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- Senator John McCain as Detective John McClain
- Smokey The Dolphin as Porpy (his trusty sidekick)
- Ching Chong Ding Dong as Wing Wang Ching Chang
- Soledad O'Brien as Charlene
- Drowney The Bear as the Pizzly
- The Village People as the Gay Bears
- PK Winsome as the token black guy who gets killed in the first 15 minutes of the film.
- Samuel L. Jackson as Corpse #2
- Caesar Honeybee as Sailor in the top bunk
- Tyrone Hunnibi as Sailor in the top bunk on the bottom
- USS Rhode Island as the USS Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
- Directed by: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
- Written by: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
- Edited by: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
- Musical score: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A. and his Orchestra of Heroes
- Grip: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
- Gaffer: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
- Best Boy: Tad
- Slavedriver: Killer
- Token girl on the crew: Meg
BASED ON A TRUE STORY
A mild-mannered oil executive (played by John McCain, reprising his famous character from the Die Hard series) is the special guest of the United States Navy for the launch of the newest nuclear submarine (the USS Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.) in America's unending dominance of the sea. Unbeknownst to the entire crew of 125 young, hot, robust sailors, the nefarious Japanese henchman, Wing Wang Ching Chang (played by Ching Chong Ding Dong), ambushes the submarine underneath the normal-temperatured and unpolluted ocean.
As the crew races to the edges of the earth in search of Commies to convert to Capitalism, Wing Wang Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang pilots his ship straight into the hapless sub as it tries to surface, causing a great oil slick in the once pristine ocean. As the ever-environmentally conscious crew and their special guest work feverishly to clean the mess and save the waterfowl, Wing Wang sneaks a Pizzly on board the sub.
Before everything can be cleaned up, Wing Wang Ramma-Lamma-Damma-Ding-Dong releases a herd of fire-proof crocodiles, forcing the sub to submerge with their deadly cargo aboard! Oh Noes!
Will Detective McClain be able to kill the Pizzly, help Ensign Charlene (played by the beautiful and multi-ethnic Soledad O'Brien) give birth, prevent an outbreak of cannibalism and raunchy homosexuality, all before their air runs out?!
Rated NC-17 for gratuitous motherfucking goddamn language, several scenes of hot man-on-man sexual situations, drug use, and intense sequences of terror and violence.
Also Known AsEdit
- Pacific Water Flight 131
- Ursus Arctos Horribilis Aboard A Submersible Watercraft
- Snakes on a Plane 2: Electric Boogaloo
- Bears in a Submarine Sandwich
- Die Harderer: Now with Even More Vengeance Per Square Mile
- Pizzly's Piss Me Off
- Sub Full of Sea-Men (snicker)
- The Love Sub
- Ching Da Ding Dong (Chinese Title)
- In his entire acting career, no character played by PK Winsome has made it past the first 15 minutes of the movie alive.
- The entire soundtrack is just The Village People's In the Navy over and over again.
[Wing Wang encounters McClain for the first time]
Wing Wang: Ching chong ching chong mothafuckin' chang!
John McClain: Yippie-kay-yay motherfucker!
[Orders Pizzly onboard the submarine]
Wing Wang: Ching chang ching, ching chang chong! Chingitty-chingitty chang chang!
Wing Wang: (Pisses Himself.)
[Caesar and Tyrone sharing one of many tender moments]
Tyrone Hunnibi: Jeezus Caesar...oh Jeezus...yes...OW! That hurt!
Caesar Honeybee:(says in Hawt British accent) ...Oh whoops...sorry love...that's my antique wristwatch getting caught up in your hairs. Well, at least you won't have to get waxed next week.
Tyrone: Just because you left that on, no teabag for YOU, mister.
Caesar: *sighs* Goddamn it.
- In the scene where John McCain first encounters the bears, he is clearly seen wearing a modern wristwatch.
- In the scene where Drowney the Bear attacks and kills PK Winsome, the bear is clearly seen wearing a modern wristwatch. PK's seen wearing a clock.
- In the scene where Charlene gives birth, the baby is clearly seen wearing a modern wristwatch. Also, we all know that Charlene is a Virgin...so how'd the hell did the baby get the wristwatch???
- In the scene where Wing Wang Ching Chang tries to seduce John McCain's character, he is seen holding a butt plug while wearing a modern wristwatch... around his penis!
- In the scene where you get the full length shot of the sub for the first time, it's clearly seen wearing a modern wristwatch. Also, the sub is just a Yugo painted battleship gray.
- In the scene where Honeybee and Hunnibi are getting it on, they are clearly seen wearing beautiful antique wristwatches....on their penii!
- "The best "dangerous-animal-on-a-mode-of-transportation" movie since "Snakes on a Plane!" -- Gene Shalit
- "I bearly held on to the edge of my seat cushion, which I also used as a floatation device!" --Larry King
- "Bearssss on a Ssssssubmarine is the mosssst hisss-terical movie of the year! Ssssstephen Colbert takes the franchissssse to ssssslithering new heightsssss." --Joel Siegel
- "The single largest piece of liberal propaganda I have ever seen!" --Michael Medved
- "My movies are better! 'Cause I said so! Why are you watching this? Watch my movies! Please? Pretty Please? I'll suffer a quadruple artery blockage if you don't!"--Michael Moore
Disclaimer: ''All items on this page are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental, except for John McCain, who really did all this stuff.
No animals were harmed in the making of this film except, of course, bears, which are really more machine than animal.