Xenu

From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia

The Baby Satan has a special place in hell for
Xenu
and YOU just for visiting this internets tube!

FILE PHOTO: Lord Xenu appears to be imbibing thetans, which seem to be made from a combination of malt liquor and some unidentifiable, smokable weed.

Xenu is the $cientologist version of Satan. Only instead of living at the center of the Earth, Xenu lives somewhere in outer space, where he works part time as a Ming the Merciless impersonator. Recently, Xenu is fighting against Colbert over the naming of the NASA new space module. To that end, Xenu has sent his messenger Pedobear to rally Anonymous to vote "Xenu" on NASA's tube.

Got beat like a red headed step child

[edit] College Life

drank too much

Lots of nastey things

[edit] Career

Xenu was a very successful ruler of the galactic federation some 75 million years ago, but he had inherited a massive problem: overpopulation. Using the evil tools of psychiatry he brought in millions of aliens for income tax audits where they were injected with a mixture of alcohol and glycol, paralyzing them for the journey to come.

The aliens were stuffed into boxes and loaded onto DC 8 space planes, which are exactly like DC 8 airplanes except that they have rockets. The space planes flew the aliens to Teegeeack (Earth) where they were loaded around volcanoes. Atomic Bombs were used to cause the volcanoes to erupt, murdering the millions of aliens (and incidentally all life on earth at the time, whoopsie!) but Xenu wasn't done yet. You see, the alien souls or thetans were very powerful beings capable of altering matter, energy, space and time. A little thing like "losing their meat body" wasn't going to stop them from extracting their bloody revenge.

Lord Xenu's buddies in psychiatry had a plan, though. Xenu captured the souls of the aliens on magnetic tape and forced them to endure days of brainwashing via specialized 3-D motion pictures. Confused from their ordeal and no longer aware of their abilities or even identity, the thetans wandered off and to this day cling onto any body they see, causing untold hardships to their hosts.

And that's why Tom Cruise is crazy

[edit] Things Xenu loves

Douglas DC-8 airliners
Psychiatry
Ming the Merciless (President of the Trans-Galactic Ming the Merciless Fan Club)
Volcanos
Wikip*dia
pornography
the internets
bears
His internet savvy army of basement dwellers
Hot chicks with sweet boobs