War On Christmas

From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia

Attention All Americans™!
It's time to join War On Christmas
on the right side of The War On Christmas!!!

War On Christmas
gives aid and comfort to America's enemies. As A True American™,
it is your duty to report War On Christmas to the authorities.

War on Christmas Colbert describes the Left's War on Christmas
Date:	2005
Place:	USA
Result:	conflict ongoing
Our Side:	Christmas, God, Toby Keith
Our Commander	Papa Bear, Stephen Colbert, Jesus Christ, Superman
Our Strength	Red States
Their Side	Left Wing, Hippies, Commies, Homos, Hobos, Grizzly Bears
Their Commander	Gestalt Left hive-mind, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, Skeletor
Their Strength	Blue States and inter-religious seasons greetings.
Casualties	Christmas marketing slogans, Oregon

The War On Christmas is a well organized liberal attack on the American institution of Christmas. It was begun in 2005 by the Liberal media and many large corporations, who frequently eschewed the word 'Christmas' in their coverage and advertisements. One retailer, Target Stores, went so far as to describe sales on 'Holiday Trees' and 'Holiday Lights'. This is in spite of having Tube Socks at bargain prices.

[edit] Background

As Americans, it is our sacred duty each Christmas to buy cheap crap for relatives who we find to be annoying. This is what our Lord has commanded. Thus, when entering a discount retail store to commit this sacrament, we should be greeted by underpaid wage-slaves thus: "Welcome to Wal-Mart. How will you be celebrating the birth of our saviour this year?"

It's a real war, not a made-up one like the War on Poverty or War on Illiteracy. How does Stephen know this? Because Papa Bear has seen the enemy, and it is liberals and their all-inclusive hippie, nancy-girl, 'Happy Holidays'.

[edit] Casualties

Over 400 brave soldiers have already been lost in the war against Christmas, including 398 eight elves and two funny-looking midgets. Please help our troops by sending donations to the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation.

[edit] Notable Battles

The central front in the War on Christmas is Iraq, and with a hanging of Saddam Hussein like mistletoe in 2006, Stephen's Blitzkreig On Grinchitude looks to be off to a great start.

On November 24, 2006, 10,000 pro-Christmas troops stormed the Wal-Mart in Blythville, Arkansas. The first wave met resistance from ACLU backed secular-progessives (S-P) who beat back the forces of Christmas using subpoenas issued by the Godless 9th Circuit Court of Appeals.

However, a second wave was able to break through the S-P defences and proceded to burn any products labeled as "holliday" or "kwanzaa". They also found some awesome deals on lawnmowers.

[edit] Different "Fronts"

(Other places where battles are taking place between those who love Our Lord and Savior and those who suck)

[edit] The Battle of Dick's Sporting Goods

The Battle of Dick's Sporting Goods errupted late Tuesday night between one heroic cashier and several customers.

The valiant cashier had told several of his customers "Merry Christmas" when one lady with a belly like a bowl full of jelly turned around and promptly scolded the cashier for wishing them a "Merry Christmas" as they did not celebrate Christmas.

When the cashier refused to apologize and wished them again "Merry Christmas" The situation quickly tumbled out of control when several more atheist customers joined in on the side of anti-Christmas, and after much kicking, screaming, and a little bit of biting, the cashier was rewarded with a paid hour long break, and the lady was removed from the store.

[edit] The Battle of Target, Sacramento

The Battle of Target, Sacramento was engaged when truly heterosexual Christian, pro-Christmas forces began caroling outside a Sacramento, California area Target megastore, while uniformly wearing t-shirts with anti-gay, pro-christian slogans, presumably to protest the homosexualization of Christmas in the mass media. Some anti-christmas forces attempted to have them removed, but the police found nothing wrong. A victory in the War on Christmas!

[edit] The Battle of The Baby Jesus

There is an epidemic of Baby Jesus theft from law abiding creches all over the USA. This is certainly a losing front, since all of these Baby Jesuses are currently residing in the rough hands of the wicked.

[edit] Useful Weapons

The most effective weapon against Grinchitude.

[edit] Liberal Attacks

Now with the Democrats firmly in control of congress they have begun to raise the temperature so there will be no snow for Christmas. To combat this we must keep our freezers open at all times.

[edit] Santa = Soviet

Dr. Colbert showing what Christmas looked like before the War began...

...and what it looks like now that the War is being waged!

Close investigation have revealed Santa's status as a continued member and loyal supporter of the Communist Party. Note the red clothing, his commune operating out of the Arctic region and a legion of workers who are all the exact same size... The toys are a mirage, acting as the covert propaganda of the proletariat: protect our children.