Wizard

From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia

"Wizard"
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Wizard
makes The Baby Jesus sad.
Does your mother know you read these filthy liberal myths?

A Wizard is a powerful person who uses magic to do the Devil's work. Although the liberal media may try to convince you that wizards are creatures of "fiction," or that they "only use their powers for the benefit of mankind," you should not listen to these lies. Wizards are evil, through and through.

There are several different types of wizards, each deriving from a different cultish origin. Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A. has spent many years devoted to the study of Wizardology, and has uncovered some startling truths relating to the different practices of various "schools" of Wizardry. Preliminary results of his investigations indicate that three primary types of wizards and wizard aspirants currently dwell among the rest of us God-fearing Americans.

Because wizards can be very wily, often disguising themselves as regular people in order to pass amongst us unknown, the following descriptions are provided as a public service for the Wikiality.com community. If you think that someone you know may be a wizard, please do not take any chances. Report them to your local Law Enforcement Agency, or directly to Homeland Security immediately. If you are unable to access an officer of the law, protect yourself against the wizard by encircling the evil-doer in a ring of fire until help arrives.

Gandalf the Gray uses his Wizard powers to battle a Balrog in the Mines of Moria.

[edit] Schools of Wizardry

As revealed through the painstaking research of Dr. Stephen Colbert, the following schools of Wizardry have now been confirmed to have practicing members at large in the world today. By "practicing members," we mean everything from "guys who live in their moms' basements and fantasize about a life they could never have" to "individuals of nearly super-human power and intelligence." Most contemporary wizards trend toward the basement-dwelling end of the spectrum, however. However, there have been reports that wizards are venturing beyond their own schools and into America's schools. The schools of wizardry below are presented in order of their relative power, from weakest to strongest wizarding skills.

[edit] Gay Wizards

Prototypic practitioners:

[edit] Hogwarts Wizards

Prototypic Practitioner: Harry Potter

[edit] Dungeons & Dragons Wizards

Prototypic Practitioners:

[edit] Lord of the Rings Wizards

Prototypic Practitioner: Gandalf

[edit] Science Wizards

Prototypic Practitioners:

[edit] Grand Wizards

Prototypic Practitioners:

[edit] Double Secret Background Probation Wizards

Prototypic Practitioners:

[edit] The History of Wizardry

The history of wizardry traces back almost 6000 years, when worshipers of the idol Baal lit fires and said incantations in hopes of circumventing the will of the God of Abraham. They were in for one hell of a rude awakening, let me tell you, when those incensed flames rose up and devoured them at the behest of God's own prophets and priests. Prophets and priests of the Old Testament also often lit fires and said incantantions, but their desire was to please the Lord God and to do act as his servants on the Earth, so they were not like wizards in any way. Religion and magic are very, very different undertakings. Just ask God, and he will speak the truth into your heart and mind to show you the ways in which religion and magic differ. With God as your guide, you will be able to perform miraculous feats that mere wizards can only dream about! Eat it, wizards!! Religion #1!