According to a Colbert Report Special Report on the crumbelievability of contemporary American culture, cable television is destroying The American Family by offering too many choices in television viewing options. No longer does the family have to gather around the TV to enjoy the same shows together. For example, we all remember where we were when Kennedy was shot, but no one shoots Kennedy anymore.
With a separate channel for each family member, just what is Mommy watching on Lifetime, anyway, and why does she suddenly suspects that Daddy is having an affair? With Daddy watching so many shows about Nazis on The History Channel, should we be surprised when he starts thinking about invading Poland? Billy is almost draft age, but he's been seduced by Logo, the Gay and Lesbian Network. And Sally spends all her time up in her room watching BET - which is fine, of course, except that she'd better turn that off right now and go walk the dog.
But wait! Even Lt. Barkers has his own channel: Animal Planet, where he's been learning how to take down a zebra. Oh no, Sally, watch out!
Are you happy cable? She's dead.