A redneck is the embodiment of all that is great about Caucasians in America.
Rednecks are content with being left alone. Their lack of understanding for people of difference comes from indoctrination at a small age.
Bill Hicks(comedian, philosopher) was a southerner from Texas who had a huge disdain for rednecks and called them an embarrassment to the South. His critiques were detailed and informed having grown up around them.
How The Rednecks Have SufferedEdit
Their oppressions are numerous but include:
Forced from their home land into trailer parks.Edit
Worse still, trailer parks are being turned into metrosexual/liberal condos in many parts of this great country. Soon herds of displaced rednecks will be forced to roam the country, foraging for cheap beer, porn, and guns. Ultimately they could be deemed a "nuisance" by rich Democrats and culled.
Arkansas, a major cultural center for redneckism, has the lowest literacy rate in America. Surely this travesty has much to do with the vast left-wing conspiracy holding back the searing collective intellect of the redneck.
You've all heard about Rednecks making moonshine, well that's not all they make. Their evil liberal and environmentalist overlords force them to produce beer, wine, champagne, and other forms of alcohol that regular Americans enjoy for such cheap prices. And do the rednecks benefit at all from this profit? Hell NO!!!, all the money is unfairly taken away from them and used to fund the Democrat Party.
There's way to many stereotypes of rednecks going around about them being stupid and inbreeding, which are absolutely not true.
Destruction of Their Holy TempleEdit.
Long ago the Redneck King Floyd built a mighty and beautiful temple to serve as the center of religious activity for the redneck nation. All the rednecks loved and cherished their temple and would all gather together to worship God at this holy place, but later the Holy Temple was burned down by evil liberals and the red nation was devastated by the loss of their most holy relic. Many rednecks want to rebuild their temple but they can't because the Dome Of The Clinton now stands where their holy temple once stood. In order to rebuild they'd have to tear down the Dome, but doing so would create a massive war between them and the liberals. In the mean time, rednecks instead go to the Reynolds Razorback Football Stadium to conduct their holy worship, and it will remain this way until their Holy Temple is rebuilt or if the Razorback Stadium is also destroyed by the God-Hating liberals.
The Illegal Sex TradeEdit
Now lets face it, redneck women are just plain hot. And any man who sees one instantly wants to "git 'er done". That's why all those sick, twisted UN perverts keep coming to Arkansas and raiding their villages and stealing their women and children. After kidnapping them, the UN sickos then use the captured rednecks to fulfill their every wish and desire that they can possibly think of. Ain't they sick! Then once they get tired of them and find new redneck women and children to terrorize, they then ship them south of the border to Mexico where the poor rednecks get their lives controlled and dictated by evil Mexican Pimps and Drug Lords. But don't worry, for it is prophesied that a new redneck named Billy-Bob-Moses and his trusty dog Old Yeller will one day rise up against Pimps and Drug Lords and lead his people to freedom. He will have a magical wooden stick that came to him in a burning bush of marijuana and the stick will be able to turn into a Chevrolet Corvette, and with the stick Billy-Bob-Moses will be able to do many miracles to rescue his people, including dividing the waters of the Gulf of Mexico so that the rednecks can walk across safely over to America and escape from the evil Mexican Drug Lord's army.
Contributions Rednecks Have Made To SocietyEdit
The Truth is that Rednecks are truly intelligent and special people. Without them we wouldn't be able to live the great lifestyle that we do today. Their contributions are enormous and as numerous as the stars themselves but their most important ones are:
- Firearms. Now that's important to all rednecks, they need them to protect themselves because you never know when a bunch of stupid liberals come at once, grouchy history teacher, or a UN pervert might come crawling around.(MOST REDNECKS USE FISTS UNLESS THERE'S A BUNCH MESSED UP LIBERALS AT ONCE)
- Nascar. But not just Nascar itself, but the entire automobile industry can be associated with the Rednecks
- George W. Bush. Enough said.
- The True English Language. Not to be confused American English or British English, this is the original English which sadly is now only still spoken in the South.
- Bill Clinton. But the rednecks are deeply ashamed of this and truly regret it . Bill is nothing but a traitor who chose to join sides with the liberals and the rednecks have shunned him from their society.
- Alcohol. This shouldn't be confused with all the negative side effects though. Because rednecks are smart people and know not to over drink. But this really isn't a problem for them though since they are better than everyone else in that God made them genetically immune to all the side effects of alcohol. So they can safely drink as much as they want and not have a single care in the world about getting drunk.
- Lynyrd Skynyrd. A true example of redneck intelligence and talent at work.
- Border Patrol. After losing so many of their women and children to the Mexican Pimps and Drug Lords, the rednecks have sworn to fight against them in whatever way they can.
- The Holy Bible. This is the inspired word of God, which was recorded by the rednecks after God spoke it to them.
- Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and all other famous legal documents. Only the genius of a redneck mind could have ever created this stuff. Your history teachers at school may tell you otherwise and say that it was people like Thomas Jefferson who wrote these things. But don't listen to them, they're just liars and are part of the ACLU, which means that they're out to get you. The truth is that Thomas Jefferson and the other people that the evil AHTU (American History Teachers Union) claim wrote these things were indeed good people who truly loved their country, but they did not write these things. Instead they plagiarized them from ancient redneck documents.
- Legislation against Plagiarism. The rednecks were pretty pissed off after having some of their greatest work plagiarized by Thomas Jefferson. (Read contribution number 10 for more details)
- Heterosexuality. The rednecks were smart and knew that it's important for men and women to get married and then have babies, or else the human race wouldn't continue to exist anymore.
- Superb Parenting Techniques. Unlike most children in America, redneck children are never rude, they don't talk back to grown ups, and they aren't drugged up on Ritalin. This is all because of the redneck parents' "Kick the kid's ass" philosophy. Without it, their kids wouldn't grow up to be the fine respectable individuals which they are today.
- Walmart. Walmart is all that still remains of the once mighty Holy Redneck Empire. Today it lies dormant waiting for the arrival of its new master who with the power of Walmart will lead the rednecks and the rest of the world in the final battle against the dark forces of the Antichrist.
- Larry the Cable Guy. Proving to the entire world that there is nothing funnier or more American than hating gays, Jews and foreigners.
- Jake Knotts Jake Knotts is the voice of all Rednecks and has promised that he wont be silent until the mooslim tyrant leaves the White House
- Which is all basically summed up to this.... Rednecks have contributed absolutely NOTHING of value to Society! Unless Rednecks being "Comedy Gold" counts.
Misconceptions About The RedneckEdit
There are none! They are portrayed exactly as they are. Stereotypes and generalizations do NOT apply in this case.
How to Spot a RedneckEdit
- Owns a four-wheel drive pickup.
- Only drinks Busch, Bud Light or Natural Light.
- Has more cars in his front yard that don't run than cars that do run.
- Has a gun rack and/or Rebel Flag in the back of his truck.
- Knows every word to "Folsom Prison Blues"
- Has a Mullet
- Doesn't know the rules of grammar or punctuation.
- Smokes Marlboro Reds on alternating Fridays.
- Smokes American Spirit Cigarettes the rest of the time. (Soft-pack Only)
- Regularly sits in a lawn chair in his driveway or dirt access route.
- Loves to say or hear the words "you might be a redneck if..."
- Most likely to name one of their kids "might be a redneck"
- rednecks support marriage