Wigfield (town)

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Hey, where the hell is
Wigfield (town)???
I don't care all that matters is that it's AMERICAN...hey nice ass, lady!

One of Wigfield's current Mayors, Burchal Saywer. Former drifter, self-made junkyard owner and Mayor.

Fleet Hollinger, Wigfield's Mayor (one of) and owner of many of Wigfield's finer business establishments, including the Mack Donald's, several auto parts shops and morgues, and most of the high end strip joints. The man to see in Wigfield.

Another Mayor, Charles Halstead. Former lawyer who came to town to prove that a local plant was retarding its employees by staying in the plant himself. Lost case. Became resident of Wigfield, putative Mayor, fudge devotee.

Wigfield's most prominent Police Chief and arsonist, Hoyt Gein. Mayor Charles Halstead's "handler."

High Priestess Thea, lesbian witchess who practices Wicca. Formerly Hollinger's wife.

Wigfield's artiste, Julian Child, shown here at The Bunny Shack theatre.

Wigfield, U.S.A. is a small American town like so many small towns in the heart of America. Wigfield is (un)known primarily for its many strip clubs, used auto parts dealers, and toxic waste run-off ditches. While some, like Represenative Bill Farber and The State, may wish to disparage Wigfield by claiming that it is not legally so much a "town" as an "unincorporated illegal settlement on the dry bed of a former river and current illegal toxic dumping site," those people know nothing about the hopes and dreams and heart and spirit that really make up the small town hopes, dreams, hearts, and spirit of America. And just what is a "town," anyway?

In Wigfield, the answers may not lie in its "official legal status," nor in its apparent lack of public infrastructure like proper sewage, schools, etc., nor in its roughshod architecture thrown together from bits of plywood and aluminum sheeting. No, Wigfield is its people, and its many fine business establishments, and its people who mean business.

[edit] Wigfield At a Glance

• Nickname: "Proposed Super Fund Site 554"

• Description: Wigfield has been described as a 400 foot stretch of pavement ("Main Street"), snuggled between two scenically brush-covered chemical-waste run-off ditches, nestled in the shadow of three-story-high smoking slag-piles, dwarfed by the majestic architectural lunacy of the Alfonse T. Bulkwater Memorial Dam.

• Population: The population of Wigfield is unknown, due in part to the tireless work of the "Wigfield Maniac" (or "-acs," as the case may be). Fleet Hollinger is currently working on a plan to maybe keep some dental records for easier identification of bodies in the future.

• Local Government: Current Mayors are Fleet Hollinger, Burchal Sawyer, and Charles Halstead.

• Local Law Enforcement: Police Cheif Chief Hoyt Gien Gein, and numerous less important others.

• Local Industry: Strip Clubs, Pornographers, Junkyards, Used Auto Parts, Morgues, Nude Car Wash, and Nude Used Auto Parts. Prominent local businesses include Fleet Hollinger's Auto Parts, Sawyer's Used Auto Parts Headquarters and Graveyard Emporium, The Rigid Squirrel (Lenare Degroat's taxidermy shop), Tit Time Show Palace, the Twat Shop, The Bacon Strip, the Topless Car Wash, the Topless Ten-Minute Oil Change, the All-Nude Fix-a-Flat, Abra-Cadavre's Morgue and Gentlement's Club (formerly Croak-Us Poke-Us), and the Library of Cumgress.

• Local Architecture: Very little in the way of permanent habitable dwelling. One might almost think that these people had moved into the area to "pretend" they were a town, hoping to cash in on the impending destruction of the dam by way of Eminent Domain reimbursement claims.

• Local Culture: Provided by longtime bachelor/actor Julian Childs. This year, his theatre season includes Velveteen Rabbit (with real rabbits), and Children of a Lesser God (also with real rabbits).

• Local Paper: The Wigfield Sporadic, edited by Emmett Chisholm.

• Local Cuisine: Mack Donald's (any similarity to national chain of similar name coincidental, so get off Fleet's back with your lawsuits, you-know-who), truck stops, Udell & Eleanor Grimmett's refrigerator.

• Local Celebrities: May Ella Padgett, Oldest Person in Town (roughly 48); Dottie Fore, Most Elderly (late 40's); Amythys, Wicca Witch Priestess and Assistant/Lover to High Priestess Thea

• Climate: Ground temperature in winter always a constant 78 degrees. In summer ground temperature may reach as high as 140. Air temperature varies.

• Fun Fact # 1: Wigfield stands poised on the edge of destruction, threatened by the government's efforts to tear down the Alfonse T. Bulkwater Memorial Dam, haunted by the the knowledge that the only thing standing between the town and the destruction of which this sentence spoke earlier is said dam of which this sentence also earlier said spoke.

• Fun Fact # 2: More men died in the building of the Bulkwater Dam than at the Battle of Shiloh.

• Fun Fact # 3: Writer Russell Hokes wrote what may have been the best book - EVER! about Wigfield, Wigfield: The Can-Do Town That Just May Not.

[edit] Wigfield in the Media

Given that the planned destruction of the Bulkwater Dam poses an imminent threat to the town of Wigfield, and given State Representative Bill Farber's claims that "Wigfield" is not technically even a "town" in the "legal" sense (thereby nullifying and voiding all claims to Eminent Domain compensation), the residents of Wigfield have taken their case to the court of public opinion. By which they mean, none of that fancy judge-and-jury crap, but YOU, fellow Americans. The people of Wigfield need your help! You can help them save their "town" (or at least, help them get their "town" recognized as a legal entity before it gets flooded, so they can get some of them federal dollars).

How can you help, you ask? Well I'm glad that you asked that. You can learn more about the plight of Wigfield by reading the best-selling journalist exposé written by Russell Hokes, that exposés the plight of Wigfield. It's called Wigfield: The Can-Do Town That Just May Not, and it just may be the best book - EVER! - written about Wigfield (see Fun Fact #3, above). For those illiterate readers among you, this link will also provide you with the opportunity to read more about obtainting an audiophonic copies of Wigfield: The Can-Do Town That Just May Not.