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Redirected from The Heavenly Father

Secretgop
Shhh!
God is a Secret Republican.
But I'll Never Tell!
KnightsTemplarCross
KnightsTemplarCross
God
is a Truthiness Crusader!
Godholyshit
Holy indeed!
MutopisAdded by Mutopis
God
GodonGuitar
Male Republican
01/01/6000 B.C. -
Birthplace America
Nationality American
Occupation Republican Lawmaker, lobbyist
Spouse Mrs. God
Children Jesus, Steve McQueen, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, Fred Phelps, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Stephen Colbert, Billy Sunday, Peter Frampton and Ayn Rand

For the religious among us, the God chosen experts at Conservapedia have an excellent article about God.

God (aka All-knowing God; All-knowing God; All-knowing God; etc.), better known as Tecumseh, or to Americans as Ronald Reagan, is the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-hearing, white male creator of the universe. The one true God holds the keys to heaven: a really rockin' place featuring a 24 hour all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and an endless supply of Budweiser. Heaven belongs to America because God is American.America is God's front lawn, which is why He puts up garden gnomes like George Bush.

God and PoliticsEdit

Stephentoast
The traditional view of All-knowing God as he appears on tortillas and pieces of toast.

All-knowing God is synonymous with Stephen Colbert and George W. Bush. All-knowing God elected Bush president and guided his mighty hand as he brought liberty and freedom to the godless heathens in Iraq, who welcomed U.S. troops by throwing rose petals at their feet and welcoming them as liberators... not that you ever see anything good like that on liberal networks like CNN.

The Bible tells us that All-knowing God watches Comedy Central Monday-Thursday. It's not clear if He watches at 8pm Pacific Time, or 11pm Eastern time.

Michael Medved says God is Ayn Rand with a bushy beard.

Flag quote open clear2
God never closes a door without opening a window. His heating bills must be outrageous.
Flag quote close clear2
The Colbert Report January 6,2010


It is also a proven fact that All-knowing God is a conservative Republican.

Whenever you feel like asking questions, such as "why is the sky blue" or "why did George W. Bush invade Iraq"? Just remember the only answer you need ever know: "because God wishes it." No other answer is required.

300px-Chinese buffet2
The menu in Heaven.
McquestionAdded by Mcquestion

All-knowing God has appointed many representatives here on Earth, including Steve McQueen, Pat Robertson, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Stephen Colbert. God hates Al Franken and all liberals. It says so in the Bible, somewhere in the back.

All-knowing God was born in Battle Creek, Michigan, and swaddled in the American flag. His mother and father were simple Americans who didn't question authority, preferring instead to just do as they were told and trust in their leaders. God kicks ass and takes names when He has to, like in Iraq... and soon in Iran... and maybe North Korea... ooh, don't forget Syria...

According to the Bible, All-knowing God loves everyone. But beware His wrath if you mention bears. Humans who mention bears do not count as human beings; God has His own Never Existed list.

Budweiser-Fronte
Bud. The official beer of heaven.

There are many different views of God across the planet, but only the Christian interpretation is correct. All other views (Allah, Yahweh, Krishna, etc.) are false and need to be eradicated as soon as possible because they are at war with our All-knowing God.

Arch-enemyEdit

All-knowing God is locked in a seemingly eternal war with His four arch-enemies. These arch enemies are:

There is also a theory that all three are actually Satan, but that has never been proved. We know who satan is.

The eternal war will end with the Rapture, when All-knowing God, in His ultimate triumph, will suck up all believers to heaven, allowing them to bask in His glory in neatly pressed and folded kakhis and polo shirts forever, Amen.

Turn offs Edit

God gay porn google politics
as you can see "God" is way more popular than "Gay porn".
MutopisAdded by Mutopis

Unfortunately, there are many people who hate All-knowing God and His message of love and hope. They actually have the audacity to deny His omnipotent power. These people turn All-knowing God off and kill His buzz. Such people include:

  • Bears (especially gay ones)
  • People believing in science (not approved by God)
  • Gum (which is why He destroyed Sodom and Gumorrah)

All-knowing God knows who all these people are and what they're doing. Just like His cousin, Santa Claus, He's making his list and checking it twice... so that all these people burn in Hell.

Turn ons Edit

Family Guy - God, He Knows What Turns You On!(00:05)
Remember, he is watching you
FNC logo
God's only source for news.

Theory Edit

  • All-knowing God made the hole in the cd and donuts.
  • All-knowing God is inside your head below your thalamus.
  • All-knowing God initially made everyone Republican, but some have sinned and become Democrats.
  • Horrible God Made Xbox 360s Die
  • Goth god fancies Marilyn Manson.

What God is NOT! Edit

Factoids Edit

Morganfreemangod
America is divided as to whatever Morgan Freeman is God.
There Are Two Theories: Either God is Black a Shape-shifter and likes to dress up as a black man,
or Morgan Freeman is Just God's Black Friend and lets him play his role to punk the libural elite
MutopisAdded by Mutopis
Colbertisgod
There is no proof that Colbert is God… But there is also no proof that says otherwise!
MutopisAdded by Mutopis
  • All-knowing God graduated summa cum laude with a degree in everything from the University of Wisconsin.
  • Runnerup for 'World's Sexiest Man' in People Magazine (He lost to Sean Connery).
  • Is hopelessly addicted to candy corn.
  • Taught Superman how to fly.
  • Has a pet chimp named Beppo who wears a diaper and wore a top hat.
  • Together with His son, Jesus, wins the 3-legged race every damn time.
  • All-knowing God is infinitely old, but could pass for 30.
  • All-knowing God hates people who worship false idols, but loves American Idol.
  • Has a crush on Soledad O'Brien.
  • All-knowing God is one of George W. Bush's closest advisors.
  • Is STILL hiding dinosaur bones around the earth to fool us. What a trickster!
  • Is so powerful and loved, everyone calls out His name during sex.
Ohgod
"Oh, God! Oh, God!" No one cries out "Oh, Allah!"
McquestionAdded by Mcquestion


  • Was named co-creator of the universe by George W. Bush in 2006.
  • Is a critically acclaimed and widely recognized master of Kama Sutra.
  • Has an annoying habit of calling everyone He meets "boss" and "chief"
  • Remembers every person's name at a cocktail party.
  • All-knowing God only speaks directly to priests or men who truly love white Jesus, like Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh.
  • Has pet Holy Goat named Buttercup.
  • Has a secret cubby stash inside his beard.
  • Punched Michael Jackson at a party, claiming that only he himself was allowed to create sappy songs about the earth and the flowers. He later apologized to Michael in an interview on Fox News, saying that he was under the influence of Jesus Juice.
  • Does not actually care much for WikiNerds, though he liked Wikipedia back before it became politically rehearsed and "totally geeked out".
  • God is an economist.
  • Why is God's PR machine so horrible

Divine TubesEdit

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