A review by the staff at Wikiality.com
Director Zack Snyder obviously had a message behind his remake of the totally gay movie, The 300 Spartans - but it's not clear what that message could be. Other than the obvious cultural benefit of bringing the black leather speedo back into mainstream heterosexual male culture, the movie seems to miss the boat on so many levels. What is clear is that Snyder made the right choice by casting the definitely not gay Stephen Colbert in the leading role. But what was he thinking when he cast George W. Bush as the leader of an oppressive superpower? Thankfully, the Greatest President Ever was able to stretch to make his character somewhat believable. Snyder's message is revealed in out of place phrases like "Freedom isn't free at all" (it's a $1.05), and "Never retreat, never surrender" (OK, he got that one from Galaxy Quest).
The story takes place in
Thermopoly Thermonopoly Thermopylae Sparta in 480 BC (or BCE if you're an anti-Christian politically correct liberal atheist). The Spartans are a barbaric people who kill babies and let down their loin cloths at the drop of a helmet. They seem to enjoy sword-play as much as they enjoy sodomy.
King Truthonidas (Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.) learns of an impending attack by Berserxes, the king of an oppressive evil empire (George W. Bush), and does not have the support of the senate. Berserxes is in league with Thedick, the corrupt leader of the senate (Dick Cheney), and the Epwhores (representing the liberal news media) who corrupt the warnings of the oracle girl (Ann Coulter). Truthonidas, although heavily outnumbered, must try to hold off the oppressor. The brave Truthonidas takes 300 men to meet the evil Berserxes at a narrow pass
called Thermopley where numbers mean nothing (and neither does spelling). After the spilling of a lot of computer-generated blood, and launching attacks of giant elephants, giant rinos, giant retards, and other weapons of mass destruction, Berserxes finally defeats the 300 but apparently can't take over Sparta because the Spartan Queen got tired of taking it in the ass by the Thedick. The Queen grows some lady balls and they all live happily ever after.
Director Snyder's already ambiguous "message" may have become even more muddled by his casting decisions, given the roles and themes that these well-known performers are supposed to represent in this cryptic allegory. The film is saved by the fact that most of the accomplished actors who comprise 300's cast manage to handle roles that are completely out of character for them. In fact, these casting choices might even be meant to act as a kind of Brechtian alienation device, asking the film's viewers to think critically about the so-called "message" Snyder is attempting to put forth.
If this was the intended motive, then we, the reviewing staff of Wikiality.com, feel Snyder failed in his goals. We feel the casting choices work more to give the entire film a somewhat surreal quality. To better see this, consider Snyder's choices for each of the following roles:
- Truthonidas: Brilliantly played by Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. But why cast Colbert opposite George W. Bush? Doesn't make sense. On a more positive note, we believe an Oscar may be forthcoming.
- Queen Charlene: Soledad O'Brien is lovely and compelling as the Queen of Sparta who is willing to bend over backwards for her country's freedom. We believe that Snyder intends for Queen Charlene to represent the American people. While we support his choice of O'Brien as Lady America's collective representative, we wonder where in his warped mind he got the idea that America could get reamed by Thedick?
- King Berserxes: A great job of acting by George W. Bush, who had to dig deep to make this role of the leader of an oppressive superpower his own. Great Actor, or the Greatest Actor?
- Thedick: Dick Cheney. Another great stretch in acting. Cheney portrays the corrupt leader of the senate who betrays not only the senate and his country, but sticks it to Queen Charlene as well.
- Oracle Girl: Ann Coulter. Coulter really convinces as a drugged-up, blathering idiot who is the only one who understands what she's saying.
- Epiglottis: Robert Novak turns in a great performance as the deformed miscreant traitor - and without make-up.
- The Immorals: Democratic congress
- Epwhore #1: Judas Russert
- Epwhore #2: Keith Olbermann
- Epwhore #3: Glenn Beck
The staff of Wikiality.com recommends this movie to anyone who believes truthiness can stand up to an oppressive society (actually, more people than this have seen this movie already). For those smuggling children into this R-Rated movie, know that your kids will enjoy every minute of the blood and gore and the seemingly endless and very graphic slaughter and torture of humans, sub-humans and animals alike, but be sure to cover their eyes during the sex scenes (we think we saw a nipple in there somewhere).
- "Sparta? No. This is madness" by Greece Historian Ephraim Lytle --Academia ruins our fun again