"2007 Resolutions"
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Please reveal the truthy resolutions for your favorite people.

In the year 2007, I (fill in the blank) resolve to...

  • never again...
  • do a better job of...
  • learn to...

from The Colbert ReportEdit

Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.Edit

I resolve to work even harder to nail everyone on this planet! stephenskyfriend-22:03 Jan 1 2007

I will allow George Bush to be more like me, God.

Tyrone HunnibiEdit

I hypothetically resolve to enter a hypothetical rehab clinic to deal with my hypothetical meth addiction, and/or look for the April release of The Rear-Turn of the Fling, the third and final installment in my Lord of the Cock Rings trilogy. --thisniss 04:57, 2 January 2007 (UTC)


I will persuade Stephen Colbert to give me health insurance. If necessary, I will place a moratorium on wrestling in loose clothing. Maybe. If asking nicely doesn't work. Tinnedheat 09:02, 2 January 2007 (UTC)


I resolve to be more accepting of Stephen Colbert's advances.--Skitchonthedrums 21:47, 1 January 2007 (UTC)

Great AmericansEdit

George W. BushEdit

I resolve to find out what sectarian violence is. Oh, and to continue the search for that one terrorist, Barack Obama. --Whytokay 05:24, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

I resolve to be more like the great Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

My promise is a resolve to interrupt the broadcast of "Oprah's Most Important: A Very Special Hamstraveganza" with a pointless policy speech. Because America is a democracy. And I'm the boss of it. --thisniss 18:56, 6 January 2007 (UTC)

Donald RumsfeldEdit

I resolve to quit smoking... Iraq. --Davidj 07:11, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Condoleezza RiceEdit

I resolve to learn a new, more difficult piano piece (one that isn't Brahms) to play at state events. Because frankly, this business about Stephen Colbert being better than I am is just embarassing. - Tinnedheat 07:14, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

I resolve to close that hideous gap between my front teeth.

I vow to be the first black woman sent into outer space... against my will.

Godly AmericansEdit


I resolve to quit getting nailed. --Davidj 07:12, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

The Baby JesusEdit

I resolve to quit making poopy in my pants.

Ted HaggardEdit

I resolve to keep not having gay sex and keep not smoking meth with gay prostitutes. --Whytokay 05:12, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

Reverend Sun Myung MoonEdit

Goku chang dow ching dong Jesus roves youah!--Chief Reefer 21:12, 5 January 2007 (UTC)

Tom CruiseEdit

I resolve to wear slippers when I jump on Oprah's couch from now on. --Kudzu 10:25, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

I resolve to renounce Scientology and bow down to the one true God: Stephen Colbert.


I resolve to invite the world's 50 Most Important People over to my house for an elegant dinner and dance party, and to later turn footage from this celebration of our shared greatness into a top-rated TV event called "Oprah's Most Important: A Very Special Hamstraveganza." --thisniss 18:56, 6 January 2007 (UTC)

Liberal Commie HomosexualsEdit

Al FrankenEdit

I've already made too many empty daily resolutions as Stuart Smalley. --Davidj 07:16, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Russ LieberEdit

I resolve to spend less time sitting around watching my Mr. Show dvd collection. I will instead resolve to spend that time helping gay baby orphaned seals find a loving home and making organic fertilizer out of my own fecal matter to help feed the hungry. If there is any time left I will make another appearance on the Report, and I resolve here and now that I will, some day some how, NAIL Stephen Colbert!--Chief Reefer 21:09, 5 January 2007 (UTC)

Cindy SheehanEdit

I resolve to adopt a new son and get over the old one. --Kudzu 07:34, 6 January 2007 (UTC)

Michael MooreEdit

I resolve to finally have an obesity-induced heart attack to prove that America is suffering from an obesity crisis. --Kudzu 10:25, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

I resolve to finish this bag of Cheeto's.

Hillary ClintonEdit

I resolve to get a sex change so I can truly become the first woman president --Tbaughm 18:59, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

Barack ObamaEdit

I resolve to get painted white just like Michael Jackson. --Kudzu 10:25, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

Mahmoud AhmadinejadEdit

I will try to do a better job of saying what I really feel, rather than always keeping my true thoughts held in check just so others (especially President Bush and the American people) will like me. --thisniss 13:19, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

I will stop wearing that ugly beige jacket to every public function I attend. - Tinnedheat 07:07, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

The Baby SatanEdit

I resolve to place more of my poopy in the Baby Jesus's pants.--Skitchonthedrums 03:30, 5 January 2007 (UTC)

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