Liberal Elitist
has become TOO RANDOM
it needs a complete rewrite in order to remove all the randomness.
Please edit this page so that it fits in "The Stephen Colbert Experience" Thank You.

Liberal Elitist
is an insidious part of the
Fancy-pantsification of America!

An elitist is what every American should strive to be.

Right wing rednecks would like to believe that Liberal Elitists are those who view themselves as better than Real Americans. Liberal Elitists are in fact better than real americans. Liberal Elitists scare real americans with their learnins and fear them because they base their convictions on facts, reality and the proof of scientific evidence and book reading. Liberals embrace Truthiness and homegrown, old-fashioned American values just the same as their counterparts. Liberal Elitists, from a young age, are instilled with strong values that emphasize education and intellectual endeavors, usually at the urging of enthusiastic parents who admire and encourage growth and broad ranging intellectual and sexual exploration and early drug use.

Some Liberal Elitists utilize their higher education to pursue low paying, public servant, pro bono, teaching, writing, journalism, community activism, or artistic careers, in order to benefit the community in which they live, which may also be regarded as the global community. Some elitists who have gained the respect of their colleagues by utilizing their wisdom and knowledge to propagate scientific research and that have acquired industry knowledge and respect become employed by media outlets such as The New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, and MSNBC. Liberal Elitists would never associate the terms "moderate-centrist media network" with that of Fox News, mostly based on evidence, thinking for one's self, visual and auditory clues such as the broadcasters' heightened sense of white self-awareness and their compellingly unfounded sense of impending socialist Armageddon that compels them to hock bomb shelters and gold coins as side income. You can also find Liberal Elitists employed in such occupations as librarians, wildlife activists, human rights activists, stem cell scientists, and the presidents of book clubs.

The hidden agenda of Liberal Elitists includes exposing and limiting the power of those who deny or contort citizens' rights on the basis of fear-mongering, protecting the rights of all people from unconstitutional discrimination, continuing to guarantee the right to self protection to those that legally meet the requirements and obtain arms legally. Liberals tend to acknowledge the failed economic policies of predecessors who enacted them on presumptuous and falsely based ideological reasons, and would love nothing more than to see all of the jobs that have been lost to such corporate giants such as Walmart, who utilize cheap labor in place of once well-paying jobs in America, restored to the American Heartland.

While Liberal Elitists have yet to find in the Bill of Rights "the right to eat meat fortified with antibiotics and preservatives that largely interrupt human biological functions in gruesomely large and unnecessary portions, sometimes at 2 am in portions that largely exclude any actual meat and only artificial filler", Elitists acknowledge this right exists, but aim to educate those who do so that according to scientific research, it will probably give you a wide ranging set of diseases that is preventable. In the instances where those do not acknowledge that such threats are real, Liberal Elitists have devised a plan that makes the health care costs of dealing with such side effects and the impending diseases affordable for all. Liberal Elitists also recognize other health benefits of vegetarianism, such as longer life and better sexual health. Ahh, reading the news on my hand held device next to my partner before rolling over and having a 1 (or 2 if its the weekend) hour romp that leads to multiple pleasures, without running out of breath or being squashed by a gut full of emulsifiers, industrial grade binders or bromelin.

Most Liberal Elitists are educated at left-wing anti-American hate schools like Stanford University, UC Berkeley, and the many other Liberal Elitist training camps located in the most liberal "state" in the country, California.

Prominent Liberal Elitists include John Kerry, Labcoat Larry, Judith Miller, Barack Obama, and Michael Moore.

Elitists are the type of people Real Americans have been warning us about since the beginning of the republic. America has always been the land of the free, home of the brave and a nation of do-it-your-self, God-fearing Christian independents, who have never needed the help from anyone else, especially someone who thinks with their head and not with their gut.

Many Liberal Elitists have come across mind altering substances such as marijuana while away from home pursuing their academic endeavors. Many Liberal Elitists use the drug to heighten their experiences and expand their minds in order to learn new things. Liberal Elitists can only assume that middle American non-elitists are using drugs such as methamphetamine in order to stay up for days and absorb as much new information as is readily available to them, spending days scouring libraries and microfilm for new found information in the same always-wanting-to-know-more sort of way. And hey, crystal method cookers are like little chemist-liberal-elitist wannabees anyway, they just never got their schoolin in how to do something productive and beneficial for society.

Most Liberal Elitists are educated. They will continue to learn how to write cursive, unlike schools in Indiana. Liberal Elitists may call this injection of the uber dumbed down into society "survival of the fittest". If you went to a school in a Republican state that does not teach evolution, look it up.

How To Spot An ElitistEdit

Elitists are characterized by their fancy-pantsed demeanor, appearance, speech, beliefs and actions. Everyone knows this attitude is anti-American, since Americans are all equal from birth^[1] making the elitist's attitude about themselves contrary to America's Constitution.

DemeanorEdit

The most obvious quality which defines the elitist is the way they think they're better than everyone else.The most obvious quality which defines the elitist is the way they think. This may come across as a person who exudes ease and confidence.They may be signing autographs one minute, and off rescuing journalists from a North Korean internment camp the next, without spilling a drop of Dos Equis.

AppearanceEdit

Politician Liberal Elitists are not known to sport the red "power" tie like the better Republicans. They wear the less powerful blue, as a sort of message that while they feel they're better than everyone else, they don't wish to shout it. The tie is paried with a dark grey suit and an equally grey full head of hair. Strong jawlines are common.

Politician Liberal Elitists usually have less of a closeted gay cheating on my wife with a male hooker look and have better tans.

Liberal Elitists who are not politicians try to appear as though they care not about how they look to the general public. Slouchy jeans and ironic shirts are popular.

Professors are a happy medium between the two. Interestingly enough, they feel as though dressing like a politician liberal elitist is to appear conservative, so they ditch the tie and wear slacks and collared shirts. They are balding in most cases and usually have some glasses perched on their nose.

Elitists clip their toe-nails.

SpeechEdit

Liberal Elitists approve of free speech and debate based on reality, but hypocritically do not approve of free speech based on truthiness and make-believe. They also harbor a burning hatred for talk radio (Except Air America).

BeliefsEdit

They believe that Keith Olbermann is a fair and unbiased (as opposed to Fair and balanced) journalist. They believe that there is good in everyone, even terrorists and Democrats.

ActionsEdit

Types of ElitistsEdit

NerdsEdit

Nerds are the type of elitist who spends all day studying. Whether in a classroom^[2] or reading a book or an internets tube, the nerd brand of elitist is always seeking more "knowledge" so they can use it against the well-established beliefs of regular Americans.

The nerd type of elitist can also be sub-divided into its many species:

• scientist nerds
• professor nerds

Know-It-AllsEdit

ExpertsEdit

Experts begin as normal people who work in a field -professionally or academically- for a long time. Inevitably, they will gain symptoms of Elitism such as knowledge, experience, and perspective. Other tragic results of Expertise can include:

1. Anti-Corporatism (aka Anti-Americanism)
2. Socialism (aka Communism)
3. Peacefulness (aka Communism)
4. Activism (aka Communism)
5. Questioning Authority (aka Terrorism)

(please add to this list)

BureaucratsEdit

Fancy-PantsersEdit

Famous Liberal ElitistsEdit

Mahmoud Ahmadi-Bearack-Sadam-Hussein-Osama-Obama-YoMama-nejahd is an ElitistEdit

Mahmoud Ahmadi-Bearack-Sadam-Hussein-Osama-Obama-YoMama-nejahd is an Elitist. Nobody knows why. It's just how it is. Although he was never born with wealth, prosperity, or guaranteed Yale degrees like people Jesus loves, Mahmoud Ahmadi-Bearack-Sadam-Hussein-Osama-Obama-YoMama-nejahd will destroy what this country stands for, the American Dream, by actually making it a reality. If this evil elitism isn't stopped, the oil companies will stop making record profits and the terrorists will win.

FootnotesEdit

1. ↑ Except if you're black or a woman
2. ↑ Not a homeclassroom, but one outside the home, likely in a public school classroom

"Liberal Elitist"
is a part of Wikiality.com's dictionary, "Watch What You Say". For the full dictionary, click here.