Alexander Vinokourov

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Alexander Vinokourov
is Very Manly™.
Hello, Kitty
Hello, Alexander Vinokourov
Asian and very good at math.

Alexander Vinokourov is a cyclist from the country of Kazakhstan. Born September 13, 1973, Vinokourov is reaching the end of his cycling career. During his Career, Vinokourov has won several prestigious single day and stage races, and stood on the podium in Paris in 2003, placing third in that year's edition of the Tour de France.

The Tour de FranceEdit

2006 saw his Tour aspirations dashed by a doping scandal that enveloped most of his team, Liberty Seguros. After the fall of his team, he formed a new team, Astana.

This year, Vinokourov was considered the favorite for the Tour, but an early wreck looks to have spoiled his yellow jersey intentions. However, though down, he is not out. On the flat stage 11, he showed why he is worthy of Colbert's Big Brass Balls award, by having his team attack on a flat stage, splitting the field. The main victim of this split was French's hope, Chrisophe Moreau, who lost over 3 minutes on the day. Moreau had attacked Vinokourov in the Alpine stages, taking advantage of the wounded Kazakh. Payback is a bitch, Frenchie.

The Bionic ManEdit

Vinokourov, or Sasha, as his friends call him, has titanium blades in his shins and femurs that were surgically implanted as part of a Soviet military experiment in the 1980s. They are connected to his emotional centers, and when he gets angry, or sad, or frightened, or mad, he triggers them and then attacks.

Other SportsEdit

Vinokourov, or Vino, as people who aren't his friends call him, can survive on sheep fat and sage brush for up to three weeks, though he can only do two or three days without water.

Vinokourov, or VEEN-awk-ah-rav, as people who can't pronounce his name call him, can out think most nuclear physicists with his lightning mind. He can sense which check out line at the Perpignan Lidl will be quickest, and sometimes stands in the slow line so that his teammates can take part in the fast retail glory of a discount German grocery store.

Vinokourov, who is also Jewish, has a Master's Degree in cold-weather dentistry, but chose to forego pursuing his career in order to win the Tour de France. Most of Kazakhstan has cavities they are waiting for him to fill.

Vinokourov won a silver medal in skeet shooting at the Seoul Olympics. He would have won gold, but he was docked for shooting the skeet operator for throwing the clay pigeons too slowly.

Vinokourov once got caught behind the peloton in a race, but dragged himself back to the front by attaching his bullwhip to the undercarriage of the Nestle Quik® promotional vehicle and sliding on the road surface, kind of like Indiana Jones.


When Vinokourov pauses for a nature break during a stage, French pilgrims clamor to be sprayed by his liquid waste. When he craps they mostly leave him alone.

Possible COntroversyEdit

Alex's team has pulled out due to one of the members having tested positive for a banned substance.[1]

No word yet as to whether Alex will stay with the team.

Cultural Learnings of
Alexander Vinokourov
for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

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