Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode Date: May 20, 2009 Season: Episode: 561 Production code: 5070 Next Episode

IntroEdit

Extra! Extra! Bleed All About It! "AUDIO1" She Said, C.I.A. Said "AUDIO2" Grin And Bear E.T. "AUDIO3" We can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar! It also makes them taste better! This is The Colbert Report! ~ Stephen Colbert May 20, 2009 The Colbert Report

Contents 1 Production Info 2 Intro 3 SEGMENT1 4 SEGMENT2 5 SEGMENT3 6 Interview 7 Epilogue 8 Gallery 9 Official Truthy Videos 10 External Tubes 11 Reviews and Comments

SEGMENT1Edit

• it is Fleet Week in New York
  • would look good with a shaved ?

• newspapers are an important part of our lives--not to read
  • can't wrap dishes in a blog

• big kerfuffle at the Philadelphia Inquirer

• Liberal Complainosphere

• doing some unspeakable things to the English language

• editor
  • made effort to hire conservatives
  • torquemada still uses Work Perfect

• Yoo could justify serving dolphins at PETA

SEGMENT2Edit

• bright side
  • Nancy Pelosi up to her Elmo-sized eyeballs

• CIA says they briefed her on it
  • she says they didn't

• The CIA does not mislead world leaders; they assassinate them

• CIA said it is not their practice or policy to mislead Congress

• The point is: Nancy Pelosi might know
  • Pelosi Day Parade

• Bob Graham
  • meticulous means pathologically OCD

• CIA & Cheney's office said they briefed Graham

• Bob Graham ventured into the Eagle's Nest to be nailed
  • took an oath on his own book, "America, the Owner's Manual: Making Government Work for You"
• what are the skills a citizen needs

• calls The Colbert Report the pinnacle of the media

• they couldn't let him know he was there

• he said people who attended the briefing he was at didn't have the classification to receive the information the CIA was claiming he received during the meeting he said didn't happen

SEGMENT3Edit

• at some point during the summer
• Pentagon can't say where or when

• Just as Dr. Colbert was about to announce where and when he would be going to the Persian Gulf, he was shot with some form of tranquilizer

• part of the USO tour, he launched a challenge with Donors Choose

• projects designed by Teachers, not the students
  • The Nation has donated $63,000

• just like the real world, the Coast Guard is getting spanked

• advice for young pundits: stay away from his time slot

• go to Colbert Nation.com, follow the link to Donors Choose
  • best way to support the troops short of making out with them in Times Square

InterviewEdit

• Seth Shostak
  • SETI Tube
• Stephen's guest is here to talk about hunting for aliens in outer space

• book: "Confessions of an Alien Hunter: A Scientist's Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence"

• he has no alien heads on the wall of his den

• they may not exist, his life may be meaningless

• he says there are a trillion planets

• science continues to make mankind insignificant

• why is he searching for another thing to bum Stephen out

• Stephen thinks we're pretty good
  • not a Blame Humanity First Crowd

• the universe was an expectant mother

• big antenna, like Jodie Foster did in Contact
  • act and pretend to be attracted to Matthew McConaughey

• what constitutes a signal?
  • kind of signal that an artificial transmitter makes

• doesn't think they're going to be people
  • may be space ladies in bikinis

• artificial intelligence
• some people with arms and legs don't think either

EpilogueEdit

• Dr. Colbert signed off with a quick "That's it for The Report everybody, goodnight!"

GalleryEdit

Official Truthy VideosEdit

• Colbert Nation Home Tube
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External TubesEdit

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Reviews and CommentsEdit