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Benjamin Franklin is one of the greatest Founding Fathers in American history
Battlin' Ben was the first Founder to be featured in The Colbert Report segment Better Know A Founder on March 1, 2006.
Franklin is noted for nominating the turkey as the national symbol of the United States of America, but this is due to his habit of smoking dope. For that same reason he is also the only Founding Father to have imagined, and subsequently participated in, space travel. If Nathan Hale is the first American spy, then Ben Franklin is most definitely the first American astronaut.
Contrary to common belief the U.S. $100 bill holds his smirking face not because his ballsiness is worth more than all the money in your pocket, but because rap stars believe he is the epitome of a "hard-partying bitch-wrangler", and have thusly referred to those bills as "Benjamins." Bling.
Franklin is noted for the creation of the first firehouse in the American colonies, and not a moment too soon. The firemen received the first call after one of "Good Time Benny's" parties got out of hand and Thomas Paine knocked a paraffin lamp into a wigpile. For any other Founding Fathers, this is a lesson well learned - keep the opium away from Paine or you are asking for trouble.
Benjamin Franklin was a pimp. He always had girls on his lap.
The victory was sweet, but the hangover was definitely hell.
Was a Ladies ManEdit
Benjamin Franklin pioneered the term "international playboy". Although best remembered as an elder statesman in his 70's at the time of the American Revolution, in his youth Ben was considered quite the looker, as he is known to have been an avid bodybuilder (applying his knowledge of weight training). As he passed into old age, he shifted to relying on his infamous wit and charm, in addition to his genius-level intellect. Quite the honey-talker, Ben knew at least a dozen languages, and was the toast of every social scene. John Adams pointed out that while he had taught himself the French language through reading textbooks by candle-light, Ben had learned the French language from the pillow-talk of his French mistresses.
There is speculation that at the time of the War of Independence, something like every third teenager in Philadelphia could be counted among Ben's bastard offspring. Oscar Wilde summed it up best: when asked to 'name the American politician who was Ben Franklin's illegitimate descendant', he retorted, "sir, I would be hard-pressed to find an American politician who was not Ben Franklin's illegitimate descendant."
Just read Franklin's essay Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (1745).
My dear Friend,
I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.
But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:
i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.
4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding2 only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!
Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.
Invented Electricity with his Huge Brass BallsEdit
This was acheived with the combination of a kite, a key to a sohority at a Seven Sisters University (you know, the extremely promiscious one), and a can of AXE body deodorant. It should be noted that details from his life are later used as the inspiration for the character MacGyver.
As Stephen Colbert's sidekickEdit
- Has adopted a Roomba, and is now attempting to find it a mate. See, he even likes watching robots doing it. That's damned freaky.Episode #380
- As an ambassador to France, had intimate dealings with
French whoresCatholics.Episode #381
- Wasted his life inventing the toaster.Episode #382
- Argues with other 18th century pimps.Episode #382
Benjamin Franklin: Dances with Injuns/SavagesEdit
Benjamin Franklin on the Iroquois League, in a letter to James Parker, 1751
In this letter, Benjamin Franklin, whose famous statement “Join or Die” later galvanized colonial union and the fight for independence from the British, states that his inspiration for this came from the six tribes of the Iroquois Nation, for whom union was also advantageous. But we all know that injuns just stole the idea from us by traveling to the future and bringing our form of government to the past, thieving injuns.
- It would be a strange thing if Six Nations of ignorant savages should be capable of forming a scheme for such an union, and be able to execute it in such a manner as that it has subsisted ages and appears indissoluble; and yet that a like union should be impracticable for ten or a dozen English colonies, to whom it is more necessary and must be more advantageous, and who cannot be supposed to want an equal understanding of their interests.