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Bearpiter

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EXCLAMATIONpoint
BEARsqu
"Bearpiter"
is an Official "Lover of Immoral Bears" (LiB) Site™
PROCEED WITH CAUTION
UrsaMajorBear

Artist's deptiction of a star-eating bear

Bearpiter is a planet in the far reaches of the galaxy which is inhabited by a maniacal race of star-eating alien bears. It is the home base of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance.

Alien Bears Want to Rule the UniverseEdit

The inhabitants of Bearpiter have one goal: Conquer the Universe and everything in it. However, they do not conquer planets using blitzkreig-like space war assults. They conquer worlds in a more subversive manner.

Alien Bears Can Take on Human FormEdit

Bearpiter-ites have the ability to take on the form of other species, including human beings. They send one member of their race to a planet in the hopes that this single Bearpiter-ite will become ruler of that planet, and that ruler will unite the indigenous bear population of that world and ally with the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance, eventually conquering the Universe when all planets have been taken over in this same manner.

Supreme Ruler of the Bearpiter Interstellar AllianceEdit

The leader of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance is known as the Supreme Ruler of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance. Not much is known about him, as his inner circle is actually comprised of 52 distinct circles, each one slightly larger than the one inside of it. This makes him harder to get to than even the likes of Dick Cheney. Recent rumors have surfaced that Hillary Clinton, a.k.a. the Joke is in fact the supreme leader of the Bearipiter Alliance. Use extreme caution, proceed with extreme care if you plan on any interactions with her or any of her campaign team, as they might also be bears in disguise.

Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance Attempts to Conquer EarthEdit

The Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance did sent a representative of their race to Earth, back in 1932. This representative turned out to be Ted Kennedy, and this led to the discovery of the Bearpiter-ite's only weakness. Breathing the rich, freedom loving air of America causes them to undergo some sort of metamorphisized chain reaction which attempts to disrupt their ability to take on human form. The only way to combat this effect is to continuously consume alcohol. As a result, Kennedy's automobile operating ability as well as his decision making skills were reduced to zero. In this condition, Kennedy could not become Ruler of Earth (or, as the title is more popularly known, President of the United States), for America is too smart to vote for a crazy unelectable drunk.

Bearpiter-ites Cannot Be Killed By Conventional WeaponsEdit

The popular theory on why Teddy has not been shot in the melon like all of the other Kennedys is that Bearpiter-ites cannot be killed by conventional weapons. Also, Ted Kennedy's three children, most notably Congressman Patrick M. Kennedy, are half-Bearpiter-ite and must consume alcohol in the same manner as Teddy. Luckily for them that Ted was adopted by the acursed Kennedy family, which means everyone thinks they are Irish, so their excessive drinking seems normal.

Unable to Conquer Earth, the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance Goes On Its Merry WayEdit

Unable to rule the Earth, the Supreme Ruler of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance has called off any plans to change the course of human events on Earth and will keep away from the Earth's Solar System as the interstellar forces of Bearpiter continue to roam the galaxy, conquering everything in its path and eating whatever stars they encounter.

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