Black Metal
belongs to a coven that makes satanic music
which are lullabies to the Baby Satan

Origins Edit

Europe got fed up with its populace going to heaven, so they decided to create black metal, to talk about worshipping JESUS and blaspeming the name of God byworshipping Stephen Colbert. They started by burning churches and making really crappy music.

Characteristics Edit

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Typical black metal...some losers in the middle of the woods with ridiculous costumes. They were even to cheap for color film!

Black metal is characterized by three things:


These God/Colbert haters wear nothing but gay leather bondage clothing with spikes. They also like to wear make-up (like women, homosexuals, and Al Gore) and prefer it to have as many blaspemous symbols as it can. Some black metal artists carry around swords and shields, along with their useless armour. They still haven't figured our what a gun is for.


A typical black metal logo contains at least one pentagram and one inverted cross. Many have more. Also, the logos tend to be completely over stylized and unreadable, or just scribbles on a paper, with 15 pentagrams and 22 inverted crosses. Stephen Colbert is way too cool to pay attention to anything on this page. He likes good metal and has demonstrated this many times. I think he is a fan of Vintersorg, Horde of Anachron, really REALLY loves Opeth, Behemoth, Dimmu Borgir, Slayer, and Cannibal Corpse, but definitely not Devildriver.


The music is characterized by shreiking vocals (from the pain God is causing to convulse through the body of the blasphemer), stantard tuned guitars, fast drumming and a synthasizer. A song typically sounds the same the whole way through, and it can be compared to nails on a chalkboard mixed with baby crying and a pack of retarded elephants. All the songs worship oden, blasphemy allah, sing about destroying things, or all three at once.

Nazi / Terrorist Tendancies Edit

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Blatant nazism AND terrorism mixed together. This can't be good...

Just when it couldn't get any worse, black metal is modified as a front for terrorists and nazis. Thats right. They hate jews and they hate America. Typical black metal terrorists don't dress like the Muslim variety, and instead choose to wear thier ridiculous costumes instead. If you see one aproach you have three options:

  • Run like hell
  • Pull out your crucifix and call on the name of Jesus to smite them
  • Whip out your All American GMO winking and beat them to death with it.

(If you're a girl just use a bat)

It is also believed that in the summer of 2005, a large group of these Black Metal people attempted to assassinate Stephen Colbert by throwing toy swords and shrieking at him. It is unknown why this happened, but many believe they were sent by John Kerry.

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