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Two thousand years ago the Baby Jesus led George W. Bush and the Founding Fathers to victory over the British Empire and the forces of Gayislamofacism and Bears.
Today this victory, which marked a turning point in history, is celebrated by reenacting the battle in which the Baby Jesus threw down his hair so the Three Wise men could climb up the Tower of Babel to spin the dreidel to see if there was going to be six more weeks of winter.
Baby Jesus is Jesus before he is not a baby anymore. It makes him cry when people do stupid stuff, such as masturbate and question Stephen Colbert (He has also been known to kill kittens as the result of such transgressions). He also does not like Russ Lieber. His favorite solo music artist is Peter Gabriel, and his favorite band is Peter, Paul and Mary. His jesus powers had not yet developed untill he became not a baby and shed his blackness in favour of a more prudent White.
Don't Mock, Me, G*ddamnit!Edit
Jesus is the Son of God and shouldn't be mocked with stupid internet jokes by people that have no life. He died for my sins, yours, all the unborn fetii, the soon to be born fetii, the fetii yet to be conceived--EVERYONE!--and wants to have a relationship with everyone on earth. A relationship like you and your best friend that are good friends. He would never want to hurt anyone and if you want to accept God into your life just pray and say:
"I believe in my heart and confess with my Mouth that Jesus did die and rise on the third day."
(If you prayed this you are going to heaven and you have a new start no matter what anyone else says you are now saved( born again). All things have been made new so go get into a church that you understand, tithe them 15% of your income, pray to God in the name of Jesus and sin no more!*)
- He poops golden twinkies.
- Son of God; known as the son of Joseph in his time. Probably one of the greatest gifts God ever put on the Earth, second only to Baby George W. Bush.
- Nothing is known about his teenage years, so do not expect a Wikiality about it. Unless it is put up by Colbert himself; in which case it is 100% true.
- Baby Jesus is a member of the NRA
- The preferred god of Ricky Bobby. Ricky's wife and her father, however, prefer the Bearded Jesus.
- Enjoys lookin' at his Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors.
- Sleeps in a ghost manger.
- Favorite movies are The Thomas Crown Affair, and Passion of the Christ 2: Nazarene Boogaloo
- Favourite songs were "Right Next Door To Hell" by Guns N' Roses, Tenacious D's "Jesus Ranch", and Pat Benatar's "We Belong".
- Does not sleep, keeps a watchful eye on America's Planet
- Rumoured to have been conceived by a special hybrid of the Holy Spirit (a very potent and freethinking sperm), and Stephen Colbert's Formula 401
- Occasionally he can be seen having a race with the world's fastest Menorah on Conan O'Brien.
Adult Life Edit
See Also Edit
- Greatest things
- Virgin Mary
- Mother Nature
- Things that make the Baby Jesus happy
- Things that make the Baby Jesus sad