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Abraham Lincoln (February 5, 1809 - April 15, 1865) was the 16th President of the United States of America. Abraham Lincoln is best known for his leadership during the Civil War and for issuing decrees that ended slavery in many slave-holding states which would lay the foundation for the eventual abolition of slavery with the passage of the 14th Amendment. Abraham Lincoln frequently ranks high on many scholarly lists as one of the greatest presidents in United States founders of the Bear Hunters of America.

Abraham Lincoln/Featured
is Lincolnish

And you're not.

Early Life

Abraham Lincoln was born in a one room log cabin in Kentucky in the year 1809. Which when you really think about it, isn't that much of a surprise ... it WAS 1809 Kentucky! 1809 Kentucky was not the inbred, butt-raping, banjo-playing kind of place full of Democrats depicted in the film Deliverance, but was actually a haven for gutless and godless bears. The young Lincoln would spend a good portion of his early childhood wrestling with these beasts, until his family moved to Illinois; little did Lincoln know that his hatred of bears would ultimately lead to his demise.


Abraham Lincoln's cabin penthouse.

In Illinois, Abraham Lincoln finished is formal education. Even though the term truthiness would not exist for nearly 200 more years, until it was coined on October 17, 2005 by Dr. Stephen Colbert, Lincoln was one of the earliest champions of truthiness. Abraham Lincoln was self-educated and was not concerned with facts pushed by liberal factonistas from back East; no, Abraham Lincoln trusted his gut, and by doing so he taught himself everything he needed to know.

Bear Hunting

Dead bear
Abraham Lincoln/Featured
is a member of the Bear Hunters of America.
Be Scared, Bears.

Abraham Lincoln eventually ran for public office as a Whig and was elected to the US House of Representatives from Illinois in 1847. He served just one term before returning to Illinois when hoardes of wild bears began to threaten his family farm in late 1849. Once back in Illinois, Abraham Lincoln launched a withering assault upon these brutes and was successful in eradicating nearly all of the bears from Illinois, while simultaneously learning law and building a successful legal career.

Legal Career

Abraham Lincoln built a thriving law practice in Illinois from the late 1840s until the late 1850s when he again began to have aspirations for political office. He was a brilliant orator and he managed to successfully argue many legal cases. He was one of the first to successfully use judicial notice and he successfully shielded marriage in Illinois, beating back a liberal attempt to make gay marriage legal. Lincoln's legal prowess resulted in the Illinois Supreme Court ruling that marriage is between one man and one woman, or one man and two women, or on rare occasions, between one man and three women, but explicitly made it illegal for gay men to marry, but it was okay for lesbians to marry as long as there was only one man in the middle.

Rise of the Republican Party and the Election of 1860

Because of Abraham Lincoln's anti-slavery views and gifted tongue, he was held in high regard by the Republican Party. He eventually won the party's nomination for President, and would go on to win a bitterly contested election for President of the United States.

Lincoln's election to this nation's highest office so rattled the South that before Lincoln even took the oath of office, several Southern states seceded from the Union. Like our current President, Lincoln found himself entering political office on the brink of war.

American Civil War

As Lincoln took office, the seeds of the American Civil War were sown and Lincoln was in office for only a few weeks before Confederate troops attacked Fort Sumter and sparked a bitter war which would threaten the nation.

Initially the Union, led by Abraham Lincoln, lost many battles. However, Lincoln was a brilliant man, with big brass balls, and he eventually developed a strategy that would lead the Union to victory, without having to rely upon any wacky concepts like an exit strategy.

90px-Gateway Arch

Lincoln's right testicle was used to create the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.

Lincoln used his gut to form a strategy that changed the war from a war to preserve the Union, to a war to end slavery. In 1862, Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, which essentially ended slavery in the Confederate States of America. Lincoln's decision to issue the proclamation was a strategic victory as it kept British drunkards and French surrender monkeys from entering the war as allies of the Confederates. The proclamation also was designed to damage the South's economy.

By 1863, the Confederates were in real trouble. Union troops had won important battles at Gettysburg and Vicksburg. With renewed vigor, Abraham Lincoln won re-election in 1864.

End of War and Death

General Lee finally surrendered to General Grant on April 9, 1865, thus ending the American Civil War. Victorious, Lincoln was relieved and started making plans to rebuild the former states of the Confederacy. On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to see a play at Ford's Theater.

Lincoln took his seat in the Presidential suite and upon opening up the Play Bill discovered that the play he was about to watch was Rent, the overtly gay play about homosexuals in New York. Lincoln was embarrassed and angry, but out of respect chose to stay until he could safely extricate himself during the intermission. However, just shortly after the play began, Lincoln was shot in the back of the head by a liberal bear lover named John Wilkes Booth. Booth managed to escape, but was later hunted down and turned into a throw rug. Lincoln was carried out of the theater to a nearby home where he died of his injuries on April 15, 1865. Or did he!?!?

Something To Think About

  • Lincoln was one of the earliest adopters of truthiness.
  • If Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would watch the Colbert Report.
  • Like Lincoln, Dr. Stephen Colbert will be remembered as one of the most influential Americans.
  • Abraham Lincoln suspended Habeus Corpus and imprisoned nearly 18,000 people without charges and without trial during the American Civil War. Clearly our Greatest President has learned something from the first Republican President.

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