Muslim Candidate Leaks Info To Distract From Preacher-Gatel!


Where else have you been, Senator?

Barack Hussein Obama, the democrat's best hope to end America's reign as a Christian nation, leaked sensitive information in the hopes of diverting attention away from his scandalous relationship with a racist member of his close family!

OBAMA HEADQUARTERS, MECCA, DEEPEST, DARKEST AFRICA, March 20, 2008-- Washington is shaken at the latest news of a security breach at America's State Department.

"This is an outrage," The Greatest Secretary Of State Ever told reporters assembled for her hourly press conference on the state of America's security, "everyone knows that I am very dedicated to my job, since I don't have a husband. But, that was my choice. I choose to not be married so I can spend more time working for America, which I love because I am not mooslim and neither is my grandmother.

Miss Rice further stated that the security level has been raised and the State Department has been on lock down all morning until those responsible are held accountable for their crimes.


The Greatest President Ever will address the nation about this security breach and the recently released Bin Laden Video. Officials tell that the president will talk about how security leaks hurt our country, the border needs to be closed and the computer monitoring system worked as designed, catching the people responsible, giving America the best reason to pass the Protect America Act.


In addition, officials with the State Department wants to stress that the records were only accessed. None of the contractors who were probably just pulling some fraternity prank had the capacity to alter whatever information is contained in them.

America is fine. We have always been fine.


Undead Appear In Washington Demanding An Audience With The Greatest President Ever

Legions of the undead, wearing signs of the names they had when they walked the Earth like normal people suddenly appeared in America's capitol seeking to thank The Greatest President Ever for the troop surge!


Zombies want to thank The Greatest President Ever for recognizing their citizenship.

WASHINGTON, D.C., AMERICA, March 19, 5th Anniversary Day!!!-- They appeared suddenly out of the mist, their ashen faces and hollow eye sockets barely contained the happiness they could at long last feel now that they had been liberated.

"We wanted to greet our liberators with flowers and candy," a spokesman for the Zombie group told reporters outside the White House, "but we were killed in the first week of the War On Terror. So we could only walk from our graves in Iraq to America, and since we're zombies, it took us a very long time."


The zombies made this walk, they say, to thank The Greatest President Ever for sending American troops to liberate them from Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction.

When they were alive, they waited with anticipation when news of America's democracy-bringing was truly going to happen.

Unfortunately, some of them died before they could enjoy the democracy that was brought.


Some of the zombies were actually American troops who had died since giving the people of Iraq the gift of freedom. Iraq zombies and American zombies became quick friends on their 5-year long walk to thank The Greatest President Ever for capturing Osama Bin Laden and his Al Qaeda operatives.

"We're not bitter, because we can see how grateful the people of Iraq are for everything this president has done for them personally," Zombie Pat Tillman told, "and I can't wait to tell him that myself!"


No meeting was planned due to scheduling conflicts, but word was delivered via special messenger to The Greatest President Ever that a group of undead well-wishers wanted to give him their regards. A plaque, certificate and spare Medal of Freedom that had been sitting around were presented to the group in a hastily organized presentation on the White House lawn so that the zombies could be on their way before they became hungry for brains.

"We can't have them eating The Greatest President Ever's brain, Harriett Miers said, "now can we?"

Commemorative photos of the event will be mailed to the zombie's addresses in Iraq, or U.S. military personnel's family, if they aren't themselves bringing more freedom to Iraq or Iran.


O'Bama The Leprechaun

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O'Bama The Leprechaun

On Saint Patrick Day, "Obama" revealed his true name as "O'Bama" with his new presidential campaign button.

As Soledad O'Brien report the news of O'Bama apparent Irish connection, O'Bama's campaign staff offered O'Brien to a drink. She joking refused as she was on duty.

After O'Bama got drunk from the celebration, he also revealed his true form! Apparently he is a leprechaun.

Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly ask the top question in every American's mind: Can we trust a leprechaun to answer a telephone at 3 am?

What other things are hiding their deep dirty secret. Could the Oranges be the O'Ranges? Next thing we know, we'll be yelling: O'Know, the O'Ranges are O'Rganizing for an O'Ffense.

Drug Content In Water Boosts Los Angeles' Rating

Researchers reveal the reason behind Los Angeles' number one ranking in Municipal Tap Water Olympics.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA-- Water officials reveal the makings of a drug scandal in America's annual tap water competition. Dozens of cities from around the country submitted samples of their tap water for testing and initially Los Angeles had come out on top. Later, it was revealed that trace amounts of pharmacological agents were discovered in several of the participants.

"This is probably the biggest scandal in the Tap Water Olympics, ever," an unnamed judge revealed to under the condition of anonymity, "usually participants are drug-free. This year has been a big disappointment."

In addition to the Los Angeles entry, trace amounts were found in 28 of the 35 competitors, revealing these compelling results:

  • everyone in Las Vegas has a urinary tract infection
  • no one in conservative bastion, San Diego does any drug whatsoever, but in "Southern California" there are a lot of people suffering from OCD
  • someone in Washington flushed their prescription for anti-psychotics down the toilet
  • and the worst disorder anyone in Texas is suffering from is unspecified.

Tap Water Olympics officials are not saying at this time whether any of the winners will have to return their medals, but pharmaceutical officials are recommending everyone save as much tap water as possible before the correct changes are made to the EPA or Interior Department which may alter the current experience.


Lingerie Maker To Improve Image


A model wears the new Pixxxelicious.

In an effort to soften change their image away from the pornographical, Victoria's Secret, the leader in everyday lingerie wear introduces a bathing suit proper enough to be worn in church.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, March 6, 2008-- After years of defining American sexiness, Victoria's Secret will be toning down their image.

"We're not saying we're middle aged now, or anything like that," Chief Executive Sharen J. Turney told from the Victoria's Secret Secret Lair™[1], "but we don't have to cultivate our reputation as floosies either."

Victoria's Secret polled several focus groups about what makes a woman sexy and what makes her look like Joe Wilson's Wife on a bender and discovered that covering up is a matter of perception. And the "Pixxxelicious" was born.

"The "Pixxxelicious" says 'sexy' and 'censorship' in one compact, affordable garment," Turney enthused.

The introduction of the "Pixxxelicious" (shown at right) is an innovation in swimwear, Turney added, "American women can continue to wear the fashions that have defined Victoria's Secret for 29 years, without feeling cheap and whorish."

"I wear one when I go to church," Laura Bush told reporters through a press release, "They're chic and comfortable, and I don't have to worry about being a bad influence on my children."

Victoria's Secret will be offering the Pixxxelicious at all their stores starting May, 2008.


California Activist judges Ban Our Lord From Homeschools!

In yet another in the long-line of anti-Christian rulings that has become the hallmark of their hate-filled agenda, a California "court" once again prevents children from learning both sides of a debate.

SAN FRANCISCO, CAULIFLOWER, March 6, 2008-- The crowd gathered around the court house was boisterous and giddy until word that a ruling was forthcoming.

Looking like a solemn guitarmass, mothers and their multitude of snowflakes swayed and chanted Bible verses at puzzled passersby or threw Bibles at suspected homosexuals.

Silenced by the hush of anticipation, the lips of the reverent quivered, their hands clasped in prayer as news that another California court would deny everyone the Love of Jesus Christ.

"Parents do not have a constitutional right to home school their children[2]," Justice H. Walter Croskey shouted down to the crowd from his balcony court room, "they do have the right to be indoctrinated in all aspects of The Homosexual Agenda, from same-sex marriage to evolution!"

As the crowd shouted back prayers for his salvation, Judge Croskey opened his ermine robe and "banged" his "gavel".

California is home to great wealth and many, many children, churches around the state are horrified by the ruling. "Ermine robes itch, I can barely keep my own on, but that's not important right now..." an unnamed priest from a church of some sort told news in a confessional interview, "children must have the right to whatever their parents believe in; it's the American Way."

A quick google search has unearthed many pictures of teachers and students in various stages of education, but little in the way of parent-student education (for that one must turn off the safe search). Nonetheless, this ruling may hamper the burgeoning homeschooling industry.

"This will only mean more people will be leaving California and my company will have to find other means of income," a prominent homeschool advocate told under the condition of anonymity, "my company's CEO designed our company to be completely dependent on every subsequent generation's isolation from The Homosexual Agenda that public school pushes.

"Next thing you know, they'll be telling us not to practice medicine! We are the only ones who can help. Everyone has to believe me."

With the exception of mosslim madrassas, every flavor of religion has banded together to fight this threat. will follow this story closely.


Banks To Rescue American Housing Market

In a stunning turn-around, American-owned banks have now stepped up to keep American homes in American hands!

AMERICA, U.S.A! U.S.A.!, March 6, 2008-- Quickly responding to the American People's call for assistance, American banks now own more homes than ever since 1945!

"We should be thanking them for the sacrifices they have made, and are making in this crisis," an unnamed White House spokesmodel shouted at the media via talk radio, "and by crisis, I mean slow down. Make no mistake, the economy is doing great!"

The Greatest Administration Ever has randomly scheduled an impromptu celebration on March 17 to mark the occasion. The menu calls for green beverages and cabbage, both of which are symbolic of money and the prosperous era America currently enjoys.


Russian 'Bear' Wins Election


Dmitry at a rally celebrating his victory

MOSCOW, RUSSIA, March 2, 2008--Dmitry Anatolyevich 'The Bear' Medvedev (Дми́трий Анато́льевич «Медведь» Медве́дев) wins the 2008 election in Russia. Medvedev, from "Medved", means "bear"! Furthermore, he likes honey in his tea!

Threat Down: Ve must keep 'The Bear' klear avay from the pikanik basket that is Amerika.

Medvedev is the loyal portagé puppet pet of Putin and is the candidate for the United Russia Party. He beat out the ultra-left Communist candidate and the ultra-right Nationalist candidate. The various democratic candidates were barred from participating in the democratic process due to missed deadline :( , insufficient residency in Russia XO, and filing errors :P . Putin was named as the new Prime Minister ;) .

McCain was quick to point out the undemocratic aspect of their democratic process. McCain also planed to be much more confrontational with Medvedev than Bush would be toward Putin.

Russians call their type of democracy "sovereign democracy", but we all know that it is just "elected king". Once elected, the president is above the judiciary and is hence above the law.


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