Serial Killer
From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia
Serial Killers are members of the Blame America First Crowd who take out their rage by killing three or more Americans over a period of time. Serial Killers never learn to trust their guts, and therefore, are led astray from anything and everything that exhibits truthiness. Although Labcoat Larrys would like us to believe that it is uncertain how Serial Killers are made, we know better. Serial Killers are the tragic result of science gone awry coupled with years of parental neglect. And liberals. Something to do with liberals.
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[edit] Development
No true American ever intends to create Serial Killers. Instead, a terrible, terrible series of unfortunate events result in the formation of a Serial Killer. The first step occurs if a scientist inadvertently mixes test tube baby goo with fava beans. Although this horrific mistake creates a fava bean abomination with a predilection to kill, this volatile fava bean mixture does not, in of itself, result in a Serial Killer.
Next, prior to changing into a Serial Killer, a fava bean abomination must have a steady diet of liberal parenting to teach them to Blame America First. Still, though, the transformation to Serial Killer is incomplete.
The transformation to Serial Killer is completed when liberal parents abandon their Blame America First abomination at home so that the abomination becomes a latchkey kid. Left alone at home to their own devices, and never having learned to trust their guts, Serial Killers develop a hatred for America and a love for flesh.
[edit] Childhood Characteristics
Some Serial Killers display one or more of what are known as the "McDonald's triad" [1] of warning signs in childhood. These are:
- The insatiable love of French Fries and McFlesh.
- No heart.
- A desire to join the Democratic Party
- Weird Accents
[edit] Reforming Serial Killers: The French Connection
- Ironically, although the French don't like killing people in war, they have no problems with trying to help Serial Killers. This is because the French hate the Baby Jesus and Americans.
- The cowardly French are not exhibiting bravery by dealing with Serial Killers: Serial Killers pose no threat to the French because, by definition, Serial Killers only kill Americans.
- The French believe that a steady diet of French Cheese and Jerry Lewis movies will reform Serial Killers into non-killing Surrender Monkeys.
- The French have never been successful in reforming a Serial Killer. Not surprisingly, the efforts of the French only result in teaching Serial Killers to hate Americans even more.
- In truthiness, it is impossible to reform a Serial Killer. Once a Serial Killer, always a Serial Killer. There is only one sure way to take care of Serial Killers.
[edit] Famous Serial Killers
- Hillary Clinton. Arguably the worst Serial Killer in the world. She, as many people know, has a steady diet of puppies, babies, and Bibles (the Good Book is a person too!) Every murder in the world can be linked to her. She's the Zodiac too. Don't question, just believe it.
- Anthony Hopkins, a Hollywood liberal and Serial Killer.
- The guy who got shot and subsequently caused all of those American deaths during World War I.
- Researchers who work with Stem Cells. How do you think that they are able to obtain all of those stem cells?
- James Lipton, a well-known Baby-eater. Lipton is also famous for writing "An Exaltation of Lats." Lipton was Noam Chomsky's favorite student, and loves drinking the tea named after him with a dash of blood.
- Lord Voldemort. 'Nuff said.
- BOB, of Twin Peaks, Washington. Bob is partial to walks on the beach, Bears, and appearing unannounced in nightmares. Bob is attracted to creamed corn, but do not worry: truthiness is Bob's Kryptonite!
- John Edwards. He murders someone every day in a Satanic ritual.
- Bill Clinton. He kills thousands and thousands of interns daily after, well, ya know.
[edit] Examples of Non-Serial Killers
- The Quaker Oats Man is not a Serial Killer. In fact, he loves cereal.
- The Internets have never intentionally killed anybody. Try not to get too close to the tubes of the Internets, however, or you might fall in.
- Abortion Clinic Bombers listen to their guts to perform God's work, nixo-facto, they are not Serial Killers.
- Hurricanes are delightful storms that sometimes kill in order to show God's concern for us.
- The Greatest President Ever. Imposing and upholding the death penalty on criminals helps make God's Country a better place.
- Clowns. These smiling jesters are as American as Apple Pie. They can turn the world on with their smiles.
