Big Bear Mountain And Resort

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Big Bear Mountain And Resort
is one of the ways God Blessed America.
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A vicious, communist, godless bear waits to devour you at the Big Bear Discovery Center

What Is Big Bear Mountain And Resort?Edit

Big Bear Mountain and Resort is an alpine location in the San Bernadino National Forest outside of Los Angeles. The resort is complete with health spa, solar observatory and airport. Big Bear Lake is one of their rendezvous points for the Bear Uprising of 2012.

Big Bear provides the Bear Kingdom with unlimited opportunities for attacking humans in the Bear Uprising of 2012. A bear "resort" is the perfect cover for their obviously hostile intentions: manicures and pedicures (aka claw enhancements), facials (aka teeth sharpenings), solar observatory (preparing for their subsequent foray into the far reaches of space once they have conquered earth), and airport (where the bears will board airplanes that will take them to other parts of the country in order to spread their bear violence in the uprising).

Disturbingly, this location provides Bears access to the Big Bear Municipal Water District, providing them with ample opportunity to poison our water supply.

How Was Big Bear Mountain And Resort Created?Edit

While humans are led to believe the the Big Bear Mountain and Resort was named for the discovery of bears in the area, it is actually a thinly veiled tribute to Big Bear, or Chief Bear as he is known in the Bear Kingdom. This is evidenced by the area's original name, Yuhaviat, an Indian word for "haven of those who communicate telepathically with bears."

Upon discovering the area, the first humans were attacked and mauled by hoardes of lawless Bears. Benjamin Davis Wilson, however, displayed his extraordinary prowess as a man, a hunter, and a god-fearing Christian by roping bears and keeping up to 11 at a time in his camp. Since, a man-made lake has been created in the area to further display human's supremecy over the Bears. Before his death in 1878, Wilson went on to become the mayor of Los Angeles and a two-term state senator. However, the Bears were displeased with Wilson's accomplishments and sought vengeance against the aging Wilson. Mysterious circumstances surround the death of this great man, but it is suspected that he was kidnapped by Bears and forced to watch as they slowly devoured his limbs and genitalia.

Where Is Big Bear Mountain And Resort Located?Edit

Big Bear Mountain and Resort is located about 100 miles northeast of Los Angeles, in the San Bernadino National Forest. This is an extremely vital location for the Bears due to it's proximity to Hollywood, a key target in the Bear Uprising of 2012.

How Can Americans Enjoy Big Bear Mountain And Resort?Edit


Unsuspecting motorists may be lured to their deaths by the Bears' clever exploitation of our rising gas prices.

Bears lure humans to the Big Bear Resort with promises of golfing, waterslides, off-road adventures, a discovery center, and more. However, these are merely ploys, intended to deceive us and lead us right into their clutches. Want to try some golfing at Big Bear Resort? Better not let your ball go into the trees, cause guess who's waiting for you to come find it (best to take a drop on that one). Want to try out the alpine waterslide? Most waterparks have wading pools at the bottom of their slides, but not Big Bear Resort. At the bottom of their waterslide you are greeted by the open jaws of hungry bears (you'll lose more than your swimming trunks or bikini tops on this waterslide!). Is off-road adventuring more your style? Off-road adventuring! -- that takes you right to the belly of the beast! Once you leave the safety of the road, your only adventure will be through the intestinal track of a giant grizzly bear. And lastly, how about the Discovery Center - that sounds relatively harmless. Oh no, once you enter the facility all you "discover" is that you are about to be eaten by vicious, communist, godless bears.

Visitors may opt to stay at the Goldilocks Cottage Bed and Breakfast, but would do well to forget that the cottage is owned by bears in the traditional children's story. Also forget that in some versions the bears find Goldilocks sleeping in baby bear's bed and then eat her.

Presently, there is a promotion that provides human visitors with a gas card upon visiting one of Big Bear Mountain's resorts. However, this may just be an advertisement intended to lure delicious, unsuspecting humans right into the bears' waiting jaws.

Big Bear Mountain And Resort Fun FactsEdit

  • Despite its Danger Factor of 8, Big Bear Resort is a popular filming site. Some films braving this location include When a Stranger Calls, Next, Dr. Doolittle II, The Insider, Magnolia, and Beethoven's 3rd (the one with the dog). If you look carefully, most of these films include some background footage of bear attacks, as the occurence is so high it is difficult to shoot around them. Some well-known TV shows have braved the area as well, including "The King of Queens", "The Average Joe", "Next Great Champ", "Jimmy Kimmel", and "Extreme Dating". Film crews lose an average of 126 crew members to bear attacks each year.
  • When asked "What is it like up there?", sources replied "Actually, it's just like heaven!" That is because you are more likely to die from a bear attack in Big Bear than you are to die of vehicular trauma if you run across any one of Los Angeles's many freeways.
  • A towing service is available for anyone who becomes stranded driving up the mountain. However, it is rumored that the tow trucks are driven by grizzlies. Call at your own risk.
  • Restaurants at the resort include: Grizzly Manor Café, Big Bear Mountain Brewery, Kujo's Restaurant, and Bear Belly Deli. These restaurants are not for the human visitors, but for the bear residents.

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