A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!

12,416pages on
this wiki




A Colbert Christmas is a hard-hitting, truthy attack on everything that is wrong with America. (Jews, anything other than nutmeg, etc.) It features many famous people, like some people and Stephen Colbert, therefore making it true.


  • Axe Detailer Shower Tool
    • buff your jingle bells!


Stephen Prepares To Go To The Taping Of His Christmas SpecialEdit

  • Broadcasting legend, Stephen Colbert sits at the piano singing a song he's working on,
Jingle man, Christmas Boy...
  • he's so excited he's sporting a Yule Log
  • tape special in New York City
    • carolers
    • elves
    • and a recently hobbled Tiny Tim
    • goats dressed as reindeer
  • Elvis Costello is his guest
    • his real name is "Declan Patrick Pippy Go Merry Buttons"
    • older male Avril Lavigne
      • instead of skateboarding, Elvis sings about people dying in shipyards
  • Stephen is writing new Christmas carols
    • when someone else gets the royalty checks, it doesn't sound like Christmas to Stephen
  • Stephen sings (It's) Another Christmas Song
  • Stephen opens the door on his way to New York, but there's a bear on the other side trapping him in his cabin!

Toby Keith Visits Stephen's Cabin, Wherein They Discuss The War On ChristmasEdit

  • Stephen frets about not being able to leave the cabin
  • Santa delivers Stephen's gifts to the studio
    • Christmas won't come for Stephen
  • calls Elvis Costello to tell him what's happening
  • There's a knock on the door
  • Stephen asks whoever it is to say something a bear wouldn't say
    • the person on the other side of the door says "I hate honey"
  • Toby Keith says he's out hunting deer for Christmas presents
  • Toby Keith sees popcorn on the table and begins stringing them
  • Stephen roasts chestnuts in the fireplace
    • the smell reminds Keith of Christmas
  • the two lament how businesses are forgetting Christmas
    • Stephen mentions how in San Francisco it's legal to marry your Christmas Tree
  • Toby Keith sings There's A War On Christmas
  • As Toby Keith walks out, Stephen notices they are both under the mistletoe, which really wasn't so awkward
  • Stephen waves goodbye to him and angry birds chase him back inside the cabin with their threatening "chirping"

Willie Nelson Appears In A Vision And Relates His Heightened Awareness During This Time Of YearEdit

  • Stephen uses night-vision goggles to look for the bear through his window, but can't see a damn thing
    • he puts sunglasses on to try and it still doesn't work
  • Stephen asks The Baby Jesus in the Nativity Scene atop his piano
  • he realizes there are four wise men, one of them begins to talk to him and it's ...
    • Willie Nelson!
      • Willie's so high, Stephen is hallucinating
  • Willie sings Let Not Mankind Bogart Love
  • Stephen tells Willie that his wonder weed might not be a good gift for a child
  • Willie says he has no gold
  • Stephen reminds him that he has 26 gold records
  • Wilie asks The Baby Jesus if he can get his weed back
  • Elvis Costello can be heard shouting in the background
    • he's been on hold!
  • he just rehearsed The Nutcracker with The Jonas Brothers
    • the mice were not mice, they were goats in mice ears
  • Elvis has to save the Jonas Brothers who have fallen through the ice

Back In The CabinEdit

  • a policeman arrests Willie Nelson
    • he tells the cop it's not his; he's holding it for the donkey

A Strange Man Who Believes Strange Things Visits Stephen's CabinEdit

Stephen searches the fridge for something to rub on his body to throw the bear off his scent

  • blueberry syrup
  • salmon

Stephen's Jewish Friend let's himself in the backdoor

  • he claims there are no bears outside

Stewart breaks the news about The Jonas Brothers

  • they fell through the ice and will be missed

without Christmas, there's nothing to calm Stephen down after Halloween

  • Stewart claims there are other holidays
  • Stephen recites the ones he knows about:
    • Christmas
    • Christmas Eve
    • America's Christmas

Stephen's Jewish Friend sings Can I Interest You In Hanukkah?

  • after singing, they find themselves under the mistletoe, Stephen explains normal people's tradition of kissing when found under the mistletoe
    • Stewart explains the Jewish tradition when people find themselves under the mistletoe

A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!

brought to you by the Axe Detailer Shower Tool: buff your jingle bells!

John Legend & An Angel Who Looks Like Feist, But Isn't, Visit Stephen To Help Him Understand The True Meaning Of ChristmasEdit

  • Stephen hopes for a gimmel as he spins the dreidl
  • there's a knock at the back door
    • Stephen grabs his light saber
  • John Legend disintegrates it with his Jedi powers
    • he's a forest ranger
      • R&B stands for "roots & berries"
  • Legend unmutes the fire
  • he offers Legend a cup of Egg Nog
    • there's enough rum in it to blind a pirate
  • but it doesn't have any nutmeg in it
    • no nutmeg is like serving a turkey without a duck and a chicken inside
    • nutmeg gives Egg Nog it's "mmm" and "hey"
  • Stephen proclaims that he's never heard a song about a spice before
    • Legend reminds Stephen that Tony Bennett did a whole duets album with a can of oregano
  • Legend leaves to find a meg so he can nut it!
    • as he does, he angrily tells Stephen he doesn't understand Christmas at all!
  • Stephen prays to his Father in Heaven and asks him to show him the way
    • he is put on hold
      • the on-hold music is performed by Feist singing Please Be Patient (An Angel Will Be With Thee Shortly)
  • God sends an angel who looks very much like indy folk darling Feist, who swears she isn't
  • Stephen notices they are under the mistletoe
    • he attempts to kiss her
    • she makes it disappear
  • she asks Stephen to stop asking for his most heartfelt prayer: an oreo with a cookie in the middle
  • Stephen asks her not to sprinkle dust on him as he still has a contact high from his encounter with Willie Nelson earlier
    • Feist grants Stephen's wish for a Christmas special anyway by making Elvis Costello appear outside his window
  • the bear attacks Elvis and Stephen asks the "Angel" to do something
    • she cannot as she has no power over bears; they're godless killing machines
  • Stephen can hear Elvis on the phone, telling him to fight off the bear
    • puts him on hold to take another call
      • asking if he wants weekend delivery of the New York Times
    • he goes back to Elvis (cut to commercial)

Stephen Meets A Bear, Kisses The Bear, The Bear Tries To Kill Him, Santa Saves Stephen And Everyone Lives Merry Christmasly Ever AfterEdit

  • Stephen is lying down with tinsel on his face
    • Elvis got himself eaten by a bear
  • Stephen is saddened by Elvis' death, then sings (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding
  • a bear walks through his backdoor and accompanies him in the song (sounding remarkably like Elvis Costello)
    • Toby Keith joins from the forest
    • Feist joins from the sky
    • Willie joins from outside the nativity scene
    • John Legend joins from the forest
  • everyone sings together in front of the Nativity
  • Stephen realizes that it's the time of year when two sworn enemies can put aside their differences and live in peace
  • Stephen sees that he and the bear are under the mistletoe
    • they kiss
  • Stephen realizes how delicious he is moments before the bear begins chasing his delicious self around the cabin
  • Santa appears in the fireplace to fight off the bear
    • Elvis comes out of the bear
  • Santa gives Stephen a DVD of the Christmas Special they're in right now!
  • Elvis Costello is so excited at the prospect that whatever he says will be on the DVD he shouts out a common British exclamation:
"Plum pudding Christmas crackers, David Bowie is a woman!"

Elvis Helps Stephen Write A Christmas CaroleEdit

  • Stephen straightens out the bear that is now a rug on the floor of his cabin
  • every time a bell falls an angel gets its balls
  • Elvis joins Stephen in song with Much Worse Things To Believe In
  • Elvis figures out the rhyme Stephen was stuck on at the beginning of the show!

Hero ReviewsEdit

It freaking rocks.


The soundtrack was truthful for a Grammy Award in 2010 as "Best Comedy Album".

Available For PurchaseEdit


Around Wikia's network

Random Wiki