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The Free Market

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ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.


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The selfish spirit of commerce (that) knows no country, and feels no passion or principle but that of gain.
Flag commie quote close
~ Thomas Jefferson some hippie blackbear-lover
Invisible hand of the market

Conceptual rendering of the invisible hand of the market.

FaceofGreed

The visible face of the market. Also pictured, the double-chin of the market.


The Free Market (also called The Market) is what liberals and communists fear in the pit of their non-existent souls. The concept of the free market is capitalism at its finest. Free of regulation or oversight, the actions of The Market are dictated only by the pure pursuit of profit, set by supply and demand. Of course, when things go bad, these capitalists need the taxpayer to bail them out. But this is not socialism. Socialism is when black people get free cheese.

Gimmemymoney

This could be you! What are you waiting for??? BUY! BUY! BUY!!!!

God's WillEdit

God guides corporate executives with a loving but invisible hand to do his will through messages sent by The Market.

Only corporate executives have the skill, foresight, and faith to properly interpret the Will of God as revealed through The Market. They are therefore given gargantuan salaries and are not expected to pay taxes.

The Market is responsible for the Great Bush Economic Miracle which allows CEOs to earn gargantuan salaries without paying taxes.

RestraintEdit

ScroogeMcDuck

Through Scrooge McDuck, millions of children have fallen in love with money and to show their loyalty, have given it to Disney. Money I mean, their love just facilitates the persistent wheedling it takes to get their lazy parents to buy them "Lion King 4: Back 2 Tha' Hood."

Free Marketmechanism

The Mechanisms of the Free market are so complex, that it needs deregulation to make it simpler.

Unfortunately, due to the whining pleas of the Democrats, much legislation has been passed restraining the actions of the businessmen and industrialists who run the market. These captains of industry are the men who generate money, they compete against one another, always innovating and creating new products for people to put their money towards. We should thank God that these industrialists and businessmen walk the Earth, for without their kind, we'd still be living in caves and worshiping fire.

UnionsEdit

One of the ways Democrats have chained the free market and the businessmen who run it is through Labor Unions. The greedy labor unions are a collective of workers from a specific skill field who have banded together to impose their demands on the owners and management of any given business. Such outrageous demands are safe working conditions, "fair" wages, health benefits and job security. What assholes.


Due to the egregious demands of unions, companies have started to outsource jobs to other countries, countries where the workers realize the blessing such companies have bestowed upon them by bringing excellent jobs with the opportunity for upward mobility off of 15 cents an hour.

RegulationsEdit

Government regulations are an evil sometimes more disruptive than unions. Democrats are responsible for most freedom-stifling regulations, but some of them have been foisted upon The Market even by misguided Republicans. (See: Richard Nixon; EPA, Army Corps of Engineers)

Socialists claim that regulation fixes problems of externalities, monopolies, cartels, asymmetric information, and price manipulation. But come on...really... we all know these are just liberal lies. The oil spill, DeBeers, Drug Cartels, insurance spirals, and Enron are all problems caused by liberals to convince people that regulation is needed.

Although it was a slow and tedious process, the Greatest President Ever and the Republican Majority managed to free The Market from the unhealthy shackles of many regulations. They started to turn the tide so that government during the first six years of the Bush Presidency did what it should do: Use laws (and earmarks) to give taxpayer money directly to corporations.

The Power of the Free MarketEdit

The Free Market is not a whore! Instead it is just funding new "partners" to multiply with...

Free market capitalism is a force so powerful that democracy orbits around it like a satellite. The free market can help decide things like whether or not a company should be trusted, or whether or not one of the liberals' ridiculous theories is true.

Wall Street Trading Floor

The current price of reality on the Wall Street trading floor is $47.50 per Wikipedia article

WikilobbyingEdit

Main article: Wikilobbying

Thanks to wikilobbying, reality has now become a commodity. Through free market interaction, people are now paying others to edit Wikip*dia in order to create a more favorable wikiality. For example, Microsoft is wikilobbying to get people to believe let people know that they are not really bundling software to crush smaller companies like puppies in a pile driver. The practice of wikilobbying is obviously perfectly ethical since the free market is an infallible system; however, Wikip*dia founder Jimmy "Jimbo" Wales is disappointed in it. Sorry, Comrade, this is how things work in America.

Global WarmingEdit

The only piece of compelling evidence that global warming may actually, in some bizarre way, deserve even a shred of credibility has come about because of the free market. Once Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth made money, the market seemed to have decided that global warming is real. Of course, that could have just been some of Gore's liberal trickery, so the global warming controversy has not been put to bed yet.

Freedom Lovers DespairEdit

In America, things have gotten to the point where men like Jeff Skilling and the late Ken Lay have been made into criminals for making a profit off of their company Enron, while the majority of their employees lost their pensions and jobs. Most of these employees were disgruntled over the whole affair, but what they failed to realize is that men like Jeff and Ken deserve that money since they know what to do with it seeing as how they have so much of it, otherwise they'd be poor and would have never been able to run a company like Enron.


Due to the impending mid-term election of 2006, Democrats will most likely take control of the House of Representatives and possibly the Senate. All America loving citizens should pray that this doesn't happen, if it does, we can only expect more regulation and oversight and the diminishment of the free market.

Interpreters of God's Will in The MarketEdit

Because corporate CEOs are often shy about telling the world how they interpret God's Will in The Market, God has anointed these commentators to reveal His Word:

Although she is less blessed in the churchiness sense, Maria Bartiromo on CNBC gets special grace because she is blessed in other significant ways.

Heroes of the Free Market Edit

Other People's Money speech by Danny DeVito06:13

Other People's Money speech by Danny DeVito

The god of Moneytheism: Danny DeVito?

Communist Government Attacks to the Free MarketEdit

See AlsoEdit

External TubesEdit

ExxonLeeRaymondSmall
MigrantMotherSmall
The Free Market
helps Americans better understand
The Free Market
America thanks you, The Free Market

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