Vatican City: A city and independent principality within the confines of Rome, Italy that contains the world's most notorious pornography museums.
Most of the collections of pornographic paintings and writings in Vatican City are hidden away in private vaults and are viewable only by Catholic priests, but even the public spaces in the city are covered with foul pictures of naked or nearly-naked men, women, boys, and girls.
This nasty place is the World Headquarters of the Catholic Church.
It's all part of a big publicity campaign, and it's mostly been working, especially because Stephen Colbert is, himself, ten thousand points of light illuminating other Catholics on the true path to Jesus.
It also helps that most American bishops have stopped talking about things like "poverty" (which doesn't exist under the Great Bush Economic Miracle) and "justice" (which is just a word cut-and-runners use to whine about Pre Nine-Eleven stuff like Habeus Corpus). Most of the bishops have also learned from great teachers like Pat Robertson,
Ted Haggard, and Dr. James Dobson about the danger of gay marriage to the American Way of Life. The bishops now mostly support Marriage Protection Amendments.
But what would Americans feel about this outfit if they really knew about the place where the orders come from? Fortunately for The Vatican, Real Americans don't go to foreigner places like Rome. And it's a good thing, because any decent, blessed American would be shocked to gaze upon this appalling collection of smut.
While he's wandering around the place surrounded by all this raunchy naked flesh, maybe the Pope should put a band on his wrist with the initials WWRAF. It could remind him to ask himself, "What Would Real Americans Feel?"
If he did that, he might just get wise and pick up a bucket of white wash and order in a few jack hammers to clean things up around the place.
World's largest smut collectionEdit
But the nastiness doesn't stop with the loathsome pictures and statues on public display. There's even more hidden from view. In fact, The Vatican holds the largest collection of erotica and pornography in the world. You can look it up.
It's not just pictures and statues. It's been reported that they have massive library shelves full of nothing but nasty porno stories. And they're not innocent romance novels, but really degrading stuff like what Jim Webb wrote.
Most of it is supposed so disgusting and perverted that only priests are allowed to see it and only after they sign up on a very long waiting list.
Back when the Vatican had a real army and not just a bunch of Swiss pacifists in funny hats, they used to go on wars just to get more of the nasty stuff that they didn't already have in their collections.
They like to say that all of this stuff is something they call "sacred art" and try to convince us that it's just one of their odd pathways to accepting Jesus Christ as their Personal Lord and Savior.
But does Jerry Falwell fill Liberty University with pictures of naked man-flesh and naked boy-flesh along with smatterings of naked woman- and girl-flesh? No! Neither does
Pastor Ted Haggard or Dr. James Dobson or Rev Pat Robertson. Does Stephen Colbert have naked statues in his studio? No! Even his hundreds of Emmys are draped in flowing robes.
The bishops and cardinals at The Vatican try to say it's all OK because all that stuff is really old. It reflects pre-7/4/76 thinking. But still, they keep it around and do not warn the children who are invited to look at the stuff.
Respect with cautionEdit
Clearly, the Catholic Church in the US deserves respect because Stephen Colbert was raised in its bosom as one with and part of the Mystical Body of Christ. (Genuflect. Genuflect. Strike breast.) Clearly.
But we should also remember that most Catholics voted for Democrats in 2006. That should cause Real Americans to take pronouncements coming from this hell-hole called "The Vatican" with a healthy dose of skepticism.
Attack on "satire"Edit
Pope Benedict's Vatican showed more signs of hope and faithiness in late 2006 when they attacked a form of sick humor called "satire." Apparently, Italy is full of so-called "comedians" who make things up about the Pope and the Vatican. One of these supposed funny men has made up a little "skit" on his TV show that shows an hysterical pope throwing burning candles to the "dear children" in Vatican Square.
This is ridiculous. Benedict never throws burning candles to the children. He throws lit sparklers.
But the Vatican has taken an important step in attacking these people who lie to make little "jokes."
US Churches have already learned from this important Papal initiative. Several church bulletins in the US have pointed out that there are "comedians" like this even here in America. One of them is apparently called John Stewart. He appears on a cable channel that is automatically blocked by churchiness-approved V-Chip guides. Bulletins report that he, like those Italians, makes things up in order to mock Real Americans.
It's a situation that Americans must watch out for. Our children are in danger if this situation continues to spread from foreigner places to Our Great Land. Yet, through all of this though it is still the one true church of God. Amen.