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Production InfoEdit

FlyingEaglePREV
Previous Episode
Date:
March 3, 2009
Season:
Season5
Episode:
521
Production code:
5030
FlyingEagleNEXT
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

IF A CHECK-IN OCCURS, SUMMARIZE IT HERE, OTHERWISE DELETE SECTION

IntroEdit

Tonight
  • Blue Double-Cross
"President Obama taxes the rich to pay for universal healthcare! I hope it covers the stroke I have when I cover my return!"
  • A Farewell To Arms
"Then, South Carolina has a new plan to get guns off the streets! Finally, an end to gun prostitution!"
  • Chomping At The Bittmann
"And my guest is New York Times food columnist Mark Bittmann! I'll ask him what foods tastes best grilled over a burning New York Times!"


Flag quote open clear2
Ever get the feeling that one point three million people are watching you!?
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
March 3, 2009 The Colbert Report



Beer Pong HerpesEdit

  • Dr. Colbert bravely opened tonight's program by addressing rumors about he and Eleanor Holmes Norton
    • he wants to make it clear they are just friends enemies
  • after putting that nasty topic in the past, Dr. Colbert brought up the topic of Beer Pong
    • health officials have discovered that participants were sharing cups and mono and the flu and herpes
      • Beer Pong is all fun and games until someone gets herpes, then a new game begins called, "Who Gave Me Herpes?"
  • Dr. Colbert has always suspected there was a link between playing beer pong and getting herpes
    • but he didn't know it could happen during the game
  • this raises an obvious question:
    • who's fucking our ping pong balls? (turns out no one)
  • it appears no one is; the CDC says the story is a hoax
  • the story began on a humor website
    • a college newspaper caught it
      • a television news station picked it up
        • which spread to another television news station that was cruising for stories without protection
          • a third station that was going down in the ratings also acquired it
  • contagious stories such as these are why smart newspaper boys use plastic bags
  • the real tragedy was that this story/rumor outbreak was a blow to Stephen's friendly friends at Fox and Friends, who gave it the coverage it deserved ... had it been real
  • this incident may put into question the credibility of the other investigations conducted by Fox, such as:
    • designer babies
    • cell phones found in cod
  • the CDC refutation of a story based on a rumor of which they were the source angers Dr. Colbert
    • he worries that his editorial policy of blindly reporting as news anything he reads on The Web
  • Dr. Colbert still stands by his forecast from six months ago of Chocolate Rain
  • He is not, not, not giving up on this story
  • Beer Pong gives you herpes; ping pong gives you crabs!
    • Dr. Colbert recommends putting a raincoat on your ping pong paddle

Obama's Healthcare TeamEdit

  • Obama picked the team that will implement his healthcare plan for the uninsured:
    • Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius as Secretary of Health and Human Services and
    • Tennessee health official, Nancy-Ann DeParle as healthcare czar
      • they were obviously picked because "sebelius" sounds like a disease and "deparle" sounds like the cure
  • originally the job was going to go to Tom Daschle, but Obama soon realized that he would need two people to do the job:
  1. to oversee healthcare
  2. to not pay taxes
  • Dr. Colbert wanted the job to go to House
    • the administration had reached its quota of rude, physically challenged ego-maniacs when it hired Rahm Emanuel
  • Obama says he will pay for this plan by (surprise!)
    • raising taxes on people making more than $250,000 / year
  • Dr. Colbert sees a silver lining in Obama's unfair plan against the rich
  • Dr. Colbert has never been a fan of socialism
    • as a kindergartner, he refused to share his toys (to pay for universal cooties care)
  • Stephen especially distrusts socialised medicine
    • he shares his healthcare with the poor the same way he donates to UNICEF: by coughing on them
  • Stephen answers critics who compare the $ 100 billion on healthcare with the $10 trillion spent on the bank bailout by saying:
    • with the bank bailout we get something in return (Bullet Point believes what we get in return is "screwed")
    • Stephen says we will get:
      • credit markets will loosen
      • we will get oversight
      • equity in the companies (e.g.: we now own 36% of Citibank)
  • this is an example of Nationalization
    • when we use our money to keep the banks alive
  • if we are keeping our money to keep the poor alive, Stephen believes it's only right that we also nationalize the poor
    • which means we should get oversight
      • we get to dictate what they eat, how much they exercise and limit any risky behaviors they engage in--like beer pong--which as everyone now knows (thanks to Fox & Friends) gives you herpes (or "Doocys")
  • the most important thing is that we have equity
    • healthcare must not be a giveaway
  • Obama calls healthcare "the largest investment ever"
    • which makes Dr. Colbert a shareholder, who has the rights to liquidate his assets, which he will accept in the form of new livers--because the new tax policy is driving him to drink
      • he is certain he'll need other organs as well, because he hasn't stopped driving
  • if Dr. Colbert's plan works he will be able to answer his critics who say he is heartless, because he will have all the hearts he needs
  • it will be a deal with the poor: we share the wealth, they share health
  • in regards to the "grossly" "mismanaged" banks, that are dragging the world economy down in flames, Dr. Colbert politely asks if there is anything they need

Guns For RosesEdit

  • everyone knows that Dr. Colbert is a proud son of South Carolina
  • Columbia, South Carolina police announced a program, called "Guns for Roses," where they exchange Constitutionally protected firearms for a rose
  • Dr. Colbert is disturbed by this news
    • if he keeps his gun he can get as many free roses as he wants
      • along with a box of chocolates and a hostage (which ladies love)
    • the people who turned in their guns were:
      • "young and old, men and women"
  • leaving middle-aged hermaphrodites as the only people packing heat in South Carolina
    • in more ways that one
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't like the idea of having all those roses with all those thorns on the street
    • he's concerned about the kids
  • But, most importantly, if Dr. Colbert gives away his gun to get a rose, who will he give the rose to?
  • Dr. Colbert pulls both Sweetness and a rose from The C-Desk
    • he wishes Sweetness a happy belated Valentines Day
    • Dr. Colbert had to turn down Sweetness' offer of a kiss because it seemed to be a bit PDA for his tastes

The Colbert ModuleEdit

  • Dr. Colbert's favorite endless, empty void is outer space (he loves it)
    • sorry Glenn Beck
  • NASA is conducting an online survey to name their new space module, offering the following names for a vote:
    • Earthrise
    • Legacy
    • Serenity
    • Venture
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't approve of these suggestions as they are not names for space modules
    • they're names for organic teas
  • NASA also provided a way for people to suggest their own names
    • currently the top suggestion is "Xenu"
      • making the module part laboratory-part celebrity center, helping America to learn the effects of zero-gravity on Jenna Elfman
  • But, Dr. Colbert had his own suggestion: COLBERT!
  • he then placed America on Code Alpha Sierra
  • It already owes Dr. Colbert
    • he gave it The Colbert Bump when he talked to astronaut Garrett Reisman when he was floating up there (which made it the number one space station in orbit)
    • plus, video game designer Richard Garriott brought Stephen's DNA up there and--following the Breakroom Donuts Corollary--once your DNA is on something, it's yours
  • Details for Code Alpha-Sierra:
    • go to ColbertNation.com
    • click on the link to the NASA website
    • select "Suggest Your Own"
    • and type in the word "COLBERT"!
    • hurry, voting ends March 20, 2009!
  • The Colbert Interstellar Motto:
"In space, you can still hear me scream!"

InterviewEdit

  • his book implies that Dr. Colbert could be eating while unconscious
  • before getting into bed, Dr. Colbert likes to dip a little bit of bacon, so that he can have the flavor while he's sleeping
    • just a pinch between his cheek and gum and he can enjoy the full bacon flavor without lighting up
  • Bittman says people eat without thinking
    • Dr. Colbert reminds him that we're so good at it, it's natural
  • Bittman says that there is twice as much food as we need to sustain ourselves in the U.S.
    • he claims that Americans feel compelled to eat all of it
  • he describes the way Americans eat as:
    • we eat without thinking about what's good for ourselves
    • we eat without thinking about what's good for our planet
  • Dr. Colbert is conscious of one thing regarding his eating:
    • he likes to eat things that were once conscious
    • he would dig into a head of broccoli, but only if it could cry
  • Bittman says while writing his book, he changed his diet 60-70% (not completely)
  • he claims of the three pounds of food that every American eats every:
    • about one half a pound of it is meat
    • and a pound and a half of it is other animal products
    • the remainder is mostly processed food or junk food
  • he says he is a vegan until 6 p.m.
    • after that, anything goes
    • may only be true for food
  • Bittman claimed that serving a family of four a steak dinner uses the same amount of energy as having that family drive around in an SUV for three hours while every light is on in their house
    • Dr. Colbert wondered if the family was cooking the steak in petroleum
    • and if he could do both because he likes to eat while he drives
      • Bittman conceded that driving a Prius and eating a steak dinner might be possible
  • Bittman says that the UN says that 1/6th to 1/5th of all greenhouse gases come from industrial livestock production (or Robot Cows)
    • America turns out 10 billion widget-cows every year (which comes to approximately 30 animals per person per year)
  • eating three fewer cheeseburgers every week would be equivalent to taking all the SUVs off the road
    • because Americans would finally be skinny enough to fit back into regular-sized cars
  • the book does not have a chart to show what is equivalent to a cheeseburger
  • we could be healthier
  • help the environment
  • reduce global warming
  • Bittman was unable to tell Dr. Colbert what the one thing he should eat would be, so they decided to discuss i next time

EpilogueEdit

  • Dr. Colbert wants to catch those just tuning in:
    • the murder was Derrick!
  • Before wishing The Heroes a good night, Stephen promised that the rest of the story will be written in due time

GalleryEdit

This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here

Official Truthy VideosEdit

External TubesEdit

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Reviews and CommentsEdit

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