The Colbert Report/Episode/514

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[edit] Production Info

Previous Episode

Date:
February 11, 2009

Season:

Episode:
514

Production code:
5023

Next Episode

[edit] Intro

Better No A District

"More crazy government handouts! First banks want cash, now D.C. wants a vote!"

Glenn, Close

"Then, Glenn Beck brings the most innovative show to FOX News since "Hannity & Stomp!""

Me-Nome

"And my guest Steven Pinker posted his genome on the internet! Bad news: China has already pirated it!"

I'll never use steroids to get stronger; I just use them for the 'roid rage!
This is The Colbert Report!

~ Stephen Colbert

February 11, 2009 The Colbert Report

[edit] Stephen Is Still Not Being Honored

the show opened with The Mob applause aftershocks

First the Writers' Guild, and Grammys ignored him, now it's the Westminster Dog Show
winner: 133rd year in a row, not Stephen
- Stump, a Sussex Spaniel

What does Stomp have that Stephen doesn't have?
- Dr. Colbert has
  - floppy ears
  - firm haunches
  - silky coat
- his secret? He cracks an egg into his bowl

so-called champion
- Black Standard Poodle, winner of the Non-Sporting Group
  - was bred with 25-year-old sperm (Shh, don't tell Octomom it's available)

Stephen Colbert's Formula 40-Woof
- exclusive canine seed
- buy it if you want your dog to be a champion and you use The Island of Dr. Moreau as an instructional video

keep it on ice

[edit] Will D.C. Get A Vote?

warned before about D.C. Voting Rights Act
- Senate committee debated
- Joe Lieberman

Article I, Section ██
- picked by the people of the several states
Change name to Starbuckstistan

George Washington University Jonathan Turley calls the D.C. Voting Rights bill:
- incredibly offensive
- flagrantly unConstitutional

Turley's opinion is not a contradiction, but proof that the Founding Fathers are douchebags and we have to follow their words to the letter (our hands are tied)

D.C. residents are using the rallying cry: "no taxation without representation"
Louie Gohmert says get rid of their income tax
- only a true patriot can turn a slogan of the Revolution into a multiple choice question

in exchange, Utah would get a new district
Utah representative (and friend of the show) Jason Chaffetz took a firm stand against it, which is surprising that he can stand at all considering
- his wet strands of angel hair pasta legs
Congressman Nerf Thighs believes in the United States Constitution
- he believes Utah will get the seat anyway once the 2010 Census is conducted
Dr. Colbert's old nemesis Eleanor Holmes Norton is behind it!
- like a fly who buzzes around and won't go away (and can't vote in Congress)

D.C. residents almost have rights
- she was able to manipulate The Mob
- may happen in a month

Holmes Norton proceeded to bash schools in the great state of South Carolina

she also declared that if D.C. is going to be treated as a state (every April 15th when their taxes are collected) they will get representation in Congress
- demanding that Dr. Colbert "swallow that," "understand that," "learn that"
  - Stephen doesn't swallow

Stephen may have to quarter soldiers in his house

will make Stephen an honorary citizen of Washington, D.C. once they get the right to vote
- Dr. Colbert agrees with a TV Promise

[edit] Glenn Beck's New Show

in milky way of punditry, there are:
- white dwarfs
- flaming balls of gas
- a new wormhole to a parallel world, Glenn Beck packed himself into his genius cannon and lit the fuse

Glenn Beck has a new show!
- reinventing the medium of TV, melding it with the nightmares of opium addicts

Beck held the smart gun to his head and pulled the brilliant trigger, telling his audience (with his crazy eyes):
- "You are the protector of liberty. You are the guardian of freedom."
- "I honestly thought, I'll just move to a farm and I'll unplug and I can be happy."
- "We surround the weasels, it's not the other way around."
- "And if I have to hear my grandmother tell the story about the large sandwiches they used to eat one more time, I would have lost my mind."

Glenn Beck missed his grandmother's last retelling of the sandwich story because he was out fixing a weasel fence

Glenn Beck has gone unappreciated in his time
- the world is not ready for his crazy eye close ups
  - except regions of the world where licking hallucinogenic frogs is common

Beck explained the next that he did the crazy eye close up thing because "we don't look each other in the eye anymore; we're uncomfortable."
- when verifying his footage from the previous day, it is discovered that his crazy eye close up wasn't looking straight into the camera (or at the viewers)
  - this is due to Beck seeing the world from such an interesting angle:

"Jesus Christ and Hitler had a lot in common, and that was they could both look you in the eye and say, "I`ve got an answer for you, follow me."

Plus, they both said it to the Jews!

Beck then climbed the wisdom tree, dangled the logic rope and hanged himself until he was dead right:
- "You know in your gut when people are telling the truth and when they're not."
- "You know how people are always like, 'My dog hated him, I should've known he was a serial killer!' Your dog doesn't have any super powers; your dog just doesn't dismiss what you do: your gut."

Dr. Colbert agrees that everyone should do whatever their dog tells you
- it worked for Son Of Sam

Stephen is a huge proponent of the gut
- he trusts it so much, it's where he puts all his food

Forget looking into each other's eyes; we need to look into each other's guts

Stephen invited prominent gut physician, Dr. Eichler to insert a camera inside of him so The Heroes to look into his gut
- he tells The Heroes that we need to take a stand
  - although he won't be sitting for a while
- (he could feel it in his larynx)

Dr. Colbert asks The Heroes to measure their patriotism by how far up your own ass you're willing to go
- for Our Glorious Stephen and Glenn Beck, the answer is "all the way"

[edit] Interview

Steven Pinker
book: "Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature"
Harvard psychology professor who posted his genome onto the internets
- AGCTTGCTA
- most boring blog ever

book: "The Stuff of Thought"
shared a flowing locks gene with Michael Landon

he learned that he was a carrier of a gene for a nasty disease
- familial disautonomia (sp)

ignorance is bliss
- better to know
  - if you have the curious gene

like posting the social security number God gave you
- doesn't care if everyone knows he's lactose intolerant

Stephen would use gene knowledge to fire employees

Congress passed law that prevents insurance companies from denying coverage

has a gene that gives him an 80% chance of being bald

[edit] Epilogue

Dr. Colbert declared that's it for the show tonight, unless you are watching on the West Coast, then it won't start for another ~~three~~ two and a half hours!