The Very First BagelEdit
An ancient Semite trader was hiding his golden coins from highway bandits in his bread when he realized that the resulting holed bread was, in fact, delicious. He immediately topped it with the sesame seeds, salmon, and cream cheese he was trading, and thus the tradition was born.
How Bagels Are MadeEdit
A roll is made and the Jewish run liberal media pokes holes in it with smear campaigns. This is why Jews often eat bagels with "schmear", which while referring to the common toppings of the bagel is also an homage to these campaigns.
The History of the BagelEdit
The Bagel was passed down through generations, each family with its own method of roll-poking, until 1776, when the birth of America caused everyone on the planet so deliriously happy that all recipes for baked goods were forgotten. No bagels were made until 1876, when all people began to get their wits about them after basking in the glory of God's land for 100 years. At this time a historian looking for Jesus' relatives found the delectable recipe for this Semite classic and attempted to make some bagels himself. Upon further review, he found that he could not produce the prophesized bagels. He decided to share his tale with the media, and doing so, he happened upon a lot of Jews. The Jews nodded at the young historian knowingly and told him the secret of the cult of the bagel, a secret known today by only the manufacturers of bagels. The young historian was Thomas Edison, and later in his life he would declare the rediscovery of the bagel to be his greatest accomplishment.
The Bagel's Current ProjectsEdit
The Bagel is currently starring on Broadway in the Vagina Monologues in what some claim to be a startling case of misidentity. Also, the bagel is big in Montreal, as the constant medical bills for all the impaling and biting have made the bagel very poor, and it has opted for some Canadian style socialized medicine. The bagel's recent custody battle with donut has landed bagel in the tabloids recently. It apologizes for what it said about the gays and is currently in rehab.
- poppy seed
- cinnamon raisin
- pizza (In the morning/evening/dinnertime, heck with pizza on a bagel, you could have pizza anytime!)
- Woody Allen movies
The toppings of the bagel will tell you about the Jew who is eating it. Please use the chart below for assistance.
|If the Bagel topping is...||...It means the Jew eating it is...|
| Smoked Salmon|
(which Jews for unknown reasons call 'lox')
|uber-liberal, extra Jewy Jew|
|Cream Cheese||rich off one's ass|
|Butter||Non-Jews who have been convinced by the Jew media to eat bagels|
- Thomas', pick a side, delicious or Jewy, we're at war.