Breaking News/Archive/012008

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Tom Cruise Aids NTSB With Crash Investigation


Members of $cientology receiving an award for their tireless, yet always welcome help.

Americans most renown $cientological dwarf, Tom Cruise, has started an independent investigation into the deadly plane crash in Corona, California

CORONA, CALIFORNIA, January 23, 2008-- As investigators from The Greatest Administration Ever's National Transportation Safety Board descended on the small California town they were met by a volcano-ful of $cientologists already on-site performing their special form of study.

"Whenever there is a disaster, they're there", Wayne Pollack, of the NTSB said about the be-yellowed and enthusiastic church members, "They have become a regular sight at disasters since I've been working. I just don't recall them ever asking for permission, they're just there, ya know?"

On January 21, 2008, two small planes crashed in midair over Corona, California. A traveling band of $cientologists that drive up and down the coast of California, for just these occasions, were dispatched immediately to do what only they could: help.

Within hours, Tom Cruise, star of few films and Christ of $cientology arrived jumping out of a moving Hummer, finally rolling to a stop just short of Pollack's NTSB press conference as the Hummer exploded in a flurry of copies of Dianetics.

"I have to tell you something. It really is, you know, it's rough and tumble. It's wild and woolly. It's a's a blast. It really is fun, because damit, there's nothing better than to going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see[1]," the diminutive Cruise shouted into the microphones like a short, psychotic, crazed, out-of-control, dissociating Howard Dean, "Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else, it's, you drive past, you know you have to do something about it. You know you are the only one who can really help.[2]."

After Cruise finished a few hours later, the $cientologists set up shop, with their standard charitable contributions:

  • free personality assessments
  • $300 massages
  • $1,000 follow-up personality assessment
  • $2,500 photo with a famous $cientologist
  • $8,700 xenu removal

Out of no where, Donald Rumsfeld appeared to endorse $cientology as the wave of the future.

Five people died as a result of the crash, two from each of the planes and one in the car dealership. After the $cientologists arrived, no one else was injured.



Bush: Economic Stimulus Package Is Needed

To combat the possible recession, President Bush is urging for a economic stimulus package to give Americans money to spend in last Friday, January 18, 2008.

The money given by the government is expected to come from issuing American Government Bonds, which is actually debt being bought by Communist China. The money given to the each average American is expected to spend in buying stuff and not in paying down mortgage. Since, everything is made in Communist China, the majority of the money will leave to Chinese manufacturers with a tiny fraction returning to American designers.

In short, America will borrow money from China for the Americans to buy from the Chinese. God bless our Greatest President Ever.

Fed: Interest Rate Cut 3/4 Point

2008-01-22 10:00 EST

After massive global stock sell off, federal reserve cut three quarters of a point. A whooping 450 point drop on the DOW after it just started. The stocks are falling. The sky is falling.

New York Hospitals Offer Free Homosexual Marriages With Every E.R. Visit

With an influx of illegals, the once great city of New York has fallen into the hands of the homosexual plague!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, January 19, 2008-- An innocent family man has recounted a harrowing ordeal he experienced at a New York City hospital! Real Americans have joined lead the outrage over the forced gay marriages that are now apparently rampant throughout the Big Apple!

"The liberals are shoving their agenda down everyone's throats and up everything else," an unnamed Presidential candidate told, "They want free medical care for everyone, but under the condition that they choose gay marriage first! This goes against God's Standards."

Americans are being asked by their churches to pray for the well-being of every person in New York City so that they may avoid the now homosexual hospitals and maintain their rectal innocence.

"Obviously, this has become law ever since that communist, business-hating, liberal took the governorship from America's Party and does not look like it will ever be overturned now that Hillary Clinton won her party's nomination for president," the esteemed, yet unnamed candidate to represent America's values warned Christians everywhere, "It is important that Our Lord's Favorite People be protected from medical procedures that contradict their personal religious beliefs."

Concerned Americans are advised to register to vote and vote Republican, if they ever want to have their Constitution back in one piece and their manhood unmolested!

God Bless America!


President Bush Declares Iran's Lack of Response to his Christmas Greetings A "Provocative Act"


Iranian President Ahmadinidon'tbelieveinsantajaclause attempts to downplay charges of intentional Baby Jesus provocation.

WASHINGTON, DC, January 8, 2008-- President Bush said Tuesday that Iranian President 's failure to respond to a White House Christmas Card was clearly a "provocative act" which "troubled [him] deeply," signaling "a dangerous indication of Iran's lack of desire to communicate openly in matters of international peace-and-joy-keeping importance."

In response to Bush's declaration, Ahmadinej noted the American President's own failure to wish him - and the Iranian people by extension- a happy Eyd e Qorbán. According to Iran's Foreign Ministry, the failure to send a return Christmas greeting should not be read as an act of hostility. In a press conference televised on Al Jazeera today, the Minister stated, "By all that is sacred, this was not, repeat, not an act of hostility. This was a standard case of Iranian failure to celebrate Christmas. It happens every December."

Back in the White House press room, a different story was unfolding. According to Press Secretary Dana Perino, "This is clearly a dangerous situation. It's not everyday that a Christmas card is so obviously snubbed. We're in troubled waters here."

More details as the story unfolds.


Parade Magazine Gets First Afterlife Interview With Bhutto

America's most trusted Sunday magazine insert snagged the greatest interview ever!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, January 7, 2008-- Best known for reinforcing America's standing as a Christian nation, Parade Magazine™ has been at the forefront of investigative journalism with stories covering the full-spectrum of news worthy topics for the discerning American:

  • where are the terrorists?
  • who will fight the terrorists?
  • what do I do if my daughter is dating a terrorist?
  • what is that giant dog up to now?

But now, they have outdone themselves with the first ever post-life interview with recently assassinated former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto!

Due to the copyright protections, can only provide a few excerpts from the interview:

PARADE: "Now that you've met Jesus, have you become born again?"

Bhutto: "Yes...I feel that a wrong must be righted[3]" would like to thank Parade Magazine™ for allowing us to publish a portion of their ground-breaking interview with Benazir Bhutto from the afterlife.


FEMA Arrives In Nevada Town


Fernley survived the frigid flood waters

As the waters receded, residents were greeted by the smiling face of Michael Chertoff or some other FEMA official

FERNLEY, NEVADA, JANUARY 7, 2008-- Residents of this desert farm town were besieged by the cold waters from the nearby levee in the early morning of January 5, 2008.

They were not strangers to hardship, and were prepared to survive no matter how long it would be before outside help arrived.

The Reno Ladies on their regular weekend jaunts appeared right on schedule but this time ferrying the ladies and their wares in boats instead of the limo-Hummers they normally use.

"My girls be ready for anything," the anonymous gentleman piloting the boat told, "we be here to help the peoples."

Help Arrives
Just days after the Reno Ladies completed their business, FEMA director, R. David "Duct Tape" Paulison and Homeland Security Minister, Michael Chertoff arrived amidst much pomp and circumstance. has learned that the DHS/FEMA pomp and circumstance transport is only a land-based vehicle and thus was unable to make an appearance until the flood-waters were sufficiently dissipated.

Answering to the People
Upon their arrival, Messrs Chertoff and Paulison commandeered a school gymnasium and set up an immediate emergency press conference, inviting whatever press could make it.

The press conference went without a hitch and when the editing is complete, will be released for the general public.

During the question and answer portion of the press conference, Fernley town officials had nothing but good things to say about both FEMA and the DHS, noting only that Messrs Chertoff and Paulison looked very tired and would perhaps benefit from some time off, or an extended vacation.

All is Well
After the press conference concluded, residents carried the pair back to their motel rooms on their shoulders.

Facts About The Town
Fernley is a town of several residents[4], who may or may not have pets and who love to picnic[5]. The vast majority of Fernleyites are well-versed in municipal arrest procedures and are as anal about their water as they are about the cracks in their streets.

People interested in moving to Fernley should know about a few of the local features, such as:

It is almost certain that Fernley's support for The Greatest President Ever [6] is the only reason they recovered from this tragedy.


David Letterman Returns With His Writers

Late-night talk show host, David Letterman, returns to work after negotiating a separate deal with the WGA


Mr. Letterman surrounded by the Eugene V. Debs Dancers

Anti-capitalist, David Letterman allowed Nancy Pelosi to defile him in order to return to television up against ratings Super Hero, Jay Leno.

Mr. Leno returned to television with no problems whatsoever, and visited with his guest, Mike Huckabee, who is a man of god and not a whore.

As the sidewalks outside Mr. Leno's studio were free of protesters, Mr. Letterman did not enjoy such a luxury. The sidewalks outside the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City were crawling with literally thousands of producers protesting Letterman's support of the writers.

As evidenced by the size of the protesters, all of America should be convinced of how unfair the writers are toward their helpless bosses.

### News Has Bronchitis

Please note:

Your normal truthy news would have been updated, but the entire news department is closed with bronchitis.

If anyone knows a good Creationist doctor, please post the name and contact info here.

Enjoy the finaly three weeks of The Baby Jesus' birthday, we will return when Harry Reid calls off his minions.

Update News will return January 7, 2008. Don't forget, Stephen is also returning, but without the writers. It is believed his Jewish friend is behind the decision to return without the writers.

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