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|"The Blame America First Crowd" |
|Motto:||Accuso America Primoris|
|Mascot:||A submissive dog peeing a fountain of urine into the air, and back onto itself; while a homosexual bear watches.|
|Colors:||Yellow or Pink|
The Blame America First Crowd are the lowest form of life in America.
Their name says it all; no matter what is happening, in any and every situation, the first thing they do is blame America.
Note: Please do not confuse the Blame America First Crowd with their America loving nemesis group the Get America Back to Normal Crowd.
Inside the Mayflower on its way over from Old Europe, one of the pilgrims caught a cold and instantly blamed the boat, the length of the trip and even the New World.
And thus, the Blame America First Crowd was born.
B.A.F.C. Throughout HistoryEdit
The B.A.F.C. have filthed up America's Planet since the beginning of time 6,000 years ago.
B.A.F.C. in The New WorldEdit
At the first Thanksgiving, the B.A.F.C. complained about that there wasn't enough stuffing, the cranberry sauce had seeds in it and there wasn't enough white meat in the turkey (racists!). Naturally, it was America's fault because stuffing hadn't been invented yet, cranberries need seeds to grow in the American soil and once you go black, you never go back (See: Alan).
B.A.F.C. During The Civil WarEdit
Some historians have tried to argue that the Confederacy, due to the fact that it was the instigator of a violent rebellion against the American government, was the actual home of the Blame America First Crowd during the Civil War, even though most modern-day lovers of the Confederacy consider themselves patriotic Americans. This assumption is flawed, however, because it ignores a fundamental truth: historians are card-carrying Communists, and therefore everything they say is wrong.
B.A.F.C. During World War IEdit
Blame America Firsters had a field day with this, the first in a thrilling two-part series of world-encompassing wars. Their issue with this particular chapter was that nobody could satisfactorily explain why it was happening. They argued that the death of an Archduke that most Americans had never heard of, coupled with the complex web of treaties that ultimately entangled most of Europe in the growing conflict, was simply none of America's concern. Real Americans who believed in Jesus and propaganda posters understood that we were fighting because the Germans were bloodthirsty apes.
B.A.F.C. During the Great DepressionEdit
The B.A.F.C. took pause from its verbal whining during this less-than-auspicious period in American history, picked up its pen and began furiously blaming America by way of literature, creating fictional Blame America Firsters in fictional terrible situations for which America could be fictionally blamed. Fortunately, tawdry tomes like The Great Gatsby passed almost completely unnoticed at the time of their publication, because they weren't edible and as such Mr. and Mrs. Starving American had no use for them.
B.A.F.C. During World War IIEdit
Hitler and Hirohito were being stomped by American forces overseas and women and negroes had jobs on the home front (temporarily), so the Blame America First Crowd had little for which it could blame America first at this time period. WWII would mark the beginning of the BAFC's first and only period of severe complaint deficit.
The B.A.F.C. After the WarEdit
Suburban housing developments and clean white neighborhoods with housewives and working husbands once again meant that whatever whispers of doubt the BAFC had about the increase in the quality of life of Mr. and Mrs. America were once again silenced by the harmonious shrieking of the status quo (and the civil defense sirens). Only bold heroes like Joseph McCarthy provided this relatively comfortable America with xenophobic reasons to shit themselves, rooting out Communism with the help of his
day's grocery list list of 200 known Communists within the American government.
Many of the most severe threats to American prosperity were triumphantly subpoenaed, such as Arthur Miller, whose plays about the deaths of salesmen were, quite seditiously, not absolutely and unquestioningly reverent of capitalism.
The B.A.F.C. During the Hippie EraEdit
All of the complaining that had been pent up in the bile-filled gullet of the BAFC was to explode during the 60s. Longer hair, shaggy clothes, sporadic bathing habits, songs about the walrus, and a prescription for Dr. Timothy Leary's mystical brain acid helped the BAFC turn on, tune in, drop out, and nag incessantly about everything from Vietnam to the fact that a small portion of differently-colored Americans forgot to read the fine print to "All men are created equal."
The B.A.F.C. During the Reagan EraEdit
This was the time when the B.A.F.C. were finally on their way out. Americans were the world's leader in bootstrap sales, and used them en masse. The B.A.F.C.'s agenda and rhetoric were losing their hold on America, and soon they would fall. Many of them fled to the Canadian province of Manitoba where they continue to blame America first, to this day.
The B.A.F.C. in the Colbert EraEdit
Stephen Colbert's biting social commentary straight from the heart of his gut, was the beginning of the end for the floundering B.A.F.C. By Colbert's third week on the air, the B.A.F.C.'s membership had dwindled in to single digit numbers, and by the time Truthiness was selected as the Word of the Year for 2005, only one member remained.