The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 453

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[edit] Production Info

Previous Episode
Date:
September 29, 2008 		Season:
Image:Season4.png 		Episode:
453 		Production code:
4122
Next Episode

[edit] The Check-In

  • Dr. Colbert wishes His Jewish Friend a Happy New Year!
  • Stewart doesn't think he will take part in the festivities
  • Dr. Colbert is confusing the Jewish New Year with the Chinese New Year, which doesn't blow

[edit] Intro

  • Wall Street Bleak
"Are we turning our back on The Free Market!? And is that a good idea considering what it's been doing to us from the front!?"
  • Death Becomes Him
"And another edition of my segment, Cheating Death! WARNING: you are not covered!"
  • Begala B'Golly
"Then, my guest Paul Begala says a McCain presidency could mean four more years of President Bush! WRONG! It could be eight years!"


Image:Flag_quote_open_clear2.gif
Nation, I will always make eye contact with you!
This is The Colbert Report!
Image:Flag_quote_close_clear2.gif
~ Stephen Colbert
September 29, 2008 The Colbert Report


Contents

[edit] The First Presidential Debate

  • Dr. Colbert was torn last Friday, but he was able to see the debate and a midnight showing of Nights in Rodanthe
    • they both had the same amount of sexual tension
  • Who Won?
    • John McCain won with comparative height of Asian peoples?
      • New slogan: McCain '08 Cambodians Are Taller Than You Think
  • McCain accused Obama of not knowing the difference between a tactic and a strategy
    • Tactic: Bush used political operatives to slander McCain in 2000
    • Strategy: when McCain hired those same operatives to work for him in 2008
  • Obama doesn't understand the definition of "debate"
    • he agreed with many of the things McCain said
  • McCain reached out to reptiles
    • worried about health care
    • jobs going overseas
    • rising cost of crickets

[edit] We All Won Today!

  • House rejected the $700 billion bailout
    • thanks but no thanks to the bailout to no where
  • House Republicans sent out a strong message that Wall Street fat cats would not get a hand out
    • just tax cuts forever
  • Barney Franks wouldn't know a bad day for the economy if it was 3 feet behind him dancing disco!
    • he will be working hard until Rosh Hashanah
      • if it was Hanukah, the markets would last another 8 days
  • Dr. Colbert checked his laptop for the status of the stock market, saw that it fell 777 points, then wrapped it into his hobo bindle
    • in the event of an economic meltdown laptops can be bartered for baked beans

[edit] Tonight's Word: Ye Of Little Faith

  • the free market requires faith, similar to believing in God
    • they're both all around us
    • guides us with an invisible hand
    • inspires towers
      • apparently compensating for something
    • answer to all our problems
    • doubt causes them both to withhold their precious gifts
  • the market is not infallible
    • the market is a dangerous and destructive God
  • Job rode high on a children and livestock bubble
  • market may not be like the Judeo-Christian god
  • it may be like a blindly vengeful god with a thousand hungry mouths, who comes in the form of a winged serpent to destroy the universe with a black flame, like an ancient God of wrath
    • the High Priests of the market place, who enter the holiest of holies go mad

[edit] Prayer Of Laissez-faire Capitalists!

  • Hear me O children of capitalism!
  • Thou shalt not abandon the One True God for the false idols of Socialism!
  • We must believe even harder!
  • Our god demands sacrifice!
    • I do not mean regulation, but human flesh!
  • Lo, for the true believers hath already thrown Lehman Brothers, AIG, WaMu, Wachovia into the mouth of the beast
  • Yet it still hungers!
  • Let it also now feed upon Main Street!
  • True believers would rather lose their lives to the market than admit government should have any role

[edit] Cheating Death With Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA!

Brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, makers of the world's largest "Do not take if pregnant" warning label

  • Heart Health
    • high blood pressure
    • listening to Mozart lowers
    • Wanger makes you want to invade Poland
  • Prescott: last word in medicine, because "Prescott" is often literally our patients' last word.

[edit] Interview

Paul Begala

  • recently called Bush a "high functioning idiot"
    • also wore a yellow wrist bracelet, not a red one
  • wore a flag pin
    • Secret Service gave it to him
  • he is a Democrat operative
    • nothing he says can or will be believed
  • book: Third Term: Why George W. Bush Hearts John McCain
  • Bush is acting more like a liberal
    • finally talking about timetables
    • taking an interesting in Israeli-Palestinian conflict
    • trying to nationalize our financial system
  • leadership you have to believe in
    • because you can't understand it
  • says Democrats make love not war and that Republicans cannot do either
    • claims the republicans don't know how to screw anybody

[edit] Epilogue

That's it for The Report everybody, good night!

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