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Production InfoEdit

FlyingEaglePREV
Previous Episode
Date:
March 19, 2009
Season:
Season5
Episode:
531
Production code:
5040
FlyingEagleNEXT
Next Episode


IntroEdit

Tonight
  • Born to Run
"A new bill would require presidential candidates to produce birth records! Mitt Romney, you can just show your serial number!"
  • Step Up To The Mike
"Then, the latest in my rap battle with Michael Steele! Here's a preview! (folds arms in a gangsta-ish manner)"
  • Eighteen is Enough
"And my guest John McCardell thinks the drinking age should be lowered to 18! I plan to support him once my youngest turns 21!"


Flag quote open clear2
Let's play rock, paper, scissors! (gestures "scissors") Mail in your answers and we'll see who won!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
March 19, 2009 The Colbert Report



Bill Posey's New LawEdit

  • Dr. Colbert wishes everyone was here
    • they went through so much together
  • Bill Posey saluted by Dr. Colbert
    • introduced Presidential candidates to submit birth certificate
      • Stephen wants to add a urine sample--for
  • remembered how questions about Obama's citizenship
  • as persistent as rumors that cable news has standards
  • Dr. Colbert would like to thank Posey by thanking him
    • demanding DNA tests that Florida congressman prove they are not part-alligator
      • enough of the rumors
  • his mother screamed, reptilian romeo, (etc)
  • Stephen did his part to make those rumors go away
  • Bill Posey's grandmother allegedly fucked an alligator

Steele Hip-Hop BattleEdit

  • It's an East-West thing
    • East Hampton, Westchester
  • Yo NBC Press
    • hip hop news
  • BYOI (bring your own it)
  • Steele probably needs time to get here from D.C.
  • Rainbows are God's way of frowning at gay people
  • Times up!
  • Grade-A Slamburger
  • Dr. Colbert revealed a Navy pinstripe hoodie and rapped
  • Dr. Colbert has the skillz to pay his children's private school billz
  • hip-hop response The Report put together for Steele
  • the sickest thing to drop from a Republican since Bill Bennet
  • Stephen declares that Steele won the rap battle
  • a conservative leader like Stephen trying to appeal to the hip-hop audience is insane in the membrane

SEGMENT3Edit

  • Why is there a bull in the China shop? It wants to get gay married.
  • When Animals Attack Our Morals
  • chimpanzees
    • Santino collects rocks for visitors
    • Stephen understands the urge to throw rocks at Swedes, he's seen Mama Mia
      • Chimps drunk dial old researchers
      • they can plan
      • Stephen's theory that chimps were behind the assassination of JFK
  • Lizards
    • they're godless and he doesn't buy his insurance from them
    • young lizard males will pose as females to avoid confrontations with older males
      • Lizard Drag queens
    • fooled by tranny lizards before
  • spider
    • man who had been in a wheelchair bitten by a brown recluse and after therapy was able to walk again
    • impersonating Jesus (did not ascend to Heaven on a silky thread coming out of his butt)

InterviewEdit

  • John McCardell
    • Professor of History, Middlebury College, Middlebury, Vermont
    • founder, director of Choose Responsibility, a group that advocates lowering the legal drinking age in the United States
  • thinks the drinking age should be lowered to 18, Stephen will make sure he isn't
  • bring it back to when Dr. Colbert was in college
  • they can join the military, get shipped to a country where the drinking age is 18
  • he trashed Palaoans
  • MADD deserves credit for lowering drinking and driving
  • driven youth drinking into clandestine environment
  • an attempt to be voted coolest college president of all time
    • a hall of fame
  • 135 college presidents signed on
  • Dartmouth students need the alcohol to get through the winter
  • horrible schools on the list
  • increase the incidence of Beer Pong (which causes herpes)
  • drinking games
  • risk to life and health

EpilogueEdit

  • Dr. Colbert wants to remind The Heroes not to forget:
    • voting to name the NASA Space Node for Dr. Colbert ends tomorrow (Go to ColbertNation.com follow the links and type in "Colbert")
  • To infinity and Me-yond!

GalleryEdit

Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

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