Barry Bonds

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We've got spirit, YES WE DO!!
We've got spirit, how 'bout
Barry Bonds!?!

"Barry Bonds"
is for the kids!

Barry Bonds
Is NOT a cheater
And never cheated before.

Barry Bonds: the living bobblehead.

Barry Bonds is a controversial baseball player and "pharmaceutical connoisseur." He is also the black friend of California Governor and body-pumper-upper Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Bonds is currently tied for the Baseball record of "Most Massive Cranium" with David Ortiz and Oprah.

Home Run ControversyEdit

In recent years Bonds has taken a lot of heat for his alleged drug use, and the effect it might have had on his sudden transformation from a skinny average player into a baseball hulk giant legend.

But such criticism takes away from the trials Bonds has had to overcome. That he has excelled even through a mysterious medical condition which caused his skull and muscles to swell up like a nubile woman spiked with a thimble of Formula 401 is inspiring. He is without doubt a true American hero.

Natural Biological ChangesEdit


Baseball card from Barry Bonds' rookie year illustrates his earlier, smaller stature.

In the past few years, Bonds has been undergoing a dramatic metamorphosis that cannot be explained by any form of steroid use. He has been slowly transforming into The Incredible Hulk. Upon completion of this change, Bonds will incase himself in a cacoon, and, after six months, Bonds will transform into a giant butterfly. The Bonds-erfly will be a suitable mate for Mothra.


  • Bonds' hat size is 90 and growing.
  • He swings a maple bat. In fact, he swings the whole maple tree at the plate.
  • Bonds' best friend is a giant blue ox named Babe.
  • Bonds weighed 85 pounds when he won his first MVP in 1990. Weighed 475 when he won MVP in 2004.
  • Bonds graduated with honors from the FU School of Media Relations, where he studied under Professor Dick Cheney.
  • He has a record 83 monster rampage helicopter pursuits under his huge baseball helmet.
  • Bonds is marryied along with 86754379754 other men to Britney Spears

See AlsoEdit

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