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Wikiality.com Studios proudly presents ...
"Bears in a Submarine"
Bears in a Submarine has been rated WTF by the MPAA.
Flag quote open clear2
I've had it with these motherfucking bears in this motherfucking submarine!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Carlos, the uber-cool submarine captain who doesn't get killed
BearsPosterSM

"Bears" original poster used during filming: the original actors were killed by Drowney the Bear.

John-McClain

Detective John McClain is back.... with a Vengeance!

CastEdit

  • Joe Don Baker as scientist Max Whitcomb
  • Blythe Danner as scientist Cindy Larsen
  • Senator John McCain as Ryan, an oil company CEO
  • Paul Reubins as Jeff, the submarine pilot who's killed by the bears
  • Felix Sanchez as Carlos, the submarine co-pilot who survives
  • Soledad O'Brien as Donna, a journalist and grad student
  • The Village People as the bears
  • PK Winsome as Blake, a disgruntled scientist
  • Samuel L. Jackson as Tony, another oil company executive
  • Caesar Honeybee as Officer Dunwood, the cop who arrests Blake
  • Tyrone Hunnibi as Steve, Tony's buddy at Rockford Oil
  • USS Rhode Island as the Laurel, the scientist's submarine


CrewEdit

PlotEdit

SPOILERS AHEAD

Max Whitcomb and Cindy Larsen, two oceanic scientists, discover an alarming temperature increase deep beneath the ocean's surface. They blame it on global warming and plan a subsequent deep sea submarine expedition to confirm their findings.

Unbeknownst to them, Rockford Oil Corp, the world’s largest oil conglomerate, hears of their discovery and attempts to suppress their data. After much discussion, Ryan, the CEO of Rockford Oil, decides that their best way forward is to put bears on the scientists’ submarine, which would destroy any evidence that would affect the company’s profitability.

The scientists are mostly done collecting their data when the bears attack. The crew is separated but somehow find a way to lock one of the bears in the restroom and find each other. Using a variety of homemade weapons and bear repellents (including bleach, boiling water, and a Drano bomb), they manage to hold off the bears and barricade themselves in the control room. Unfortunately, Jeff Snyder, the submarine pilot, is killed in the attack, and the instruments in the control room have been damaged by the bears. They also learn that Blake Crawley, a disgruntled colleague, betrayed them to Rockford Oil in exchange for millions of dollars.

Carlos Ramirez, the submarine captain, rises to the occasion and delivers the film’s iconic line: “I’ve had it with these motherfucking bears on this motherfucking submarine!”  He provides the scientists with scuba gear and then floods the submarine, drowning the bears. He and the scientists escape the flooded submarine, saving both themselves and the data.

Meanwhile, Blake helps himself to Max’s possessions and is arrested as he attempts his getaway. Max’s research is peer-reviewed and published, and he celebrates with a fancy meal and the purchase of an electric car.

MPAAEdit

Rated R for gratuitous motherfucking goddamn language and intense sequences of terror and violence.[1]

Soundtrack Edit

1. "Two Thousand Meters Beneath the Sea"

2. "The Ocean Can't Hear You Scream"

3. "Brown Grizzly" (Teddybears Remix)

4. "Arkoudaphobia"

5. "Can't Take It"

6. "Bears, Bears, Bears"

7. "Of All the Vessels in All the World"

8. "The Metal Hull"

9. "Into the Deep"

10. "Remember to Breathe"

11. "Blood Red"

12. "Bears on a Submarine - The Theme" (Score)

ScriptEdit

'BEARS ON A SUBMARINE' 

' ' 

Written by

 

MooMoo2

 

May 2017

 

INT. MAX’S HOUSE – LATE EVENING

Jen is hanging a wall painting in the living room when the doorbell rings. She looks through the peephole and opens the door. Max, her husband, enters.

 

JEN

Hi Max! How’s your day?

MAX

Not that great. Got stuck in traffic, accidentally overcooked my lunch, and had to put up with some lingering workplace drama.

 

JEN

Drama? What kind of drama?

 

MAX

Blake’s still upset that he got passed over for a promotion. He’s had the most seniority, but Cindy has better credentials, and word on the street is that her evaluations are much better too. Anyway, I’m glad the week’s over.

 

JEN

They don’t call it “Happy Friday” for nothing.

 

MAX

I’m not too happy about today, but I’m certainly happy about the nice weekend I’m looking forward to. Tomorrow’s going to be diving with Carlos.

 

JEN

Was he the submarine pilot on your previous work trip?

 

MAX

Yup, and he’s like a submarine himself. He’s dived ninety feet deep without any gear and can easily hold his breath for three and a half minutes.

 

JEN

That sounds impressive and dangerous at the same time. I’m beginning to question whether the move from Minnesota to California was the right thing for us.

 

MAX

The traffic’s worse, but the warmer weather more than makes up for that.

 

JEN

Yeah, but the weather has also been leading you to a riskier lifestyle. You’ve never been into underwater sports before, and you can’t freedive in Minnesota at this time of the year.

 

MAX

Oh, I’m not as hardcore as Carlos. All of my dives are done with properly maintained gear. Which reminds me, I need to get to Dave’s Dive Shop to replace my fins and scuba tanks. Do you want me to stop by anywhere to get food?

 

JEN

No, there’s still plenty of leftovers in the fridge. Drive safely!

 

Max is putting on his shoes when the phone rings. He hesitates before taking off his shoes and grabbing the phone.

 

MAX

Hello?

 

CINDY

It’s me, Cindy. I just got some initial data from our last deep sea expedition, and it’s not looking good.

 

MAX

Why? Did we have faulty instruments like last time? Was our data corrupted again?

 

CINDY

No, the data has been confirmed by two separate instruments. What’s worrying is what the data shows. Over the past few years, the oxygen level two kilometers below the ocean’s surface has declined by an average of two percent a year.

 

MAX

That’s certainly unprecedented. What were the other readings you got at that depth?

 

CINDY

The pH has dropped to 7.7. Temperatures are 1.2 degrees higher than normal for this time of the year.

 

MAX

Holy cow. Do you know what could be causing this?

 

CINDY

I’ll need to analyze the data more to confirm, but I think it’s a result of global warming.

 

MAX

Global warming?

 

CINDY

Yes. Excess heat has now seeped deep into the oceans, and warm water holds less oxygen than cold water. Any further increase in temperatures would lead to the collapse of all marine life except for the few species that can survive with little oxygen.

 

MAX

All signs indicate that the problem is rapidly worsening. It’s hard to overstate the urgency of this issue.

 

CINDY

Why is that the case?

 

MAX

If the pH has dropped to 7.7, the oceans can’t absorb our carbon dioxide as well. It’s a positive feedback loop that leads to catastrophic warming. This wasn’t supposed to happen for at least a century.

 

CINDY

I’m just as surprised as you are. It’s all happening faster than anyone expected. Let’s meet in the lab tomorrow morning to go over this further.

 

MAX

Why do we have to meet in the lab tomorrow morning? I get that the situation is dire, but a few days won’t make a difference.

 

CINDY

The deadline to submit grants to the Science Foundation is less than two weeks from now. We’ve got to get our proposal submitted to them by then in order to obtain funding for our next expedition. It’s got to be all hands on deck. Blake will have to help out as well.

 

MAX

What will our next expedition be?

 

CINDY

We’ll collect the same data as before. But this will be from a different part of the ocean and at varying depths to confirm our previous analysis.

 

MAX

I see. What’s on the agenda for tomorrow?

 

CINDY

We’ll compile the graphs and figures from our previous expedition. The actual report writing starts on Monday. See you at 9 AM tomorrow.

 

MAX

(Sighs. He pauses for a moment.)

All right, see you then.

 

MAX

(puts down the phone and faces Jen)

I got bad news regarding the world’s oceans, and my weekend’s gone. Shouldn’t have picked up the phone.

 

JEN

At least you’ll have another cool submarine trip in the near future that you can look forward to.

 

INT. RESEARCH LAB - MORNING

 

The room is filled with test tubes, computers, and various scientific equipment. Blake is sitting in front of a computer terminal, next to Max.

 

CINDY

Those are the samples we’ve collected from our previous expedition.

 

She points to two shelves of test tubes.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

The tubes in the top shelves are all done, but those on the bottom shelf still need to be tested. I’ll put them into our dissolved oxygen test kit. Blake, input the data onto the computer as I read the figures. Max, test the pH of these samples once I hand them off to you.

 

BLAKE

Do you think we’ll be out by 3 PM this afternoon?

 

CINDY

Depends on how fast we process these.

 

BLAKE

We’re getting overtime for this, right?

 

CINDY

Blake, I know you don’t want to be at work today, but neither do any of us. We all have to do this work in a timely manner to meet our grant funding deadline. No grants, no paychecks.

 

MAX

Here, let me do this.

 

He grabs the keyboard from Blake.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Blake, just change the ink in the printer and get some paper from the supply room.

 

BLAKE

Fine then.

 

Blake steps out of the lab.

 

MAX

Cindy, start reading me the data.

 

CINDY

OK, here it is.

 

She inserts the dissolved oxygen sensor into the first of several test tubes.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

First batch - 18.07, 17.93, 17.96

 

MAX

Got it.

 

CINDY

18.05, 18.37, 18.10, and 17.89

 

MAX

First batch done.

 

A bar graph appears on the screen. The bar is below a red line and far below the yellow line.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Yikes, the oxygen levels are alarming indeed.

 

CINDY

Ready for the next batch? Here are the values: 17.75, 17.87, 17.72, …

 

Max types in the data.

INT. ROCKFORD OIL CONFERENCE ROOM – EARLY AFTERNOON

 

Ryan, the Chief Executive Officer, is at the head of the table.

 

Linda, the Chief Information Officer, is at the opposite end. Tony, Steve, and two other senior company officials are on the longer sides of the table.

 

RYAN

I have been informed that a preliminary scientific expedition has found that global warming is causing a decline in oceanic oxygen levels, resulting in a potential extinction of marine life. A second expedition will be launched to confirm the results of the first one. This is the worst news we’ve gotten this year.

 

TONY

I don’t share your concern here. This information isn’t specifically targeting us.

 

RYAN

Look, we’re one of the largest, if not the largest, oil conglomerate in the world. Only the Saudis and maybe the Russians have greater reserves than us, and that’s assuming they’re not exaggerating their reserves.

 

Everyone at the table looks intently at him. He pauses for a moment and then continues.

 

RYAN (CONT’D)

About half of our reserves cannot be developed if this data gets out to the public. That means that over a hundred billion barrels will be stuck in the ground.

 

TONY

Why do you think that this will be the case? Global warming has been known for quite some time. It’s not exactly breaking news.

 

RYAN

Support for climate action is already close to a tipping point, and the public doesn’t even know about this data yet. Most won’t mind warmer winters, but few would put up with a seafood shortage.

 

STEVE

Let them eat beef.

 

LINDA

Try telling that to the protesters outside of our building. They’re supporting a proposed international binding agreement that would completely phase out fossil fuels by 2050. I haven’t calculated exactly how much of our reserves would have to remain undeveloped if it passes, but a hundred billion barrels is in the right ballpark.

 

STEVE

That’s five trillion dollars at today’s oil prices. How will the shareholders react? Will everyone just dump our stock the day the news comes out?

 

RYAN

(raises voice)

That and more will happen, and we’ll all suffer. That vacation home you wanted, Steve? Gone. That 401k matching plan you proposed, Tony? Toast. And don’t get too attached to your colleagues, because you may not be seeing some of them in a few months.

 

LINDA

How many job losses are we looking at?

 

RYAN

A third of our workforce will have to be slashed, if not more. Salaries across the board will be cut by about that much as well. You can expect to retire at 75, not 55.

 

TONY

Is there anything we can do about this?

 

RYAN

There’s a solution to every problem. You’ve got until Thursday morning to come up with a plan.

 

TONY

Next Thursday, or the one after that?

 

RYAN

This Thursday. The day after tomorrow.

 

INT. STEVE’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON

 

Steve is sitting at his desk. He is about to type something when Tony enters.

 

TONY

Steve, I don’t know why this job was given to me. I need to think twice about what I say in meetings. You got any ideas?

 

STEVE

Not now, but just relax. At least you don’t have to come up with a solution by the end of the day. Just take a walk this evening and think it over then.

 

TONY

A walk? I don’t have time for that. It’s easy to be chill when you’re not the one under pressure.

 

STEVE

Walking in nature invigorates the mind. Didn’t you read last week’s news article about how a nature walk changes the brain? Some of my best ideas have come while hiking in Yellowstone National Park.

 

TONY

I’ll take a quick loop through the Pine Flats Trail this evening if I haven’t come up with an idea by then. It’s on my way home, and your suggestion is as good as any.

 

EXT. FOREST TRAIL - DUSK

 

Tony is walking on a narrow forest trail and is on the phone with Steve. No one else is around him. His speakerphone is on.

 

TONY

Steve, there’s five trillion dollars at stake, and our big boss wants me to figure this out. First of all, that’s way above my pay grade, and second, …

 

He stops and hears a bear growling in the distance. A second growl is heard somewhat farther away.

 

TONY (CONT’D)

Wait a minute…

 

He hears heavy footsteps and the sound of a tree branch breaking. He freezes, unsure of what to do. He briefly weighs his options before abruptly turning around and running in the opposite direction.

 

TONY (CONT’D)

(panting)

I’ve got a plan. I’ll call you later.

 

STEVE

I suppose that walk did help after all.

 

Tony puts his phone in his pocket and continues running. He sees another hiker in the distance.

 

TONY

Bears! Turn back!

 INT. ROCKFORD OIL CONFERENCE ROOM – MORNING

 

Ryan is at the head of the table once again. As before, Tony, Linda, Steve, and two other senior company officials are present.

 

RYAN

So, what’s your plan, Tony?

 

TONY

Tranquilize a couple of bears and put them on the submarine they’re using for their next expedition. Bears are currently coming out of hibernation, and once they wake up, the hungry bears will eat the scientists and anything else they can get their paws on.

 

LINDA

How many bears will fit into that sub?

 

TONY

At least a dozen, but six will be enough to get the job done.

 

LINDA

What kind of bears will they be?

 

TONY

Four adult male grizzlies or black bears, a mama bear, and its cub. That’s one adult bear for every adult human.

 

Pause. He looks around at the others.

 

TONY (CONT’D)

The males are hungry, and the mama bear will attack the people who’ll inevitably come between her and her cub. If all goes right, the scientists, their data, and all of our worries will rest at the bottom of the ocean.

 

STEVE

What about the bears?

 

TONY

(laughs)

Consider them collateral damage.

 

RYAN

You’ve got to be kidding me.

 

TONY

No, I’m totally serious about the idea. If this plan doesn’t work, what else can we do? If we get a hitman to assassinate the scientists, there’ll be a massive investigation. The news reporters and conspiracy theorists will be having a field day with it. Once it gets traced to us, the whole company goes under, and we’ll be looking at long prison sentences.

 

RYAN

Fine, we’ll consider that as one option. Does anyone here have any other ideas that aren’t as outlandish as this one?

 

LINDA

Put viruses on their computers instead of bears on their submarine. This will delete their data without putting any of us at risk. We could also publish fake data to cast doubt on their findings.

 

TONY

Linda, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that we can erase their data, backups and all. What’s to stop them from re-running the experiment or having other scientists confirm their preliminary findings? It will buy us a couple weeks’ time at most. It won’t take long for them to disprove our fake data either.

 

STEVE

Tony’s right, elimination of the scientists and their data is mandatory. Nip this problem in the bud while we still can. The only thing up for discussion is whether there are better ways to do this.

 

Everyone else looks at each other for a few seconds. No one says anything.

 

RYAN

Bears on a submarine it is, then. Meeting concluded.

 

EXT. BEACH - DAWN

 

Cindy, Max, and three others are walking towards the Laurel, a newly built submarine that’s one of the largest in the world.

 

CINDY

Hey everyone, this is Donna, a Caltech grad student and news writer for Journal of Oceanic Sciences.

 

She extends her arm to Donna, who’s next to her.

 

MAX

Welcome abroad, Donna! I’m Max, the data analyst. This is Cindy, our recently promoted chief project scientist. Here’s Carlos and Jeff, our submarine helmsman and planesman. They’re both in charge of steering the sub.

 

DONNA

Nice to meet all of you. It’s not every day that you can witness and be a part of a potentially historic discovery in real time.

 

MAX

Just out of curiosity, what’re you studying?

 

DONNA

I’m working on my doctorate in oceanography. I’ve got my dissertation defense scheduled for next month. By the way, could you fill me in on the background and details of this expedition again?

 

MAX

We found an alarming decline in dissolved oxygen and an increase in deepwater oceanic temperatures two thousand miles away in the warm waters of Hawaii. If the data we collect in the colder waters here also show the same thing, it confirms that what’s occurring now is an oceanwide phenomenon that threatens to put all marine life at risk.

 

DONNA

I see. By the way, is this the same type of sub as the one you used in Hawaii?

 

MAX

No, this one’s much bigger. It was built just last year to accommodate the needs of the nation’s oceanographers.

 

CINDY

Yup, it’s bigger and better. Oooh, she’s a beauty.

 

She points to the submarine.

 

CARLOS

And also a bit tricky to maneuver. The smaller subs, you can steer with one hand. This one needs two people to control. By the way, has anyone seen Blake? We’re ready to leave any minute now.

 

CINDY

Nope, it’s just going to be us; Blake called in sick.

 

MAX

So be it, a four-man crew can get the job done just fine. We don’t need that air-breather anyway.

 

CINDY

You know, he’s actually been a more pleasant person to be around with lately. He’s not grumbling as much, and it doesn’t seem like he’s just there for a paycheck.

 

MAX

How so?

 

CINDY

Blake’s been asking a lot of questions about our work and the implications of our results. He even loaded all of our equipment onto the submarine.

 

MAX

He didn’t forget anything, did he?

 

CINDY

Nah, he showed me where everything was. Nothing’s missing.

 

The four of them climb into the hatch to enter the sub.

INT. SUBMARINE ENTRANCE

 

They all stand in the middle of a long narrow hallway. Various rooms are on both sides.

 

JEFF

Welcome to the Laurel, the world’s third largest non-military submarine. Carlos and I will be steering the sub in the control room, which is all the way down to the right.

 

He points to the end of the hallway.

 

JEFF (CONT’D)

The kitchen is right over here.

 

He walks to the kitchen, which is near the stairs.

 

JEFF (CONT’D)

The computer room is right down the stairs this way.

 

He walks down the stairs and into the room. The others follow him.

JEFF (CONT’D)

We also have bunks down here for overnight trips. The restroom’s down that way to your right.

 

He points to the door.

 

JEFF (CONT’D)

Just follow the signs, and if you get lost, you guys can use this map as a reference.

 

He hands each of them a map.

 

DONNA

No windows here? It’ll be cool to see some fish.

 

JEFF

There’s a small porthole in the control room, but other than that, this sub is windowless.

 

MAX

Meh, screw the view. You can’t see anything at the depths we’re going.

 

CINDY

Yeah, sunlight can only penetrate to a depth of half a kilometer under ideal conditions. We’ll be going much deeper than that.

 

DONNA

Well, at least you can see something on the way down.

 

CINDY

Maybe, but we’ll want to descend fast. This sub’s designed for deep sea diving, where the temperatures are much colder than at the surface. It’s going to get pretty hot in here if we stay at a shallow depth for too long.

 

DONNA

(laughs)

But you said that global warming is heating up water at that depth too, right?

 

CINDY

(laughs)

Well, we’re about to find out. Carlos and Jeff, let’s head down to the deep.

 

CARLOS

Sure thing. We’ll be firing up our engines in a minute.

 

Carlos and Jeff head up the stairs to the control room.

 

INT. SUBMARINE CONTROL ROOM

 

Carlos and Jeff are each sitting in front of a steering wheel.

 

JEFF

We’ve got to be a couple dozen nautical miles from shore in order to reach the depths they want. I’m going to adjust the heading. Carlos, help me out with the thrusters and remember to keep an eye on those instruments.

 

He points to a panel to the right of Carlos.

 

CARLOS

Thrusters engaged. By the way, we might be back by this afternoon. Are you planning on doing anything fun after this?

 

JEFF

Nah, getting up at 4:30 this morning to go on this trip has been pretty tiring for me. What about you?

 

CARLOS

I’ll be introducing some of my friends to scuba diving after this. I even brought some gear for them.

 

He holds up his backpack.

 

JEFF

Lucky you. The only thing I have is my lunch, wallet, and that big shaving mirror over there that I keep forgetting to take home.

 

He points to a mirror leaning against the wall.

INT. SUBMARINE COMPUTER ROOM

 

Max is sitting in front of a computer. Donna is to his right and Cindy is to his left, standing in front of a phone. It rings, and Cindy picks it up.

 

CINDY

Hello, Cindy speaking.

 

Pause.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

Cool. Thanks for the info.

 

She hangs up the phone.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

Jeff just called to say that we’re two kilometers under the surface now. Max, could you take down those temperature readings? I’ll go collect the samples and put them in these tubes. We’ll test the O2 levels and the pH once we get back to the lab.

 

MAX

No problem.

 

Max looks over at the wall, reads the gauges, and types the data onto the computer.

 

DONNA

How long have you been doing this type of work for?

 

MAX

About five years, but I’ve been a science and weather geek my entire life. I still remember recording the wind speeds from my backyard wind gauge and figuring out the mean and standard deviation. It’s a bit similar to what I’m doing now.

 

He continues typing in the data.

 

DONNA

Did the data you gathered ever have any practical use?

 

MAX

No, but one of my friends thought I was trying to convince my parents to build a tornado shelter. See, I’m a scientist and not a politician, so I’m not going to start with a conclusion and make my data match what I want to prove.

 

DONNA

Speaking of politics, what do you think about that new concealed carry law?

 

MAX

I have mixed feelings about it. It might make sense in high crime areas but is questionable in everyday situations such as this one.

 

DONNA

They say it’s better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

 

MAX

I can’t imagine why anyone would need to carry a loaded gun on this submarine.

 

Cindy walks in to the room, followed by Carlos and Jeff.

 

JEFF

How are things going, everyone? You guys ready?

 

CINDY

Samples collected. All in here, baby.

 

She holds up the filled up test tubes.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

You got those temps, Max?

 

MAX

They’re all recorded and saved on the computer.

 

CINDY

Thanks. We’ll need to go down another kilometer to collect our next and final set of data. Carlos, Jeff, let’s start the descent. I’ll be back soon.

 

Cindy leaves the room and turns left.

 

JEFF

You got it.

 

CARLOS

Descent underway in 45 seconds.

 

Carlos and Jeff start walking up the stairs to the control room when one of the bears begins to growl.

 

MAX

Hey, wait up –

 

Another low, faint growl is heard.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

What’s that? Did you hear that?

 

CARLOS

(turns around)

Just barely. It’s probably just some of our equipment moving around.

 

MAX

Barely?

 

More growls are heard, but the growls still sound far away.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

It sounds like an actual bear.

 

DONNA

I’ll check it out.

 

Donna leaves the room to investigate.

 

MAX

Our sub’s not falling apart, is it?

 

CARLOS

All maintenance is current. I didn’t see any signs of problems with our instruments or controls.

 

Donna runs back, panting.

 

DONNA

I saw three live bears near the back of the sub. Two have just woken up from hibernation. The other one is still asleep.

 

JEFF

I can’t believe this.

 

MAX

Where did they come from? How did they get in here?

 

DONNA

No clue. Maybe someone was trying to transport live animals last night, and the directions to the cargo ship somehow got mixed up with the directions to this submarine.

 

JEFF

What are the chances of that happening? Besides, the hatch was locked. This was deliberate, not accidental.

 

DONNA

If the hatch was locked, how did that person get the bears in here?

 

CARLOS

Who knows? If you can sneak a bomb or snakes onto a plane, you can certainly sneak bears onto a submarine.

 

MAX

All right, enough speculation for now. Where did Cindy go?

 

DONNA

I think she went to the kitchen to go grab a snack.

 

Max gets up and leaves the room.

 

MAX

Cindy! Are you there?

 

Nothing is heard.

 

DONNA

Maybe she’s in the restroom. I’ll see if that’s in use.

 

Donna goes down the hall to check the restroom.

 

DONNA (CONT’D)

Cindy!

 

Cindy opens the restroom door.

 

CINDY

I’m here! What’s going on? I saw a bear walk down that way, and there was a cub behind it that followed me. It looked cute, but I erred on the safe side and hid in here.

 

DONNA

Someone smuggled some bears onto this submarine before we got in. There are three more bears on the upper level. I don’t know whether one of them was the same one you saw.

 

Cindy steps out of the restroom.

 

CINDY

Is this some kind of prank or something?

 

DONNA

I doubt it. It’s no joke; the other bears are quite big. They’re about this tall.

 

She holds a hand at shoulder height.

 

DONNA (CONT’D)

All fully grown adults.

 

CINDY

(in a lowered voice)

Hey, there he is.

 

She points at the cub, which is about twenty feet away from both of them.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

Lean against the wall, don’t make any sudden movements, and see where it goes.

 

The cub goes into the bathroom, flips the trash can over, and looks through it. Cindy watches the cub in shock.

 

With a sudden realization, she grabs the door handle, slams it closed, and holds it shut.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

Help me out! Someone hold this!

 

Cindy and Donna both grab the door handle and hold on to it.

 

MAX

I’m coming!

 

Max runs down the hall, sees them, and runs back toward the front of the sub.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

(raises voice)

Hold on a sec, I’ll be back.

 

Pause. Cindy and Donna look at each other.

 

Max then arrives with Jeff, who’s carrying a thick rope.

 

JEFF

This should be good. It’s what we used to tie the submarine to the dock. Keep holding, but move your fingers a bit.

 

Jeff ties one end of the rope around the door handle and the other end around the door handle on the opposite side.

 

JEFF (CONT’D)

One down, three or more to go!

 

CINDY

What if there’s a momma bear here that hears her cub crying through those doors?

 

JEFF

Don’t worry, the rope’s tight. I don’t think I can even cut it.

 

DONNA

I’m not too familiar with this place. What’s behind that door again?

 

She points to the door on the opposite side, which the rope is tied to.

 

JEFF

That’s the janitor’s closet.

 

DONNA

If I need to go piss, I know whom to blame.

 

JEFF

Just don’t take a dump. The broom’s in the closet, so we can’t sweep it up.

 

Cindy and Donna laugh. They duck under the rope to join Max and Jeff on the other side.

 

CINDY

By the way, is Carlos around here?

INT. HALLWAY ON UPPER FLOOR

 

Carlos is facing a bear that is five yards away from him. The bear slowly walks toward him as he backs away, looking over his shoulders every few seconds.

 

He is scared and breathing heavily.

 

INT. HALLWAY ON LOWER FLOOR

 

The four of them are standing in a circle, approximately twenty feet away from the computer room.

 

MAX

We need two things. Carlos and the data. Jeff, Donna, and I will search for Carlos. Cindy, get the data from the computer room, close the door, and wait for us in there.

 

CINDY

I’m an arachnophobe. There are two dead spiders in there. Black widows, perhaps. Can you grab the data instead while Donna, Jeff, and I search for Carlos?

 

DONNA

You’re scared of two dead spiders when we have at least four live bears in this place?

 

MAX

I did some of the data entry work, but you’re the lead project scientist. You know the system and the project better than any of us.

 

CINDY

Can I go with you guys and get back here once we find Carlos?

 

DONNA

What if the bears have ransacked this place by then? Do you want to take that chance?

 

MAX

The data must be saved.

 

CINDY

Ohh…o…kay then.

 

She slowly walks into the computer room and closes the door.

 

JEFF

Before we go any further, here’s what we’re getting into.

 

He pulls out a map of the submarine from his pocket and unfolds it.

 

JEFF (CONT’D)

Here’s where we are now.

 

He points to the location of the data room on the map.

 

JEFF (CONT’D)

We’ll start our search from the top of the stairs right here and work counterclockwise, checking each room as we go. You guys ready?

 

DONNA

Let’s do this.

 

MAX

It’s now or never.

 

JEFF

All right, let’s roll.

 

He puts map back in his pocket. He heads up the stairs, followed by Donna and Max.

 

INT. HALLWAY ON UPPER FLOOR

 

The three of them are briskly walking down the hall. They look into each room for signs of Carlos or the bears, but find none.

 

JEFF

(calls out)

Carlos? You there?

 

No sound is heard. They continue searching the upper floor.

 

JEFF (CONT’D)

(calls out)

Carlos?

 

DONNA

Should we split up?

 

MAX

No way! We might each end up facing the bears one-on-one, and that’s a battle we can’t win.

 

JEFF

We’re all in this together, and we’ll stick together.

 

INT. UPPER FLOOR, NEAR CONTROL ROOM

 

Carlos is in a passageway between two bears. His back is to the wall as he looks at the bear on his left and the other bear on his right. Both are slowly walking towards him. The bear to his left is further away than the bear to his right, so he moves sideways to the left.

 

He nervously looks from side to side, keeping an eye on both bears. He feels another passageway behind him as he moves left. He backs into it, taking only a quick glance back to confirm that there are no additional bears there. The bear from his right enters the narrow corridor he’s in, followed by the bear from his left.

 

A distant voice is heard calling his name. He opens his mouth but fears angering the bears if he shouts.

 

INT. HALLWAY ON UPPER FLOOR

 

Jeff breaks into a run as he desperately looks for Carlos, leaving Max and Donna a few steps behind.

 

JEFF

Carlos! Where are you?

 

He runs past a few more rooms without looking into them and sees Carlos up ahead. Carlos is facing down two bears, one behind the other.

 

Donna and Max catch up to them. She pulls out some beef jerky from her pocket and throws some of it at the bears. It lands to the side of the bears, but they take no notice of it and continue walking towards Carlos.

 

MAX

What are you doing?

 

DONNA

I’m trying to distract them and get them to eat the meat instead. I heard it works on dogs.

 

MAX

Do those look like dogs?

 

DONNA

I don’t know, I’m studying to be an ocean scientist, not an animal scientist!

 

MAX

I think the proper term for the latter is “zoologist”. But maybe the jerky can do something good, now that I think about it -

 

Max grabs the remaining jerky from Donna’s hand and throws it high over the bear in front of Carlos. As it looks up and turns its head, he quickly grabs the fire extinguisher hanging on the wall and sprays the bear behind it in the face.

 

The sprayed bear blindly charges forward and runs into the bear in front of it. As both of them fight, Carlos turns around, rejoining the group. They all run away from the commotion.

 

MAX

Get into the kitchen, folks! I’ve got a plan.

 

DONNA

We’ve lost Cindy once before. We’re not going to leave her again, right?

 

MAX

Oh, that’s right. Let’s head down the stairs first. We’ll go to the kitchen right after we get her.

 

Max rushes down the stairs, followed by Donna, Carlos, and Jeff.

 

INT. COMPUTER ROOM

 

Cindy closes a screen on the computer and pulls out a flash drive. Two knocks are heard.

 

CINDY

Bear or human?

 

MAX

Human! Let us in!

 

Cindy opens the door, and the four of them enter the room and close the door behind them.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Did you get all of the data?

 

CINDY

Just finished grabbing it off the computer. Here you go.

 

Cindy hands Max the flash drive, who puts it in his pocket.

 

MAX

Thanks. We can head to the kitchen now.

 

CINDY

Why can’t we stay here instead?

 

MAX

We can’t stay here forever, and we’ll have to face the bears sooner or later. But if we go to the kitchen now, we can make some improvised weapons and use them to attack the bears.

 

Cindy nods but doesn’t say anything. Max opens the door, looks around, and doesn’t see any bears.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

(to the others)

All clear.

 

They all head out the door.

 INT. SUBMARINE KITCHEN

 

A large fridge is in the corner. Donna, Carlos, Jeff, and Cindy are crowding around Max.

 

MAX

The bears have left this part of the sub for now. It’s only a matter of time before they return, but we’ll be ready for them when they come. Jeff, pour some hot water in those pots and boil them. Everyone, grab a knife or two. The longer and sharper, the better.

 

Jeff fills three pots with water and boils them.

 

CARLOS

Put some sugar in it, Jeff. The solution will stick to the bears and burn them.

 

Jeff pours some sugar into the pots.

 

MAX

Let’s see what else we have in here.

 

He opens the kitchen drawers and cupboards one by one.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Drain cleaner and bleach. Bingo.

 

DONNA

Some of the bears are probably on the lower level. I heard heavy footsteps on the stairs not too long ago. We should stack some mattresses to blockade the stairs and prevent any of them from coming up here.

 

CARLOS

Interesting idea, but it’s going to be tough since the bunks are all on the lower floor.

 

DONNA

Oh, that’s right. I forgot. Can we block the stairs with this fridge instead?

 

MAX

It’s worth a shot. But first, raid that fridge and give me all the meat you have.

 

Donna opens the refrigerator door and looks through the bags in the fridge. She finds chicken drumsticks, sausages, and some steak.

 

DONNA

Here’s some.

 

She passes them to Max, who puts them in the kitchen sink.

 

MAX

Anything in the freezer?

 

Donna opens the freezer. A bag of ice and a half-empty package of frozen fish fillets are inside.

 

DONNA

Just some fish fillets.

 

MAX

Toss those in the microwave until they’re nice and warm.

 

She warms up the fish in the microwave.

 

DONNA

Before I get too hungry, does anyone know where the Lysol is? I’ve seen it before. Just spray this place with it to repel the bears.

 

CARLOS

All the Lysol we’ve got is in the janitor’s closet, and I won’t risk releasing another bear to go get it.

 

Max looks around the room for other potential weapons and bear repellents. He sees a bottle of vinegar on the kitchen counter.

 

MAX

Here, this will do. Pour this on your clothes, everyone. Bears don’t like the smell of it.

 

He pours it on his shirt and passes the bottle to Jeff, who’s standing next to him. He proceeds to do the same and passes the bottle to the others. All five of them are soaking wet.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

All right, time to move this sucker. Carlos, grab a knife in case we encounter any bears. Stick close and always remain in eyesight of each other so we don’t get split up again.

 

DONNA

I’ll get some bleach and put it at the bottom of the stairs. It might deter them from trying to move this.

 

She pours some bleach into a pot and follows Max, Cindy, and Jeff, who’re moving the fridge from the kitchen to the stairs. Besides them is Carlos, who’s holding a knife.

 

They reach the stairs. There are no signs of any bears in the area. Donna climbs down the stairs and puts down the pot of bleach.

 

MAX

Wait up. Let’s pour some of it on the fridge and on the carpet first.

 

Donna obliges. The fridge is dripping with bleach, and the stairs are soaked. Cindy and Jeff are covering their noses at the stench of the bleach.

 

Donna puts the nearly empty pot at the bottom of the steps and climbs up to the top.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Let’s get this thing in place. Push!

 

Max and the others push the fridge until it almost completely covers the entrance to the staircase.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Good, that should do it.

 

The five of them confidently walk back to the kitchen. There are still no signs of the bears.

 

INT. SUBMARINE KITCHEN

 

Max has a few pieces of meat in the sink in front of him. Cindy and Donna are to his left, and Carlos and Jeff are to his right.

 

MAX

Don’t do this at home, folks.

 

He pours drain cleaner on the meat, and then tops it off with honey. Cindy looks at him in shock, but Donna seems somewhat at ease.

 

DONNA

(laughs)

I can if I have a bear invasion, right?

 

MAX

Everything’s fair game in a bear invasion.

 

He puts the poisoned meat outside the door and in the hall.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

This is gonna be a win-win. If the bears sense that there’s something wrong with the food, they’ll go away and leave us alone. If they eat it, they’ll die from the poison.

 

He hears slow, heavy footsteps outside the kitchen. The steps sound like they’re coming closer.

 

CARLOS

Shhh, they’re coming. Is the water boiling?

 

Jeff goes back to check on the pots.

 

JEFF

(in a lowered voice)

The smaller pots are both at full boil. The bigger one should get there soon.

 

MAX

Good. We don’t have enough knives for everyone, so I’ll grab the bleach. The rest of you can arm yourselves with either a knife or a pot of boiling water, whichever you feel more confident with.

 

Cindy takes a knife, and Jeff gets a pot of water. Carlos looks at the remaining knife and pot, but instead of choosing, he looks into the hallway and sees the bears.

 

Two bears are about a hundred feet away to his right and slowly walk towards the kitchen. Another bear approaches from his left, but it’s still quite far away.

 

CARLOS

We may be able to take on two bears, but I’d rather not have to deal with three.

 

He hurries to the kitchen counter, grabs a plastic bottle, and fills it two-thirds full with Drano.  He quickly stuffs aluminum foil in it, shakes the bottle, and rolls it down the hall towards the bear on the left.

 

DONNA

What did you do?

 

CARLOS

Just rigged up an improvised explosive device.

 

DONNA

Where did you learn that from?

 

CARLOS

Anarchist’s Cookbook. Went through a phase in my teen years.

 

The bears coming from the right sniff the meat. However, they sense something wrong with it and continue walking to the kitchen without eating any of the meat.

 

The bear on the left walks toward the Drano bomb, kicks it around, and then continues heading toward the kitchen. The bomb does not explode.

 

MAX

Shoot, that thing’s a dud.

 

The bears enter the kitchen one by one and look around. A grizzly bear faces Jeff, and a black bear faces Cindy. A brown one approaches Max, who holds a pot filled with bleach.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

(to brown bear)

Take one more step towards me, and you’ll get a gallon of bleach in your face.

 

The bear growls at him but doesn’t move. After a few tense seconds, it inexplicably turns back and walks out of the kitchen.

 

MAX

(whispers and looks around)

What?

 

DONNA

It’s probably the smell of the vinegar and the bleach. It might have worked.

 

The bears facing Jeff and Cindy begin to turn around when…

 

…the drano bomb explodes. The bear outside the kitchen roars and slams into the wall. The two bears in the kitchen lunge at Jeff and Cindy.

 

JEFF

          (screams)

     No!

 

Jeff throws one of the pots of water at the bear’s body, but most of it misses, and only a tiny amount manages to penetrate the bear’s thick fur. The bear mauls Jeff’s leg, which bleeds profusely.

 

Meanwhile, the bear facing Cindy attempts to bite her, but she plunges her knife into the bear’s mouth as it opens. The bear howls and pins her left leg to the cabinet.

 

CINDY

     If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me.

 

Cindy hangs on to the knife with both hands, pushes it in deeper, and grits her teeth. Both she and the bear shake from side to side, but neither lets go. Blood drips from the bear’s mouth and from Cindy’s leg.

 

Max sees them, grabs a large pot of water, and pours it on the bear’s face. It burns its mouth and eyes, causing it to turn around and release Cindy. It stumbles around and cries out in pain, knife still in its mouth.

 

CARLOS

     You’re done with that mission. I need you for this one.

 

Carlos pulls the knife out of the bear’s mouth and rushes to attack the bear attacking Jeff. It turns around to face Carlos, stands on its hind legs, and roars, just inches away from him.

 

He leans back but holds the knife, ready to attack.

 

MAX

If you’re hungry, eat it!

 

He picks up one of the steaks on the ground and throws it over Carlos’s head and into the bear’s mouth. The bear clamps down and appears to choke on it. It makes retching noises, shakes its head violently, and spits out bits of meat.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Who’s next?

 

The bear injured by the blast from the Drano bomb blindly stumbles around. It bounces from one side of the wall to the other and misses the kitchen door by sheer luck. It continues down the hallway, leaving a trail of blood.

 

CINDY

We’re screwed, all of this blood is just going to feed their appetite.

 

JEFF

They’re bears, not sharks. The sight and scent of blood isn’t going to make them hungrier or more aggressive than they already are.

 

CINDY

I’m not so sure…

 

The black bear roars again. Max reaches for a chicken drumstick to throw into its mouth, but he stops and leaves it on the ground.

 

MAX

Down to the floor, everyone!

 

Max hits the floor, along with the others. Carlos puts his knife besides him. They all look at Max.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

(in a lowered voice)

We have neither the strength nor the weapons to kill or incapacitate the bears. Our only hope is to play dead. Lay still and don’t make any noise.

 

DONNA

(whispers)

What do we do next?

 

MAX

(whispers)

We can quickly and quietly make a run for the control room and barricade ourselves in there once the bears move away and lose interest in us. That’s our only choice.

 

The bears seem to calm down somewhat. One of them sniffs Jeff. He lies perfectly still until the bear brushes against his injured leg.

 

JEFF

(screams)

Aaargh!

 

Before he or anyone else can react, the bear immediately snaps his neck and tears off his arm. The bear then bites into his body and throws it against the wall.

 

CINDY

(tears roll down her face.)

Nooo...

 

CARLOS

(whispers)

We’ve lost Jeff.

 

MAX

(whispers)

Silence, or what happened to Jeff will happen to us.

 

The bears sniff the others. Nobody moves. The bears start walking away and are soon out of sight.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

(whispers)

This way. Stay low. Follow me.

 

The four of them crawl through several passageways. They are about to turn right when they hear a low, long groan from just around the corner. They come to a stop.

 

DONNA

(whispers)

Is that a different type of bear that we haven’t seen before?

 

CARLOS

(whispers)

Let’s just hope it’s small and not a polar bear.

 

The bear takes a step, lets out another moan, and collapses with a loud thud. It lands in the corner just a few feet in front of Max.

 

MAX

(whispers)

It’s the bear we poisoned earlier. We’re probably safe, but hug the corner and stay as far away from it as you can.

 

They carefully crawl around the bear, before going straight and then making a left turn into a long hallway.

MAX (CONT’D)

(whispers)

The control room is to your right at the end of this hallway. We shouldn’t be more than fifty yards away.

 

They continue making their way down the hall, crawling as they go. Unknown to them, two bears are walking towards them from the other end of the hallway. The bears are slowly catching up to them.

 

One of the bears steps on a creaky floorboard, which makes Donna look back.

 

DONNA

(shouts)

The bears are behind us! Run!

 

The bears charge at them but are hindered by their injuries. They run with a limp and cannot catch up to Max, Carlos, and Donna, who get up and race to the control room.

 

However, the bears are closing on Cindy, who’s far behind the other three due to her injured leg.

 

CINDY

Wait! My leg!

 

Cindy hops and limps down the hall. Max slows down, stops, and glances from side to side. He looks at Carlos and Donna ahead of him to his left and the bears and Cindy behind him to his right.

 

Pause. Max breathes heavily.

 

Max runs back and drags Cindy, but the bears are gaining on both of them. They are near the end of the hallway and are about to turn right as Carlos appears.

 

CARLOS

Back off!

 

He grabs the fire extinguisher that’s on the hallway wall, pulls the pin, and sprays it at the closest bear.

 

As they turn the corner, the blinded and enraged bear runs into the wall and lets out a wail of agony. Before the second bear can reach them, the four of them make it into the control room. They slam the door behind them and lock it.

 

CARLOS (CONT’D)

(to Max)

Yeah! Thanks for saving me with the extinguisher earlier, bud, I owed you for that one.

 

DONNA

Great job, everyone! Time to head back to shore.

 

Cindy and Carlos look at each other, puzzled.

 

CINDY

Umm, it’s not that easy.

 

DONNA

What do you mean it’s not that easy?

 

CINDY

We can’t steer this sub without Jeff. And even if he were here, it still wouldn’t make much of a difference since the bears damaged most of our equipment.

 

Carlos looks around. Some of controls have been broken off, and parts of the instrument panel have been smashed by the bears.

 

CARLOS

I can still control the submarine to some extent by moving it up and down. But making turns or moving it forward and back is out of the question.

 

MAX

Shoot. We’re under siege. There’s no food and little water here.

 

DONNA

Can we wait out the bears? Do they go into hibernation when there’s no food around?

 

CINDY

They can last longer without food than we can, especially with all that meat we gave them. And it’s too hot for them to hibernate.

 

DONNA

Where are we in the ocean right now? A few hundred miles away from shore, or within sight of an island?

 

CARLOS

No idea. With most of our instrument panel down, our latitude and longitude is anyone’s guess.

 

DONNA

Can’t someone Google our location or something, head to the nearest landmass, and radio for help?

 

CARLOS

No luck with that since the sub has no Internet. You’ll also have to get through all those bears to access the radios at the back of the sub. And they’re probably damaged as well.

 

DONNA

Does the phone work? Is it even possible to call the Coast Guard or anyone for help? We can’t keep running from room to room, and I’d rather be stuck in this room than in most of the others.

 

CARLOS

The phone might work if we’re close to the surface. I’ll ascend to a shallower depth to see if that helps with the reception.

 

MAX

I don’t want to admit it, but calling Blake and sending the data to him may now be our best bet. Can you get him on the line, Cindy? I don’t have his number.

 

CINDY

OK, let me see…

 

Cindy picks up the phone and dials Blake’s number.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

Yes! I got a dial tone.

 

Pause.

 

CINDY (CONT’D)

(on the phone)

Blake! This is Cindy. You won’t believe this, but we’re in the submarine and are under attack by some bears. I’ll pass you some notes to take down. It’s important that our earlier results are confirmed.

 

BLAKE

Glad to know that everything is going as planned.

 

CINDY

What do you mean? You knew about the bears?

 

BLAKE

Bears? Let’s just call them my cute little enforcers.

 

CINDY

So you were the one who put them there? You’re trying to kill us all because you didn’t get that promotion you thought was yours?

 

BLAKE

Promotion? Oh no, it goes much deeper than that. You see, the idea wasn’t even mine. As I learned more about the work you were doing, I realized how valuable this could become. So I passed on the info to someone whom I thought would appreciate it very much.

 

CINDY

Whom are you talking about? How did you know that person?

 

BLAKE

He’s a former classmate of mine who works in an industry that isn’t as grant-dependent and cash-starved as this one.

 

CINDY

So what happened next?

 

BLAKE

He soon gave me the offer I was waiting for. He asked me to place some, er, “valuable cargo” on the sub in exchange for a few hundred thousand dollars in cash and several million dollars in company stock. I loaded the cargo along with the supplies, and I’m just waiting for my payout right now.

 

CINDY

We all have common interests in maintaining a habitable planet, but you chose to harm humanity and thousands of other species just to enrich yourself? All of us would benefit from a healthy ocean. All of us would benefit from a stable climate. And you know what, Blake? I prefer dying a quick death here knowing I did some good for the world rather than living with the consequences of my greed and wasting away in jail for the rest of my life. Something you could never understand.

 

BLAKE

Oh, I certainly do agree that we have common interests. You know how you said that you were interested in living in Europe during that retirement seminar we had last year?

 

CINDY

What seminar?

 

BLAKE

The one in November. I want to retire in Europe too, and it’s just a shame that some of us will have a much shorter retirement than others. So consider yourselves fired and enjoy whatever time you have left. For me, Switzerland sounds good, and so does Russia. I heard that neither of them extradite.

 

CINDY

And you think the Swiss or the Russians would be happy with you once the oceans are dead?

 

BLAKE

No one has to know who I am. Changing my name is a possibility, but if that fails, I can hire my own bodyguards, wear a bulletproof vest, and maybe even get a body double or two. For the right price, anything’s possible.

 

CINDY

Rot in hell, you greedy bastar…!

 

Blake hangs up the phone before she has a chance to finish. Cindy hears a dead tone.

 

CINDY

          (facing Max, Carlos, and Donna)

Blake did all of this. He sold the planet’s future for a million dollars.

 

MAX

That traitor thinks he can bury us ten thousand feet under the ocean, but I swear I’ll get this data out to the world even if it’s the last thing we do.

 

DONNA

Any word on the bears? We’ve got one locked in the restroom, one poisoned, and some blinded. They have cuts and scrapes to various extents. What do you think their condition is now?

 

A few low growls are heard. Max wipes off beads of sweat from his face.

 

MAX

I’m not too sure, but I think that some of them are doing better than most of us.

 

CARLOS

(yells)

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking bears on this motherfucking submarine!

 

He looks at the others, breathing heavily.

 

CARLOS (CONT’D)

I’m gonna pop the hatch from here and let some water in.

 

CINDY

What?!

CARLOS

Listen to me. The submarine will quickly flood, and we’ll surface as fast as we can. Once the water rises to within a few inches of the ceiling, open the door and swim to the hatch. We’re only a few meters deep now, so you should reach the surface shortly after that.

 

CINDY

Pop the hatch? Are you mad? It’s about a hundred and twenty feet from here to there. I can’t swim that far while holding my breath.

 

DONNA

Same here, I’ve never even swam half that distance underwater before. I’d drown if I had to swim that far.

 

CARLOS

No need to panic, we’ve got some scuba tanks and masks here.

 

Carlos reaches over to his bag and holds it up. Max takes the bag from him and looks through the gear.

 

MAX

There’s only enough for three people. I really hate to say it, but who should be saved? Is any one of us expendable?

 

CINDY

Each of us is worth just as much as anyone else. We’ll have to draw lots if no one has a suicide wish.

 

CARLOS

The scuba gear is for the three of you. I’m the freediver who’s done hundreds of underwater swims. And besides, the captain goes down with the ship. Or the sub, in this case.

 

CINDY

Thanks for all you’ve done. We owe you our lives.

 

CARLOS

I accepted this risk when I took this job. Your job is to secure the data. If we don’t get it analyzed and published, we’ll have gone through all of this for nothing. We can’t let Blake win.

 

MAX

I’ve got the temperature data. Cindy gave it to me earlier.

 

He holds up the drive, puts it in a Ziploc bag, and then puts that bag in another bag. He then stuffs the bag in his jacket pocket and zips it.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

That should keep it waterproof. It’s safe with me now.

 

CINDY

Good. I’ve got the test tubes in my pockets. We’re ready.

 

CARLOS

(points at mirror in corner)

Grab Jeff’s mirror over there and hold on to it. I don’t know exactly where we’re at, but we’re supposed to be back by now, and there’ll be tons of ships and planes looking for us by tomorrow. The Navy and Coast Guard do a lot of their exercises in this area too. Use the mirror to reflect the sun’s light and signal them.

 

A bear pounds on the door as Max gets the mirror. A crack appears.

 

CARLOS

Put your gear on as fast as you can, everyone. We don’t have much time.

 

Donna struggles to put on the scuba gear. The bears pound again, and the door shakes.

 

CINDY

They can hear us. They know we’re in here.

 

The bears pound once more, and more cracks appear. The cracks grow larger.

 

MAX

Pull the hatch! They’re coming!

 

DONNA

Wait! I’m not ready yet!

 

A hinge pops off, and the door bulges. Carlos pops the hatch, and water rushes in through the sides and bottom of the door. The bears roar one final time. Donna finishes putting on her gear just as the water reaches her shoulders.

 

Max opens the door and swims out with Cindy and Donna. Carlos is right behind them. As they make their way to the hatch, they see the bears’ bodies lying motionless at the bottom of the hall.

 

As Carlos exits the submarine, one of the bears rises from the floor and makes one last desperate attempt to swim up. It reaches up with its paw to grab Carlos but misses by inches. Carlos continues his ascent, while the bear and the submarine slowly sink to the ocean floor.

 

EXT. A CALM OCEAN SURFACE - DUSK

 

Max, Cindy, Donna, and Carlos pop up from under the water.

 

MAX

Yeah!

 

DONNA

Woo!

 

CARLOS

We did it!

 

CINDY

Good job everyone! Just keep calm and tread water. The North Pacific Current will pull us to shore, near our starting point. If the rescuers don’t spot us, we should reach shore within two to three days. Unpleasant but survivable if you don’t drink the seawater.

 

A helicopter is seen in the distance.

 

CARLOS

There they are! Point the mirror at them.

 

Max flashes the mirror at the helicopter, which comes closer. Everyone else waves at them.

 

DONNA

We’re saved!

 

The chopper flies overhead. It drops a ladder, and the four of them swim to it.

 

EXT. MAX’S DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON

 

Blake pulls up in his car and takes out a sledgehammer.

 

BLAKE

Well, well, well. Time to get some goodies before I go on my thirty-five year vacation.

 

Blake peeks inside and sees a shiny part of an object under a sweater in the passenger’s seat. He smashes the window with the sledgehammer and reaches in the car. He then tosses aside the sweater and picks up the silver laptop underneath.

 

BLAKE (CONT’D)

Looks like you won’t need this anymore, Max.

 

Blake continues to ransack Max’s car but finds nothing else of value.

 

BLAKE (CONT’D)

You know, Max, I’ve always wondered why you always picked up Carlos and Cindy, but never had time to give me a ride. All I know is that it’s never happening again.

 

Blake smashes the front of Max’s car, and proceeds to wreck the doors. He swings the hammer over his head to hit the roof when he hears sirens.

 

BLAKE

Crap!

 

Blake drops the sledgehammer and sprints to his car with Max’s laptop in hand.

 

POLICE VOICE ON RADIO

I’ve received several reports of vandalism and theft in progress at the driveway of 423 Silverwood Street.

 

OFFICER DUNWOOD

10-4, I’m already on my way.

 

Blake fumbles with the remote and keys, but a patrol car is in view just before he opens the door. Officer Dunwood sees him carrying Max’s laptop as Blake enters the car and speeds off.

 

OFFICER DUNWOOD (CONT’D)

(speaking into the radio)

Suspect is in a white Nissan and heading south on Silverwood at a high rate of speed. Request for backup.

 

RADIO

10-4. Suspect description?

 

OFFICER DUNWOOD

5’-9” to 5-11” white male in his early 40s, medium build.

 

RADIO

10-4.

 

Officer Dunwood chases Blake’s car through some residential streets. Two additional police cars join the chase once Blake reaches wider arterial roads.

 

OFFICER DUNWOOD

Put down some spikestrips!

 

Blake rounds a corner and hits the spikestrips as he turns onto Midland Street, just a quarter mile away from Rockford Oil Headquarters. Protesters carrying signs that say “Stop Global Warming” and “Leave It in the Ground” are in front of the building.

 

Smoke comes out from the tires as the car slows down. Blake jumps out and runs toward the building, but is tackled by the protesters right before he reaches the doors.

 

BLAKE

Get off me, you hippies!

 

The protesters hold him down as police arrive. He is handcuffed and thrown in the back of a squad car.

 

INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT - DAY

 

Max and Jen are sitting opposite each other at a table for two. An advertisement is playing on the TV screen next to them.

 

MAX

This is my way of celebrating my most recent publication.

 

He picks up a journal and reads from it.

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Falling oxygen levels resulting from oceanic warming portends grim future for marine life.” Jen, I didn’t think it would be this soon, but the data and evidence were so solid that the article went through peer review a lot faster than anyone expected. Cheers.

 

Max and Jen raise their glasses of wine. The TV screen next to them is showing a picture of Blake with the text “Blake Davis Trial” below.

 

BEN

This is Ben Yamamoto reporting from Channel 4 news. Today’s top story is the trial of Blake Davis, who …

 

MAX

(points to the screen)

Look! It’s Blake.

 

BEN

… led police on a wild car chase two months ago and was arrested in front of Rockford Oil Headquarters, whom he conspired with. He was found guilty of all charges this morning and was sentenced to 25 years to life in state prison. Let’s see what those at the courthouse have to say about the verdict.

 

ERNEST

I was a close friend of Jeff’s. It’s only fair that Blake was given the same conviction and sentence as the one Ryan received two days ago. I feel that justice was served, even though no punishment can ever bring Jeff back.

 

Max looks away from the screen and faces Jen.

 

MAX

I feel for Ernest’s loss, but least he got a sense of closure. Now all I want is to go somewhere to get away from all this.

 

JEN

I’m down for a road trip.

 

MAX

Too bad our car’s wrecked. I guess we could just rent one, but we’ll still have to figure out what to do with the broken car once we get back, and I’m tired of biking twelve miles to work every day.

 

JEN

We might be better off replacing the car than repairing it. That thing has more miles on it than the space shuttle.

 

MAX

It certainly is due for a replacement. I’m pretty much in the mood for anything, as long as it’s not another Toyota Camry.

 

JEN

Let’s see what they have at the car dealership down the street. I was thinking a convertible would be nice for a change. Maybe even a pickup.

 

MAX

That’s what I was thinking too, but in light of all this...

 

Max pauses.

 

JEN

We’ll be getting an electric car.

 

MAX

You betcha.

 

 

 

THE END

Also Known AsEdit

  • Pacific Water Flight 131
  • Ursus Arctos Horribilis Aboard A Submersible Watercraft
  • Snakes on a Plane 2: Electric Boogaloo
  • Bears in a Submarine Sandwich
  • Die Harderer: Now with Even More Vengeance Per Square Foot[2]
  • Pizzly's Piss Me Off
  • Sub Full of Sea-Men (snicker)
  • The Sub of All Fears
  • Ching Da Ding Dong (Chinese Title)

TriviaEdit

  • In his entire acting career, no character played by PK Winsome has made it past the first 15 minutes of the movie alive. Until this one.
  • A pirated copy is reportedly available on the dark web. However, on the pirated copy, the entire soundtrack is just The Village People's In the Navy over and over again.

Memorable QuotesEdit

[Right before the bears wake up]

Donna: They say it’s better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

Max: I can’t imagine why anyone would need to carry a loaded gun on this submarine.


[After the bears wake up]

Carlos: If you can sneak a bomb or snakes onto a plane, you can certainly sneak bears onto a submarine.


[The scientists try to poison the bears]

Max: Don’t do this at home, folks.

Donna: I can if I have a bear invasion, right?

Max: Everything’s fair game in a bear invasion.


[Before drowning the bears]

Carlos: Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking bears on this motherfucking submarine!

GoofsEdit

  • In the scene where Jeff tells Carlos about his shaving mirror that he keeps forgetting to bring home, the mirror is oval-shaped. However, the mirror is rectangular-shaped when Max uses it to signal the rescue choppers.

ReviewsEdit

  • "The best "dangerous-animal-on-a-mode-of-transportation" movie since "Snakes on a Plane!" -- Gene Shalit
  • "Felix Sanchez is like the Hispanic Samuel L. Jackson, except he's more badass." --Richard Roeper
  • "I bearly held on to the edge of my seat cushion, which I also used as a floatation device!" --Larry King
  • "Bearssss on a Ssssssubmarine is the mosssst hisss-terical movie of the year! Ssssstephen Colbert takes the franchissssse to ssssslithering new heightsssss." --Joel Siegel[3]
  • "The single largest piece of liberal propaganda I have ever seen!" --Michael Medved
  • "My movies are better! 'Cause I said so! Why are you watching this? Watch my movies! Please? Pretty Please? I'll suffer a quadruple artery blockage if you don't!"--Michael Moore


Disclaimer:

''All items on this page are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental, except for John McCain, who really did all this stuff.

No animals were harmed in the making of this film except, of course, bears, which are really more machine than animal.

External TubesEdit

NotesEdit

  1. Kids 12 and under get in free with a purchase of Vaxadril Chewables Vitamiиz for Kidz. Note: May cause minor heart explosions and compulsive urges to gamble and/or engage in premarital sex.
  2. Subtitle: Guaranteed or your MONEY BACK!
  3. ...masquerading as Nagini

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