ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

The Second Coming of Christ is nigh. We know that Jesus Christ's return is immineent because the world is rife with sin and as in the time of Noah and the flood, God will not sit idly by while the secularists and liberals destroy the moral fiber of America. It has been prophesied (See:Bible) that at the end times (now), God shall send his only begotten son to Earth so that he may sit in judgment of mankind and not the sort of judgment handed down by activist judges, but the judgment that comes from an only child whose dad created the totality of existence.

Many non-Christians view the end of the world as a bad thing. While these non-Christians are content to eventually go to Hell, they would prefer to stay alive as this allows them the opportunity to spread the infection of liberalism to those who would otherwise be granted access to Heaven. Some non-Christians say that those who believe in Christ's Second Coming are contributing to a self fulfilling prophecy, and that if belief in God was suspended, such forecasts of Armageddon and Apocalypse due to religious belief would disappear and people would work for a better life on Earth rather than have a fatalistic attitude towards the world's future. This is of course anti-Christian propaganda as the world is a sinful place and Heaven is waiting for those who believe that Christ will return.

While most Christians, such as Catholics will be raptured into Heaven, some cults (See: Lutherans) who claim the title of being Christian will be sent to Hell along with all the other non-Christians. This, of course, is all well and good as these lost souls are evil. To feel pity or remorse for them is as meaningless as feeling bad for what happens to the animals in a slaughterhouse. Even if you should entertain the smallest amount of concern for those who end up in Hell, take solace in the fact that these vile creatures don't feel emotions or pain like real people and that they'll enjoy Hell, otherwise they would have given their mortal life to Christ's teachings.

Once in Heaven, you'll be having too much fun to pay any attention as to whether some friends and family members are missing, besides, Jesus is the best friend you could ever have and if your family didn't make the VIP list, they probably sucked anyway.

Signs of Jesus's Imminent Return Edit

• The rise of atheism, Islamofascism and the bear population
• A Congress controlled by the Democrats
• Gay Marriage and/or civil unions, well, pretty much all things Gay
• Stem Cell Research
• You masturbating so much
• Keith Olbermann's ratings spike
• The Buffalo Bills ever getting to the Superbowl
• A losing season for the Saginaw Spirit
• Jews taking over Israel (not that there's anything wrong with that!)
• Churchs arming themselves. [1]

Prophets of the Apocalypse Edit

• George W. Bush
• Fred Phelps
• Jerry Falwell
• Pat Robertson
• Ted Haggard

See AlsoEdit

• Lord's Gym