Baseball is the greatest sport ever conceived by man, which of course was in turn conceived by God, making baseball the holiest form of competition. The sport involves bags, balls, bags of balls, gloves, bats, hats, dirt, and usually some grass. The object of the game is to win by outsmarting your opponents or through sheer force of will.
Origin & HistoryEdit
Baseball was first played in America in the 1800's by settlers on the frontier. They had run out of ammunition for their rifles and were attacked by a soulless group of wild Bears seeking a blood-thirsty revenge for their loss at the Battle of the Ass-less Chaps earlier that year. The settlers used wooden bats to defeat the horde of Godless killing machines and gain their independence from Canada. After defeating the bears, the surviving settlers gathered around and invented baseball. And had the best summer of there lives and played it all the time. they got in run downs and got picked off. people say it is the sport of america but FOOTBALL IS. i dont care what people say.
Different Skill LevelsEdit
- Little League
- High School
- Minor Leagues
- Major Leagues (see main article: World Series)
Baseball In UnAmerican PlacesEdit
How To PlayEdit
Baseball has a lot of rules and requires a lifetime of dedication and law school education and some politics to play effectively.
The Field Of PlayEdit
Bags, balls, mounds, and players are randomly strewed about the pitch, or field. It is the offensive team's goal to steal as many of these items as possible, then run home. The defense is to protect these items by throwing the offensive players out.
Defense: Each team fields 9 players at a time. At least eight must sport masculine mustaches.
Offense: The offensive team "bats" one man at a time based on the size of their mustache. The first batter's mustache is usually very quick, as is the second's. Typically, the player with the best mustache bats third, followed by the most powerful mustache in the four-spot. A similarly powerful mustache bats fifth. The sixth through eighth spots in the batting order are generally held by young rookies whose mustaches have not had time to mature. The pitcher, whose mustache is weakest, bats ninth, though it should be noted that pitchers generally make up for weak mustaches by having superbly long or short hair, and or thick-rimmed glasses.
What's With All The "Coaches"?Edit
Manager: manages all of the coaches Hitting Coach, Bench Coach, First Base Coach, Third Base Coach, Pitching Coach, Special Assistant to the Manager, and Bullpen coach all wait until half-way through a losing season when any one of them may replace the manager who is inevitably fired.
The greatest baseball player of all time is Mr. Met. Although Mr. Met has never actually played a game he remains the Most Patriotic Player ever as indicted by his giant Ball head. There is no doubt this mascot has large balls.
- allowing Negroes to play
- girls & the invention of softball
- Washington Nationals - a team that sucks thanks to the liberal Jews that run all sports.
- Houston Astros - no problems here.
- Texas Rangers - true men in uniform
- Boston Red Sox- the tubbies who are the worst team in the history of any sport
- Chicago Cubs - difficult to root for a loser
- Pittsburgh Pirates - A real American team feels the need to share it's resources with less fortunate teams such as the Yankees
- The Giants harbor the world's most evil, vile, cheating, ugly, communist player, Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds is romantically involved with Andy Dick and is a known bear sympathizer.
- Chicago Cubs the greatest team over the last three-hundred years.
- The Cleveland Injuns, who are racists.