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Cults

$cientology Lutheranology Bearism Wikipedism Jewism Utah's Marriage Cult Moo-slim That Pasta-based "Religion" SubGeniism India's Dot "Religion" China's Fat-Guy "Religion" Voo-doo That Goth-chick "Religion" Madonna's Jew-ism Liberalism Wu-Tang Clan Bonoschtapo Hippie Crap 1337 Meteorology

People Who Are in Cults

Katie Holmes Will Smith Tom Cruise Kool-Aid Drinkers The Baby Satan

You are either in or you're out. It's rough and tumble. It's wild and wooly but I'll tell you it's a blast. It is fun.

~Tom Cruise

on Scientology

$cientology is a dangerous cult created by L. Ron Hubbard in order to prove his assertion that the weak-minded Hollywood glitterati will believe anything as long as it comes out the talk-hole of a pretty entertainer and has nothing to do with God. Many critics believe that Scientology is by far Hubbard's greatest work of science fiction.

Its sole purpose is to give Hollywood elitists like Tom Cruise and John Travolta a pedestal from which to attempt to destroy America. It is in truthiness and truth a cult, not a church. The only true church was formed by The Baby Jesus, way before Hubbard even thought of inventing a church to win a bar bet.

Contents 1 Riding Stephen's Coattails 2 Meaning of "$cientology" 3 $cientology's Interest In Government 4 Beliefs 4.1 Study of History 4.2 Antipathy toward Corporations and Big Business 4.3 Dieting 4.4 Antipathy toward the Retarded 4.5 Attitude Toward People Who Are Not $cientologists 4.5.1 "Fair Game" Policy 5 Structure of Cult 6 Requirements of $cientologists 7 Example of Beliefs 7.1 $cientology Wedding Ceremony 7.2 Psychiatry Kills! 8 Countries That Are part of Xenu's Federation 9 Famous $cientologists 10 Phrases $cientology Recommends That You Not Google 11 See Also 12 Links for Notes 13 External Tubes

Riding Stephen's CoattailsEdit

Mr. Hubbard unabashedly admitted that he was influenced by Dr. Colbert, using imagery and philosophy strikingly similar to truthiness.

Hubbard's bible, Dianetics, was promoted using the exact same volcanic explosive imagery that Dr. Colbert used to promote I Am America (And So Can You!)

Hubbard also tried to make $cientology a cult of personality, similar to The Colbert Nation.

Eventually Hubbard even tried to sue everyone, just as Stephen did after he found out Hubbard was copying everything he did.

Meaning of "$cientology" Edit

The word "$cientology" literally means "the study of truth," which is not to be confused with truthiness. In fact, $cientology has as much to do with truthiness as the Democratic Party has to do with loving America.

$cientology's Interest In GovernmentEdit

• A memo written by John Coale, member of $cientology, husband to Fox newscasteratrix, Greta Van Susteren and adviser to Alaska's Great White Hope, Sarah Palin.

Mr. Van Susterin Coale created a political action committee dedicated to the goals and purposes of $cientology. Despite its name, FLAGG PAC (Freedom, Liberty and Good Government Political Action Committee), do not be deterred; it has nothing to do with fags. Hopefully, FLAGG will do everything it can to get Palin into office and ask for nothing in return.

Beliefs Edit

In the beginning, which is sometime before the God's Country was created, there were aliens that sucked peanut butter and truthiness out of things. A large raft filled with these aliens, which was navigated by the largest alien, Xenu, crossed the border and snuck into a volcano on America's Planet. The aliens proceeded to blow themselves up using a tube from the internet.

The aliens spread like a disease in Hollywood. The Hollywood elite believe that these aliens reside in their bodies and that they need to get rid of them by playing lots of Wii and giving the ghost of L. Ron their cash.

Study of HistoryEdit

As suggested above, $cientologists love the study of history, and as the Hollywood elite, they believe they know history better than anybody.

“You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do."

~ Tom Cruise

To prove how extensive his knowledge of the history of psychiatry is, Mr. Cruise proceeded to demonstrate an entire year's progression for a person suffering from untreated bipolar disorder in less time it takes for Matt Lauer to call for a commercial break.

Antipathy toward Corporations and Big BusinessEdit

$cientologists have adopted an anti-medication agenda because they hate the big businesses that profit from medications.

"I still think that if you analyze most of the school shootings...It is psychotropic medications at the bottom of it."

~ John Travolta

Mr. Travolta also believes that the spread of homosexuality can be prevented through the practice of a specialized $cientological thetan suppression technique called "denial". Clearly in his case this hasn't worked out too well.

DietingEdit

Because $cientologists believe that they are infested with aliens that want to suck peanut butter out of them, $cientologists believe that one of the main ways to eliminate the aliens is to diet.

"Have you called Jenny?"

~ Kirstie Alley

Antipathy toward the RetardedEdit

For some reason, $cientologists hate the retarded. Perhaps $cientologists are jealous of their brain power.

"There are no criminals, except the mentally disabled"

~ L Ron Hubbard, "The Special Zone Plan", Understanding issue 27, 1960

Attitude Toward People Who Are Not $cientologistsEdit

"Fair Game" Policy Edit

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Structure of CultEdit

The Church Cult of $cientology is run by a Christ-like figure who recruits young men to the ranks of $cientology and presides over all of the $cientology ceremonies. In 2007, Tom Cruise, a 183 year-old Hobbit from the planet of Uranus, was proclaimed the "Christ of the $cientology." Cruise's $cientology agenda is to banish psychiatry to the far reaches of outer space. Cruise, with the help of his "Apostles" from Hollywood, like David Beckham and John Travolta, plan to convert all men to $cientology and stuff.

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Requirements of $cientologistsEdit

Cruise needs plenty of money to accomplish his goals, so $cientologists worldwide are required to work regular jobs and give their money to the church cult. Truly devoted followers are also asked to run lemonade stands and sell diet-related books on weekends to provide additional funds.

Many $cientologists also work with the liberal media machine to attempt to convey their ideologies to the unwashed masses.

Most $cientologists sign a contract to work for the cult for 2 billion years or until the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard returns to Earth, whichever comes first. What $cientologists do not realize is that the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard returned to Earth years ago and is now inhabiting the bodies of Tom Cruise (40% occupancy), Kinky Friedman (10% occupancy), and Paris Hilton (42% occupancy). The other 8% of the time Hubbard oscillates between a state of infinite bliss and living in a cardboard box in the Davenport Iowa Super-K parking lot.

Example of BeliefsEdit

$cientology Wedding CeremonyEdit

As president of $cientology, it is Tom Cruise's job to pick a "bride" for a $cientologist groom. (Most male $cientologists prefer not to be married, at least to a bride, but are instructed to do so in order to better fit in.) As official "bride picker" Cruise usually looks for a female who enjoys lots of money, doesn't care about a loveless marriage, and will not speak out to the media about the groom's "secrets."

On the wedding day, Cruise introduces the bride and groom to each other for the first time. Cruise officiates the wedding where the bride and groom stand at an altar and hold hands. This is the first and usually only time that the bride and groom will ever touch.

Cruise physically examines the bride and groom to inspect for aliens residing within. Cruise then spanks the groom three times with a frying pan. Finally, Cruise asks the bride and groom whether they hate America and the Baby Jesus, and if they reply "I do," they are married.

In addition, when Admiral says to key-out your tech, every tech must key-out their tech so that it is as low-toned as Admiral's tech. Got that? Good.[1]

Psychiatry Kills!Edit

All $cientologists are aware of the glibness inherent in psychology. Because they are familiar with the history of psychiatry and you are covered in thetans, all $cientologists are qualified to measure your glibness using their patented tin-can e-meter.

Countries That Are part of Xenu's FederationEdit

• Germany
• France
• The Series of Tubes[2]

Famous $cientologistsEdit

• Tom Cruise and his "wife"
• John Travolta and his "wife"
• That lady from Cheers
• everybody on American Idol
• Just about everybody else in Hollywood
• NASCAR driver Cole Trickle
• Will Smith (Maybe. You'd think that Agent J could fight them off...) (if he ever wants to see his kids again, he damn well better be)
• Billy Sheehan
• A New York butcher
• Queen Latifah
• Charles Manson
• Stephen Colbert^{Episode #360}
• Gwen Stefani
• Jennifer Lopez and her "husband" whatshisname

Phrases $cientology Recommends That You Not GoogleEdit

• "scientology prison camp"
• Lisa McPherson
• Freewinds and Asbestos

See AlsoEdit

• SS Space Yacht
• Xenu
• The Baby Xenu
• Hollywood
• Persecution Complex
• A Thetan-Free Holiday List (which certainly doesn't include February 10th)

Links for NotesEdit

• [3]
• [4]
• [5]
• [6]
• [7]
• Vocabulary
• Orientation video, Alt video link, Award video
• The Fishman Affidavit
• [8]
• [9]
• [10]
• [11]
• [12]
• LA Times expose
• kids in the cult
• St. Petersburg Times 2009 Three-part Series

External TubesEdit

• Tour $cientology's Psychiatry Museum
• "The Un-funny Truth About $cientology"
• "Lex Luthor > $cientology"
• "Information about $cientology in general"
• Official $cientology™ Link
• Let Everyone Know You're A $cientologist Bumper $ticker!
• BBC Panorama Show On $cientology
• The Official Xenu Directory, everything you ever wanted to know about $cientology!
• 1934 Book It Was Not Based On
• Tax exemption Information
• Official Bastard Children Webtube!
• Scientology Orientation (Bootleg Video) Located in Onion Nation beyond the reach of Scientology
• Evil Psychiatrists planned 9/11
• Scientology wins case!
• Promotional material for Dianetics!
• Scientology in Australia
• $cientology rescues little girl from being brainwashed by authorities