Windsor, Ontario
From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia
 Windsor, Ontario | |
| Mayor: | Eddie Francis |
|---|---|
| City Motto: | add stuff here |
| Nickname: | Rose City |
| Theme Song: | add stuff here |
| Population: | 209,000 |
| Standard MPH: | 135 mph |
| Principal industries: | Automotive Production/Male Needs |
| Fun Fact # 1: | Canadian Club Whiskey/Wiezers is made in Windsor |
| Fun Fact # 2: | For Sale to the highest American bidder. |
One of the places helped by Bill Gates, because it is one of the worst places in North America, seriously.
Windsor, Ontario is the gateway to hell and is single handedly responsible for the "Global Warming Crisis." Windsorites like to say they're Canadian while the rest of Canada likes to pretend they're American. They in fact would rather consider themelves American. Is it Zee or Zed!?
There is nothing interesting about Windsor. Windsor is awful and boring. Windsor has 400 bars and lots of legal hookers and strippers that do the FULL MONTY and would make a geat home base for any biker gang. Also to be noted are the many "rub-n-tugs" in the downtown area. Those who come to Windsor are looking to get drunk, contract syphilis, smoke a doobie, and go broke in the monstrously tacky giant white Caesars Windsor casino (no smoking in the facilities).
Thanks to the automotive industry and whatever Detroiters do on ZUG ISLAND, Windsor has one of the highest highest cancer rates - per capita - in all of North America.
It smells like the inside of a dead liberal hooker's mouth and has more Middle Eastern people per capita than any city in Canada. It also borders Detroit. Coincidence?
Windsor, Ontario is home to many liberals and Union workers, and has one of the highest unemployment rates in Ontario! It is slowly disappearing into a black hole, and also being invaded by beavers.
Contents |
[edit] Windsor History
 | WARNING: this section contains too many facts! Please truthify this section before the whole system gets clogged up! |
Prior to European exploration and settlement, the Windsor area was inhabited by the First Nations - those people we used to call injuns. After agreeing to be killed in exchange for their land, the natives were pleased when Windsor was first settled in 1749 as a French agricultural settlement, making it the oldest continually inhabited settlement in Canada west of Montreal. The oldest "bawdy house" currently sits next to the old sandwich city hall. The area was first named Petite Côte (Little Coast), and later became known as La Côte de Misère (Poverty Coast) because of the sandy soils near LaSalle and proximity to Detroit. Windsor's French heritage is reflected in many French street names, such as Ouellette, Pelissier, Francois, Pierre, Langlois, Marentette and Lauzon. It is important not to pronounce these with a french accent as the locals will identify you as faggy and weird. For example "Pierre" street is pronounced peerie; hotel dieux (the hospital you will be sent for speaking with faggy french accent) is pronounced hotel dew. There is a significant French speaking minority in Windsor and the surrounding areas, though Windsor officially does not recognize them as being Windsorites due to their continued usage of the french language, education beyond grade 10, and continued employment. Many of them are in the Lakeshore, Tecumseh and LaSalle areas which refuse to become part of Windsor as they have money and don't want to be "middle easternized." The current street system of Windsor (grid with elongated blocks) may reflect the French method of agricultural land division where the farms were long and narrow, fronting along the river. This system, "the seigneural" was employed throughout quebec and though there were no seigneurs (dominating land owners of diseased peseants) which allowed Windsorites to evolve into modern day diseased, formerly unionized (now unemployed) peasants.
François Duff Beer-Baby House
In 1794, after the American Revolution, the settlement of Sandwich was founded. It was later incorporated into part of Windsor, named after the British Royal Family who conquered the area after the British army accidentally wandered by. The Sandwich neighbourhood on Windsor's west side is home to some of the oldest buildings in the city including Mackenzie Hall, originally built as the Essex County courthouse in 1855. Today, this building functions as a community centre where homosexuals often gather in the washrooms for five dollar blowjobs. The oldest building in the city is the Duff Beer-Baby House built in 1792. It is owned by Ontario Heritage Trust and houses a museum that is used to torture local children through boredom and teachers attempt to have sex with the tour guides dressed in 18th century garb and who give excellent rusty trombones in the washrooms. The François Baby House was built in 1812 and houses Windsor's Community Museum, dedicated to it's local history where François Duff "Beer" Baby would brew his own beer, get intoxicated, and eat local anglophone children. The various barbecue sauces he preferred are still on display in his former house.
During the War of 1812, British troops with Chief Tecumseh took Detroit. Realizing what they had done, they negotiated peace on the condition Detroit would return to American hands. Great Britain took Fort Erie Ontario as compensation, history has laughed at the Americans for taking back Detroit since.
The City of Windsor was the site of the creatively named Battle of Windsor during the Upper Canada Rebellion in 1837, and was also a part of the Patriot War, later that year.
Windsor was established as a village in 1854 (the same year the village was connected to the rest of Canada, by the Grand Trunk Railway/Canadian National Railway), then a town in 1858, and ultimately gained city status in 1892.
It was the first city in Canada to have electric street cars. Contrary to critics who argued "they wouldn't last a week" in Windsor, the street cars served Windsor for over 20 days before being destroyed in the electric street car drivers strike of 1900.
[edit] Windsor Today
Not much is happening in Windsor today, except for the theft of a couple hundred shopping carts by a couple hundred low-life welfare people. And except for countless unemployed people sending out fake resumes to non-existent companies so they can maintain their unemployment benefits. The fastest growing industry is American vomit cleanup.
City council will bicker at one another and make a decision that will enact a mandate that they no longer have to make decisions. This is already the normal operating procedure for City Council, but they may as well put it on paper. As of late they have taken to bickering less, they have replaced their behaviour with absolute silence. Windsor City Council will be hiding under coats until the year 2012 when it is expected their problems will be solved.
The streets will be full of drunk 19 year old Americans/Windsorites who can't hold their booze to save their lives. They will drink all day, all night, and fill the main strip with vomit and anything else that they can un-digest from their alcohol soaked stomachs. This process is repeated daily, all year. This is one of the reasons Windsor has its famous smell. This is often contributed to by the vast number of shawarma selling shops that are actually fronts for terrorist bike theft schemes.
Every night the denizens of Detroit trailer parks and go to bars on the same street in Windsor. Naturally, the East side of Detroit goes to 411 (formerly Don Cherry's please fact check this, my brain is giving me this answer but my gut says no) while the West side goes next door. At 2 am, they perform their nightly ritual of gangsta drive byes, though Windsor is making concerted efforts to stifle the problem. Windsor has currently been gangsta kill free for over 20 days.
Windsor is also being overtaken by low-life Harley riders who have removed their factory installed mufflers and replaced them with straight pipes. They should all go straight to hell, luckily however all of them are in their 50's and 60's and a lifetime of breathing Windsor air means they will soon be dead from Cancer. They noisily motor about Windsor with their feet stuck out and up on silly little footpegs with 50 year old women riding on the back. Fights between old whores crabs and biker lice are common and is the 16th largest cause of death in Windsor.
Despite being flat broke, Windsorites continue to suit up their cars and down bud at admirable rates. They are content being a highway for the guns, weed, crack, and heroine coming from Detroit up the 401 bound for Toronto as sometimes some gets distributed to the locals out of pity. The dollar may be replaced with crack tied to the value of pure cocaine.
[edit] Popular Ethnic Neighborhoods In Windsor
More than 20% of Winsdor's population if made up of people who were born overseas. Windsor's Little Italy district is very popular. It is called Erie Street and has many fancy restaurants and coffee houses. If you aren't Italian you must not venture into this territory or you will be ostracized and maybe even glared at because the mob will not tolerate your presence.
Also there is a very large middle eastern population in Windsor. They extend to anywhere in the city that the transit system offers its services. They are all cab drivers. A sector of them even erected a billboard that had pictures of five Hezbollah leaders on it. They said that while they did not support Hezbollah, their relatives were fighting over in their home countries and they were supporting THEM. The Canadian government has condemned Hezbollah but in Canada foreigners can do whatever they please without fear of recrimination. Canadians love being walked all over by smelly foreign immigrants who hate Canadian customs, language, religion, and laws.
Parks in the Forest Glade section of Windsor are often see large concentrations of Pakistanian people sitting in large circles, presumably planning to blow up the Forest Glad Tennis Courts and Optimist Park, diamond 3.
[edit] Windsor Landmarks
The giant eyesore Caesars Windsor is a travel destination for many portly, buffet loving, cigaret-smoking types, from Canada and the U.S. (Fortunately for casino workers smoking is no longer permitted in Caesars.) They can be seen seated at the slot machines, their plastic tubs of casino tokens clutched in their sweaty little fists, and double layers of pudge descending towards the floor over their stools - like mutant muffin tops.
Also the riverfront of Windsor is lovely thanks to Windsor Parks and Recreation. It overlooks the skyline of downtown Detroit as well as the hideous turquoise-painted Ambassador Bridge. At least when it was sort-of black it hid most of the rust making you feel comfortable crossing it.
There are also the many mansions lining the riverside extending well beyond Windsor's borders, left over from the 'rum running' days of prohibition. They are a fine example of the entrepreneurial spirit that is still alive to this day.
Also local landmarks that should be considered are local city roads, that haven't been repaired since the streetcars once shared the roadways. The bridges can't be ignored either, the ones that haven't been closed due to neglect anyway.
[edit] Famous People From Windsor
Famous NHL players from Windsor include:
Aaron Ward, Bob Boughner, Sean Burke (who also hit his wife),former alcoholic and New Jersey Devil Ken Daneyko, Andy Delmore, Tie Domi, John Ferguson SR (Windsor refuses to acknowledge the presence of John Ferguson Jr.) Dan Jancevski, Ed Jovanovski, Tim Kerr, Steve Moore (at Walkerville higschool he was teased for his skinny neck), cokehead and popular drunk Bob Probert, Wonderfully moustached Joel Quenneville, Jimmy Skinner, John Tucker, and famous pot activisit Kyle Wellwood.
Entertainment:
- Garth Hudson, organist and keyboardist for Canadian rock n roll group The Band.
- Jeff Burrows, drummer of The Tea Party
- Stuart Chatwood, bass player of The Tea Party/composer Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
- Colm Feore, actor
- Jeff Martin, former guitarist and lead vocalist of The Tea Party
- Terry Pickford, award-winning Hollywood producer/editor
- Oliver Platt, television and film actor
- AND THE FABULOUS Shania Twain, singer.[1]
The Arts:
- Doug Brode, writer
- Bob Butterfield, writer, radio personality
- Frank Papak, nature photographer
[edit] A Typical Day In Windsor
A typical day in Windsor for the Union worker involves dragging your rear end out of bed (shift work is rough at $32 an hour plus benefits) because your muscles have atrophied from gross underuse. You then drive into work after going through the Tim Horton's drive thru for your extra large triple triple.
On the way into work you meet fellow union workers dragging their feet lazily up the walk as if to the execution block. You punch in, find your spot on the line and push a button or pull seat covers on for eight hours, all the while whining about the cancer you've contracted from asbestos exposure and how you haven't received a raise in three years because the company cares more about cuts than its workers.
If you aren't a union worker, you probably were one and have lost your job because of cut backs. You are now on unemployment because you can't find a job that pays anything more than minimum wage because you started working in a factory straight out of highschool and have no education so you cannot even work at a gas station where a college certificate is mandatory.
You spend your day sleeping, drinking and smoking and when you bother to get up or answer your phone you complain about the union and about a fair wage and all the hard work you used to do and how "this town in going down like Flint, Michigan."
[edit] Strange Laws in Windsor
- You are not allowed to play a musical instrument in a park in Windsor.
- Windsor seems to be the only place in Ontario where woman commonly take advantage of the right to go topless, God bless them.
none of this is true.
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