Australia or to give it its proper title The Commonwealth of Australia is a big island known by Stephen Colbert as 'the Land Down-Under'. Its intelagint citizens believe it to be the coolest country, while the dum ones will believe anything. It would be better than America, if America could detach Canada and Mexico in exchange for making the Mud-West inhospitable to all life. Instead of Native Americans it has Aborigines and Kangaroos.
The Arse-End of The Internets Edit
The entire country is blocked from viewing full episodes of The Colbert Report on the TCR website because Foxtel, the owner of broadcast rights in Australia, does not believe in truthiness. However, some Aussies who are not drunk have found a way to beat the georestriction, much to the dismay of Viascum, the tight-arsed distributors of TCR.
Yet even so, Australian's ARE able to watch The Colbert Report on T.V and via colbertnation.com so pretty much the above infomation is useless since Aussies are smart enough to watch The Colbert Report and get drunk and studies have shown, this increases you maximum understanding of Truthiness.
The Town of MelbourneEdit
Is completely unnecessary.
What do you get when you isolate a bunch of British criminals and refugees from around the world? An Australian.
Besides the odour that has accumulated over time from such "devolution", this 'Brotherhood of the Butt' has developed many similarities such as to gather around a concrete hole in the ground often known as a skate-park, where skaters will pull awesome stunts. Those at the skate-park often suffer from alcohol abuse, learning disability, and generally achieve low standards of being 'human,' but are more recognisably human than Kentuckians.
Berry residents are greatly representative of the butt-baby population. It is noted in some cultural texts of the region that God was planning to make the region Hell, but got a laugh out of it and just left the hole. Subsequently, neighboring regions are glad Berry is confined to this 'hole'. The UN as of Dec 2006 is reconsidering the implementation of Internment Camps and even Nuclear Destruction, stating those who aren't local deserve to be punished.
As it is The liberal Jew-run media has infiltrated tourist information centers and labeled it a tourist destination. Talks have been occurring since April 2007 in the Kiama municipality for the creation of a zoo, no animals needed.
The sperm shortageEdit
Due to their constant state of inebriation, and a desire to have nothing to do with their illegitate children, Australian men have been keeping their sperm to themselves. Fortunately this crisis was resolved when Stephen Colbert began exporting his premium man seed to the undergestating nation.
Native Flora and FaunaEdit
However, Australia faces a threat from Koala bears no less severe than the threat faced here in America from ursines. Koalas may appear to be cute and cuddly but they are vicious killers who are out to destroy Western Civilization. As many Australians will eagerly inform you, koalas are not actually true bears, but are in fact godless, poisonous reptiles hell-bent on mayhem, destruction and the compulsory implementation of conservative political legislation.
Other interesting examples of interesting Australian wildlife:
- The platypus and the echidna - the only mammals in the world that know how to lay eggs. The eggs seem to like it.
- The emu - was originally just known as the 'mu' before it went online.
- The numbat - is actually a flightless mammal and not really a bat at all, but it is fully numb.
- The wombat - same deal as the numbat. Except for the numb part.
- The drop bear - leaps from trees onto the heads of unsuspecting tourists, save those with Vegemite daubed behind their ears
Australians also eat Vegemite and meat pies because they are better than apple pie. Australia was actually created when the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland sent all their prisoners to Australia and left them there with only a bottle of beer. After years and years the radiation of Australia mixed with the beer bottles that were left on the floor created the Australia that we know and love today. The radiation in Australia is extremely low as Australian do not use Nuclear Power. And the vitamins in the beers and Vegemite of Australia cause them to stay alive (meaning that all Australians are really superhumans. But the side effects of the beer cause slurred words, funny accents, and eventually the invention of intelligent words (such as "crikey"). But in recent years, the numbers in people affected with those side effects have dropped quite a bit so now it'll be rare to see a sterotypical Australian by the year 2012 and the race of the idiotic Australian should end by 2020. A miricale.
Despite the nightmarish proliferation of beers, ales, bitters, draughts and lagers, Australians are also noted for their proclivity to drink what they refer to as Goon from out of a silver bag inside a cardboard box. Goon is made from grapes that would otherwise have been turned into wine. Australias national beer has been Victoria Bitter since 1995, but America still thinks we drink Fosters, which hasn't been made since 1994.
The national pastime is Cricket, the most sophisticated sport in the world which requires patience and skill. The national Sport is Australian Football, unlike the weak Americans who need helmets and shoulder pads, Australians need protective equipment because they are tough and can take a punch; along with being forced to by their overly protective "health and safety regulations" they are forced to live with.
Women are known as Sheilas and men are known as blokes in Australia. Australia is also the only country in the world to eat the two animals shown on its National Crest. Australian farmers are a good breed, not humping sheep like their New Zealand counterparts.
The Cane Toad Edit
The cane toad is possibly the worst thing to ever happen to Australia, it is a monstrosity, that kills and devours all that it sees, presently there are more cane toads in Australia than there are Australians, my suggestion is to just have an annual holiday where every citizen must kill 37 toads in that day, with a shotgun, and pour poison into the water in which they breed. The cane toad is a threat to the Australian people, and deserve to be individually crucified.
The cane toad does have one benefit for Australians though, they serve as a useful stand in when the locals forget to bring their golf balls to practice, or when they feel like seeing how well their lawn mowers funtion as meat grinders.
Government, Such As It IsEdit
Token Article: Government of Australia
Australia loves a good fight and has supported America in every freedom and democracy spreading war since World War I.
Australia is a member of the C.O.W. But since Australians have found out they have brains they have elected a Prime Minister who will drag out all combat troops in June 2008.
- Cannabis, known locally as "mull"
- The worlds best cricketers, rugby players, swimmers and farming produce.
- Movie Stars, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger (dec)
- Charles Firth - makes fun of Americans
- Kylie Minogue
- Skin Cancer.
- Russell Crowe, 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts lead singer, bellboy-head-phone-throw champion, Oceania devision
- Steve Irwin, forgiven posthumously for baby-dangling
- George Lazenby, voted greatest Bond by Stephen Colbert, first greatest Lazenby by L-Surnames and Espionage Magazine
- Olivia Newton-John, ghost-writer of all AC/DC songs since 1979
- Dr. Peter Singer, originator of the 12-month-post-birth abortion procedure
- Keith Urban, pioneer of marriage-insta-rehab
- Shane Warne, inventor of 'sexting'
- Chas Licciardello, Secret Muslim member of The Chaser team
- Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo, Australian ripoff of Lassie, The Real American dog and vocal opponent of Brazilian waxing
Australians mix up lots of words to confuse Americans, here is a sampling (for the full list, please click here.)
|English Phrase||Say it in Australian!|
|The Australian Broadcasting Corporation||"Channel 2", "Aunty"|
|a man||a "bloke"|
|a woman||a "sheila"|
|a friend||a "mate"|
|an American||"yank, septic, seppo or wanker"|
|Campfire tea kettle||"billy" (not to be confused with water-filtered marijuana smoking apparatus of same name)|
|Football (Soccer)||Pussy sport|
- New South Wales
- Northern Territory
- South Australia
- Western Australia
- The Chaser's War on Everything
- Australia supports Death Panels
- Real Australians helping to hunt down terrorists
- Australia's new show "Black Face" is a hit!
- Real Australian welcomes foreigners
- Australia fails to stop foreign invasion of children
- Australia elects Real Australian
- Australia to hit Iceberg and sink!
- Australia declares War on Japan. Gundams seeing Burning Sidney
- Crazy Octopus invades Australia
- Real Australians to fight Libural Series of Tubes
- Australia Gets free pr0n!
- Australia finds Elastic Boy!
- Australia finally to censor The Internets
- Japanese invading force arrives to Australia: Demands whale meat
- Our Chinese Masters (?) would like to buy Australia
- Australia ends Anarchy: New Overlords to take over
- Austalia's Skools under the control of deranged students!
- Places that even Australians dont want to be
- Awesomest place to visit: disaster tourism
- Australia defeats fureign disease, still no sign of that they will ever develop a boner pill
- Australia's war against sexual deviants
- Australia: Liberal Hell