|People Who Are in Cults|
The Creation Story
- White people got the north and everything above the equator, because their skin was so fair and the hot sun might give them cancer.
- Black people were put on islands, because they can't swim, thus preventing them from escaping.
- Yellow people were put in China, where they bred like rabbits and overpopulated into the rest of Asia.
- Terrorists were put in the Middle East, close to Bethlehem, because God wanted to keep an eye on them.
And God dispersed the animals, willy-nilly for his (and his creation's) entertainment. Dogs and horses went to America; cats lived in Egypt and Canada; cows in Asia. Freaky animals were put on Australia, which even back then was a penal colony. And animals with exaggerated features, like a long nose, or a fat ass, were put on the *ficticious* island of Africa. Fish were just thrown in the ocean, and the birds flew wherever the hell they wanted.
At the time, God figured all the animals would be cool, but he soon noticed that the bears (being godless killing machines) were eating all the other animals up.
It was then that God sent Ursa to the furthest place from His creatures as possible: the North Pole.
Ursa lived for many years content to eat fish and baby seals, but grew bored and began extending her territory. Soon, she found herself at Santa's Workshop. Before she could kill and eat all the elves, Santa was able to convince Ursa to start wearing human clothes and dancing for the food she wanted. Santa wanted Ursa to live in the guest house during training but Mrs. Claus said bears should live outside with the reindeer. Mrs. Claus wasn't sure why she felt the way she did, but she believed there was something going on between her husband and the young, single, nubile Ursa.
One day Ursa gave birth to twin baby bears. Ursa was as good a mother as a bear could be, and was looking forward to the upcoming Christmas season as Santa had promised to take her cubs on the trip. When Santa returned without Ursa's cubs, she was inconsolable.
This happened a few more times before Ursa became suspiscious.
One Christmas Ursa decided to see what was really happening to her cubs. In a scheme devised by her and a few of the reindeer, Ursa was able to follow Santa and saw him put bows on her cubs and give them to human children as Christmas gifts. Ursa let out a roar causing Santa to look up and see the other sleigh.
The reindeer who pulled Ursa'a sleigh were able to escape only temporarily. Ursa was able to avoid capture altogether, but she never saw Santa again.
The Flood Story
After fleeing the rooftop, Ursa wandered America's Planet blaming every human for what happened between her and Santa. She soon learned that she had been convicted in absentia for her part in the "incident". Believing she was wrongly convicted, but afraid no one would side with a polar bear (she was right) she knew she could never return to the only home she ever knew and vowed to wander America's Planet searching for her cubs and taking revenge on every human she saw.
One afternoon, back in the North Pole, while having tea, Mrs. Claus told Mrs God of her suspicions regarding her husband Santa and the fugitive she-bear. After hearing her good friend's tale of woe, Mrs. God promised to do something to help her friend's marriage.
Mrs. God broached the subject with her husband, hinting at a special "spring cleaning" for America's Planet. Reluctantly God consented, but secretly he plotted to save some of His more voluptuous creatures. One night, while Mrs. God was sleeping, He went down to America's Planet to talk about the impending flood with the human who arranged His special meetings with the ladies, Noah.
God told Noah what Mrs. God wanted to do, and instructed him to build an ark large enough to save certain of His creations from her flood.
Knowing He could neither deny nor fool His wife, God decided he would use the flood as an opportunity to get rid of some His mistakes. He commanded that Noah only allow certain creatures on His Boat: married couples and their voluptuous pre-pubescent children. No gays. No Jews. No Irish. And no fat chicks.
But little did God know, Ursa had joined Noah's stable, and she had used her feminine wiles to become one of his more favorite "girls".
The site where Ursa and her children were released is believed to be the Black Forest in Germany. It is here that Ursa met the Teutonic maiden Goldilocks.
Good and Evil in Bearism
Goldilocks was one of the voluptuous creatures favored by God, but unknown to Mrs. God. She had lived in the forest since birth and due to her extensive knowledge, she was hired by the FBI (Forest Bear Investigators) to protect the people of the forest from Bears.
Despite her voluptuousness, Goldilocks was one hard-ass. Goldilocks' job was to infiltrate suspected bear hideouts and determine if the inhabitants were bears, or bear sympathizers and to dispatch them accordingly. When word got to the FBI that a new bear family had moved into the forest, Goldilocks was sent to investigate.
How people interpret the day when Goldilocks met Ursa is the basis of the "good and evil" polarity in Bearism. A bearist is a "good bear" if he believes that Ursa was set up and was the victim of human "laws". A bearist is considered a "bad bear" if he has doubt in his heart about Ursa's innocence, or if he believes that Goldilocks was well wihtin her rights to search Ursa's cabin without a warrant.
Good bearists believe Goldilocks entered the property without cause. They also claim she devoured all their food and destroyed all their belongings.
Bad bearists (or self-hating bearists) believe that since Ursa and her family were bears, it was inevitable that she would one day attack and kill every human if something wasn't done about them immediately. Bad Bearists also believe that Goldilocks and the FBI had just cause to pre-emptively search any property and seize evidence without warrants if they felt it would prevent bears from venturing from the forest. Bad Bearists felt it was better that the FBI fought bears there, in the forest, so they wouldn't have to fight them in their cities.
The greatest dispute between good bearists and bad bearist is whether Ursa deserved her fate. The one common belief shared by both good and bad Bearists and is depicted in every Bearist Church is the facts of the life of Ursa, called "The 14 Stations of Ursa."
First Station - Ursa is Born
Second Station - Ursa Is Sent to the North Pole
Third Station - Ursa Meets Santa Claus
Fourth Station - Ursa Dances for The Man
Fifth Station - Ursa Loses Her Cubs
Sixth Station - Ursa Forms The Animal Liberation Army
Seventh Station - Ursa Is Convicted in Absentia
Eigth Station - Ursa Plays The Tambourine of Sorrow
Ninth Station - Ursa is Banished From the North Pole
Tenth Station - Ursa Is Saved From The Flood By Noah
Eleventh Station - Ursa is Banished To The Forest
Twelth Station - Ursa Meets Goldilocks
Thirteenth Station - Ursa is Sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Fourteenth Station - Ursa is Raised to The Heavens
There is a modern form of bearism, "Reform Bearism", that believe that God came down to protect Ursa from Goldilocks.
Reform bearists believe that God had discovered that Ursa was on board His Boat and followed her once she set foot on dry land again. He became enamored by her and how she cared for her cubs. Reform Bearists believe that God is the adult male bear depicted in the famous Bearist painting, "Unprovoked Attack" (see image right).
Reform Bearism is the fastest growing cult in world, and is perhaps America's greatest threat. Originating in the same area as most other great threats, central and western Canada, Reform Bearism is quickly spreading east and south amongst small smatterings of misplaced Liberal Elitists.
The Central Doctrine
Reform Bearists believe that God fathered the great Bear Thinkers, Winnie The Pooh, Yogi and Paddington, thus making Bears America's Planet's supreme species. Reform Bearists also believe that human-caused pollution is destroying what they call "their" forest. They also believe that global warming is killing direct descendants of Ursa.
A small faction of the Reform Bearist movement, the Latter-Day Bearists, have stated they believe that God Himself was, in fact, a bear.
Rites and Customs
Reform Bearists have many rites, which they need to compensate for the lack of rights that any sort of sane goverment would allow them. Among these strange rituals is the "Ceremonial Sacrifice of the Picanic Basket". In national parks all across this great country, most noteably Yellowstone (which many Latter-Day Bearists incorrectly call "Jellystone").
In this ritual, the Bearist will distract the humans and when they are not looking, they steal their picanic baskets. It is believed that the red and white checked blankets commonly used by humans to mark their picanic sites is a reminder of the red and white of Santa's suit.
Bearists have many rituals that are violent and result in the stealing of human's lunches. It is believed that Bearists perform these kinds of rituals in revenge for Goldilocks' "Uprovoked Attack" on Ursa's home in The Black Forest.
Latter-Day Bearists flock to feed the savage beasts, despite large and clearly marked signs instructing the contrary. This not only fuels bears in their quest to devour all of us, but also teaches the Godless Killing Machines to act more human, allowing them to infiltrate the human race more easily, earning the trust of the duller humans before brutally dismembering them in a blood orgy, thus continuing the original mission of Ursa.
Another ritual common to Reform Bearists is "The Return to the Ark" where Bearists try to board human's boats in ritual of defiance of Ursa's removal from Noah's Ark (God's Boat).
Once in the "Ark", the Bearists perform the second part of the ritual avenging the "Uprovoked Attack", stealing all the food on the boat, then breaking whatever they can't eat.
In last part of the ritual, the Bearists leave huge steaming piles of "pooh".
California's Official Religion
Bearism is the official state religion in California. Reform Bearists constitute a slight majority in the state because they are allied with Gay Bears, but most observers feel in their guts that traditional Bearists have stronger militias.
Lesser Characters in Bearism
- Winnie, The Pooh
- ↑ God feared that if these animals procreated, their populations would triple in very short periods of time and they needed lots of room to do their procreating.
- ↑ When she first came to The North Pole, the only dance Ursa knew was "The Dance of the Seven Veils", so Santa also taught her to do the lambada. Santa also taught Ursa to ride a bicycle, a unicycle and play the tambourine.
- ↑ On the North Pole, Christmas is also "Take Your Kids to Work Day".
- ↑ Santa told Ursa the cubs had fallen out of the sleigh, but later, under sworn testimony, Vixen and Blitzen testified that Santa gave the cubs away as gifts.
- ↑ Bears are stupid after all.
- ↑ Vixen and Blitzen were convicted as drivers of the trailer sleigh and leaders of the anti-Christmas plot, with little-known, Adolf, Strom, Mao and Vladimir as accomplice-deer.
- ↑ The reindeer involved in the "incident" were captured and charged with inciting a "War On Christmas. They were indicted by a grand jury and tried and convicted in the case of "The People of the North Pole vs. Animal Liberation Army" 7 NP 3-8 (16 B.C.). This landmark case turned out to be the opening salvo in the War On Christmas.
- ↑ The ladies met at Vassar, where they competed for the same boys. Helga Claus was jealous that Sista Nature (she didn't become "Mother" until after her marriage to God) was dating the more desirable God. She always resented that she wound up with the fat red-head, Kris.
- ↑ God was always looking at the female humans, and Mrs. God was getting a little jealous.
- ↑ Even God knew not to fool around with His wife, Mother Nature.
- ↑ Some believe the reason that Noah gave the unwed mother Ursa and her cubs (Hillary,Arianna,Russ and Obama) onto God's Boat was because he may have been their father. The animals who fought the inclusion of Ursa on the boat were the monkey couple, Stephen and Melinda. Ursa never forgave Stephen and Melinda and it is believed their betrayal of her was how the War on Monkeys started. Stephen and Melinda are believed to be the ancestors of the truthiness monkeys.
- ↑ Being the godless killing machine that she is, Ursa had eaten all the unicorns and centaurs. And fed the dodo birds to her unholy brood.
- ↑ The most famous quote attributed to Goldilocks, "Ich bin kranke dieser Mutterficken bären in diesem Mutterficken wald!" became the motto of the German equivalent to the Girl Scouts, "das MädchenBärMörder".
- ↑ The Latter-Day Bearists believe that Ursa had lived in modern-day America not in the Europe during the age of Noah and the dinosaurs. For the Latter-Day Bearists, "Jellystone" is believed to be the spot where Ursa left God's Boat.
- ↑ The first Bearist believed to perform "The Return to the Ark" ritual was a militant "Teddy Bear" named Winnie, who walked around without pants. Winnie added "The Leaving of the Steaming Pile" to the Ursa-related rites, thus earning him the esteemed title of "Pooh".