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Alphonso Jackson
serves at the pleasure of
the President of the United States
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Coalition
of Black Friends

Secretary Alphonso Jackson is the head of the Department of Hip-Hop, and one of President Bush's Black Friends. Bush loves all his Black Friends including Condoleeza Rice. Secretary Jackson was one of the original Jackson Five, but then he was adopted by the GOP, groomed for politics, and put on the fast track to become a Token GOP Black Politician.

Alphonsojackson

Jackson is constantly writing new rhymes in his head.





Jackson announced his resignation effective April 18, 2008, in order to spend more time with his family.

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There are times when one must attend more diligently to personal and family matters. Now is such a time for me.
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~ Alphonso Jackson, March 31, 2008


Duties

African-American Jackson has many responsibilities in the White House. They range from co-sponsoring the Department Scratching and Mix Tapes to reading the White House's stance on Urban Development to the cameras. His current list of responsibilities are as follows:

Writing Dope Rhymes

Tokenjackson

Jackson accepting the surrender of rival Hip-Hop artist in what is known as a "freestyle rap battle".

A major duty Jackson (black) is given is writing dope rhymes for the President. He is the President's Prime Rhyme Master, and the President often calls on his services. He typically collaborates with Colbert favorite, Jay-Z. This is not a problem for the black cabinet member because he, as most black people do, normally speaks in the hippity-hop rhyme language. This is how Stephen, who does not see color, can tell that a new Black Friend is black[1].

Example of Jackson's Skillz

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" I'm the real Jackson, Thank you for axin,' I'm so pleased to meet ya, Can I offer you some pizza?"
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~ Jackson


Approving all new Hippity-Hop Music

Ajacksonwait

Jackson about to put the Smack-Down on the Liberal Press.

The Liberal Media is always demanding that new hippity-hop songs be released.[2] This also falls into the African-American lap of Secretary Jackson. Being the head of the Department of Hip-Hop[3], he must approve of every Hip-Hop song to be released, making sure it meets stringent guidelines and benchmarks. He also assures that they aren't a threat to the Department Housing and Urban Development. African-American Jackson also does his part to fight Terrorism. All National Security threats detected in hippity-hop are filtered from Jackson (black) through The Department of Homeland Security anti-terror division, subdivision "music', adjunct division "hip-hop", department "Scary Things in Hip-Hop Music Not Related to "Drugs"[4], "Cop-Killin'"[5], "Ho's"[6], or "The Streets".


Filing

Jackson, Black Secretary, does what many Secretaries do, filing. And in this category he is a Secretary of incredible caliber. He is well versed in the alphabet and quite skilled at putting things in order. He got his filing claim to fame when presented with the "Juan Rodriguez Problem of 2005"[7]. When filing, he encountered two people both named "Juan Enrique Rodriguez III". The problem is obvious: which goes first? African-American Secretary Jackson came up with the landmark solution of alphabetizing people with the same name in order of their mother's maiden name.
It is quick thinking like this that makes Jackson (black) the great Secretary he is today.

Head Shaving

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NAMB VP contemplates licking Jackson all over. As a Token Black Politican, Jackson loves this kind of attention.

Even the hardworking African-American Secretary needs time for recreation. Jackson finds inner peace and tranquility in the fine art of head shaving. First he applies a gentle pre-shave lotion, followed by a caressing shaving cream. This is left to sit for 4-6 minutes. Jackson then, using his Mach 5 razor, with great joy, shaves his head against the grain. This is not only fun, it also helps the President tell him and Condoleezza Rice (also black) apart, so it is a duty as well.

Dealing with Applicants

Most of the day Secretary Jackson (black) reviews applications for government supported housing and listens to mix tapes. Part of the job of the Secretary of Hip-Hop is to find beautiful government housing for rising hip-hop stars. The President believes that we need a constant influx of new and exotic hip-hop music. Under the guidance and leadership of President Bush, a place has been created where hip-hop artists and their art form can be nurtured without having to worry about the day to day struggles of life. Unfortunately, not all rising stars have the talent needed to succeed.[8] It is the Black Secretary's job to filter out who is deserving of THE HUD (government housing/rap star palace's) and who must go live in the suburbs. He makes this decision based on applications, letters of reference, and the mix tape. Sometimes applicants who are denied can get violent.[9] Luckily for Jackson, he is well equipped to put the Smack-Down on any young upstarts, both physically and lyrically. Typically it doesn't need to come to blows or bullets because of African-American Jackson's extreme lyrical prowess. He simply utters a crippling and ego bruising rhyme and the applicant drops to the floor, completely lost for words. He recently shamed one applicant, who expressed the concern that Jackson (black) didn't have the authority to deny admission to HUD housing based on a "lyrically lacking" mix tape, with this scathing rhyme:

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Brother, you are disconnected — the president is elected, I was selected and now you are rejected....word"
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~ to an applicant for Government Housing


Being Funny

Nambjackson

Jackson grabbing ass of Vice President of NAMB (Naked Always with My Blackman). Later on a night of rough sex and food.

Though it seems that Jackson (black) has many duties that keep him quite busy, he always has time for more. One of the duties of Black Politician Jackson is to be wacky and funny for the President. President Bush loves Carlton from "That Fresh Prince Show" and adopted Jackson to fill that role in his life. When Bush feels lonely Jackson is called in to execute (Bush loves things 'well executed', as he should!) a well scripted series of antics. It often cheers him right up, especially after a rough evening with Putin. A popular skit is when Jackson gets a blue collar job to prove he can fit in with the common man. This makes milk routinely come out of Bush's nose.




Position In Line of Succession

GWBushRubAJackson

Good boy

If the President were to die[10](which he won't, he is protected by the Hand of God), and eight more people who are in line for the Presidency die with him,[11] Jackson will become President of the US. In the United States Presidential Line of Succession he is 9th. Jackson never ever wants this to happen because he is a True American™.

Fun Facts

  • kissable bald black head
  • champion pinochle player
  • doesn't like 'soul food'
  • He likes George Bush... In more ways than you think.

Footnotes

  1. This is not entirely true though. Stephen also finds his Black Friends by using his gut.
  2. From time to time the Liberal Media gets to uppity and Jackson has to put the Smack-Down on them.
  3. an abbreviated version of the correct word hippity-hop created by the multi-syballic impaired.
  4. Which are covered by a multilevel bureaucracy and the Dept. of ATF.
  5. Cop Killin' is unAmerican. The Police are one of our Lines Of Defense against terrorism
  6. A confectionary delight usually coming in packages of two. When paired they are referred to as Ho-Hos.
  7. With out his quick thinking, the Government might have come to a complete standstill. For this we owe the Black Secretary "Much Props".
  8. See Lil'Flip
  9. In one particular instance with Ice Cube (hip-hop star from the frozen north) Jackson deftly disarmed the Icey Cube before he could use his AK. That was a particularly good day for Jackson (black).
  10. The very idea that President Bush could die is a lie spread by The Liberal Media. When Bush's earthly work is done, he will ascend to Heaven surrounded by Divine Light.
  11. There is no way in which that could happen. They are all protected by the Hand of God. This is obviously seen in the fact that Bush and all of his Blessed affiliates are still alive

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