Stephen's Sound Advice
From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia
Contents |
[edit] Stephen's Sound Advice
[edit] On Reducing Fuel Costs
Gas prices are at record highs, so what can you do?
- Public Transportation. Get friends and family to use it so the roads are clear for you. If you do get caught in traffic, use the shoulder. That's why it's there.
- No Air Conditioner. Instead, put the top down on your convertible.
- Find Gas Stations With Cheap Gas. Natrona County, Wyoming has quite a few.
- Carpool. Get a group of friends together and buy a car carrier.
- Avoid Alternative Fuels. Pouring creamed corn in your tank doesn't work.
- Buy Oil Company Stock. Filling up your tank is like paying yourself. Why not buy a Hummer with your profits.
- Pray.
[edit] On Avoiding Wildfires
Wildfires are a summer tradition, not unlike the Northern Lights, only in the Southwest and on the ground.
- Stop wildfires before they start: Eliminate the fuel source by cutting down trees. This also eliminates pests, like termites, woodpeckers and druids.
- 9 of 10 fires are started by people, so stay away from people.
- Stay away from wildfire danger zones by moving to green areas on the map.
[edit] On Avoiding Floods
- If you're moving to avoid wildfires, make sure you don't move to a flood zone.
[edit] For Surviving The Winter Blues
According to the American Academy of Family Physicians, half a million people are affected by S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Here's Stephen's advice to turn that frown upside down:
- Participate in winter sports like cross country skiing. It's all the excitement of walking in deep snow, but with expensive equipment!
- Remind yourself that God created snow to break our fall when we pitch ourselves off the roof at the thought of facing the endless dreary grey deathscape of midwinter.
- Boost your serotonin levels with the simulated sunlight of light box therapy.
- Take a trip - Stephen likes to visit his villa in Cabo San Cabo, but if you don't have a villa and are looking for warm weather - why not go to Iraq? Meals and entertainment are comped! And remember, P.T.S.D. cancels out S.A.D.
- Wait a few years - Global Warming will wash that depression away!
[edit] Avoiding Humiliation On The Campaign Trail
- Appearance Matters: STOP SWEATING. Have your glands surgically removed on roll on Ban Roll-On all over your body.
- Grooming Counts: Neck beards make you unelectable, unless you're John Edwards
- Dress For Success: Don't wear tanks, like George Dukakis did.
- Stand Up Straight: Don't lean too far or you'll end up looking like Bob Dole, Gary Bauer or Juan Gabriel
- Disclose Drug Use: Admit to your indiscretions in college, or your current elected office - in fact, try embellishing it.
- Be Selective: Only appear on shows with strong, charismatic hosts
[edit] How To Win A Contested Convention
Special Edition: Karl's Stephen's Sound Advice
- control the convention mechanism
- When you control the rules, you almost never lose
- watch the platform
- make compromises
- have a strategy to win
- focus on staging
- make the spectal personal
- stick to your guns
[edit] How To Find A Summer Job
- Check The Classifieds
- make your own ad
- Always Appear Professional
- Stephen was also a lifeguard
- dress for the job you want
- resume too
- Imitation is the sincerest form of identity theft
- Lower expectations
- Try An Internship
- No such thing as a bad job...
