refused and everything photographed will be sold.

Saved people only need apply! Get applications from your pastor. Rapture, Inc. is an equal opportunity employer, we hire Christians and Jews. The Jews will do all the money stuff after the Christians go to Heaven.

eBay-Rapture: You can finally take everything with you!™

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Satan's Favorite State Vows To Ruin Jenna Bush's Honeymoon!

LibertyKissesJustice

Instead of the traditional one man, one woman, gay wedding cakes will feature these two figures.

The Second Greatest Presidential Daughter Ever's honeymoon was only three-drinks old, when news of California's Gay Marriage Amendment to America's Constitution threatened to sober up the festivities.

LOS LIMBAUGH COMPOUND DE NINOS, DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, May 15, 2008-- Newlyweds Mr. and Mrs. Henry Hager only plans were to enjoy a tropical paradise in marriage bliss, but those hopes were dashed as another gay marriage ruined the planned month-long celebration of God-blessed American heterosexuality.

Folks close to the couple say the bride was seen weeping uncontrollably at the hotel bar, while her husband wandered the beaches of this secluded resort wearing only black socks and a tie which poked out of his ill-buttoned suit jacket.

"Why should I hear about gays, and sweaty sex, and civil rights, equality, and they're in my family or what do you suppose? Or, I mean, it's, it's not relevant," Official White House Marriage Bed Escort, Barbara Bush briefed the press, "So, why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that? They're ruining my marriage...I mean htis marriage, obviously."

Rumours began cirulating that Mr. Hager's emotional state needed help lifting so the Secret Service was called in to cordon off the area from anything that might gay-up the proceedings. Hotel workers were tested for the gay and genuine Texas cowboys were shipped in to authenticate the buried pig barbecue.

At the time of this report, the couple are vigorously attempting to avoid any ill effects of California's gay Marriage Act with copious amounts of heterosexual beverages.

Wikiality.com will work hard to keep our readers informed of any new developments in this breaking story.

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Liberals Force Shaving On Students In Public Schools

Fox News uncovered another anti-abstinence program pushed by liberals for school-age children!

ANYTOWN, U.S.A., HEARTLAND OF AMERICA, May 03, 2008-- The list of abominations that liberals have forced on the Christian nation of America is endless.

Along with teaching children how to put condoms on and how to be gay, liberals are now offering classes on how to shave one's "Satan's Nest".

American leaders unanimously denounced the program as fundamentally anti-God:

"Acknowledgment of 'Satan's Nest' is the gateway to other bodily sins, such as getting plastic surgery and God forbid dancing," an unnamed (but not known) man of the cloth pontificated for the press, "by giving these lessons to America's children students everywhere are asking questions about their own 'Satan's Nest' and teaching students has no place in public schools."

Parents are advised to follow the Action Points in Sunday's upcoming Church bulletin. "The liberal agenda being pushed down the children's throats will be met with the most sincere and severe Love possible until every last non-Christian idea is removed from history," the unnamed man of the cloth prayed as donors lined up to enhance the message.

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