A protracted conflict waged against the evil forces of drugs, the unimaginatively titled War on Drugs is a never-ending black hole into which vast amounts of money and blood flow. Much like the War on Terror.
But in late 2005 Stephen Colbert revealed a shocking fact to the unsuspecting world: the War on Drugs is fictional! Disgust and scorn swept through the Colbert Nation, until we all discovered the reason for this blatant act of untruthiness.
What exactly is the War on Drugs? Edit
The "War" is a means of combating several enemies of America.
- It pins back the rabid throngs of the liberal agenda, who are all hopped up on marijuana and cocaine. Honestly, what else could trigger their psychotic beliefs?!
- It helps combat terrorists, who fund their actions by selling drugs back to America. Are you satisfied Willie "Al Quada" Nelson?!
- It is a way for Presidents to "clean" dirty money. Obviously, Republican Presidents, such as The Greatest President Ever, only use such money for noble aims, like "finding" much needed evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Sadly, Democrat Presidents immediately re-soil their money on various disgusting things.
Who is the "enemy" in the War on Drugs Edit
What can I do to help America in this War? Edit
Send your money, and your drugs, to any of the following individuals. Send it all. Especially the drugs!
- The Greatest President Ever (he won't use them, honest. He just wants to look at them.)
- Jenna and Barbara Bush (same as above.)
- Dick Cheney (the drugs help strengthen both his heart and his trigger finger.)
- Rush Limbaugh (the OxyContin and hydrocodone don't work any more. Don't allow his hearing to return. Like Beethoven he needs total silence to find clarity.)
- The War on Drugs is also sometimes called the Narcopalypse. In this guise it also attacks people who involuntarily fall asleep. Watch out Jimmy Kimmel!
- War on Drugs is the Best War Ever!
- The War on Drugs is not cheap, which is why we devised a money making machine to pay itself!
- The War on Drugs is funded by the free market.