For all questions about Who or What may be Gay, please see: The Gay Spectrum For hooking up in public bathrooms, please see: Gay Signals

I have no problem with gay people, except for my many problems with gay people.

~ Stephen Colbert

The Colbert Report June 16, 2006

The Gays are the single greatest crazy^[1] threat facing God's Law, God's Love, America, God's America, American Culture, The American Family, The American Dream, The American Language, America's God and Stephen Colbert today, besides bears. By definition, the gays are Godless America-hating liberal heathens. What kind of people would steal such beautiful words as "gay" and "fag" and define themselves with it?!

At the same time, gayness is the single greatest asset to God's American Republican Party, because they never fail to get panicky idiots Real Americans all riled up and ready to vote, just in time to Protect Marriage anew with each election cycle.

Despite what some Labcoat Larrys might tell you, being gay is a choice. People choose to be gay so they can wear the trendiest fashions, go to the coolest nightclubs, and be mercilessly persecuted for the rest of their lives.

Contents 1 Defining Gay 2 Etymology 3 Religious Positions on Homosinuality 4 Gay Sex in All its GORY details 5 The Gay Menace 5.1 Homosexual Agenda 5.2 Gay Language 5.3 Gay Politics 5.4 Gay Culture 5.5 Gay Marriage 5.6 Gay Adoption 5.7 Gay Pets 5.8 Gay Bullying 5.9 Gay Civil Rights 5.10 Spawns of Satan: (Gay Babies) 5.11 Gay Cavemen 5.12 Gay Candy 6 What Can Be Done About The Gays? 6.1 Correctly Identifying A Gay 6.2 Send them back to where they came from. 6.3 Curing Gayness 6.4 Catching Gayness 6.5 God's Love 6.6 Ex-Gay 6.7 NARTH 6.8 Gaydar 6.9 Gay Bashing 6.10 Gay Licenses 7 But Are They Real? 8 Gay Series of Tubes 9 Common Misperceptions about Gaiety 10 Homofactuals 11 Bisexuals 12 See Also 13 Notes 14 External Gay Tubes

Defining GayEdit

“Hard Gay” terrorizing the Japanese people…

• Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
• NOT Our Troops.
• A transitive property.
• NOT your daddy. Fathers are never gay.
• The other white meat.
• Slang for homosapien.
• People who aren't married. Ideally they should be herded into Taxachusetts.
• The wrong choice.
• A group of sophisticated, urban It-getters famous for being the first to adopt new trends.
• Former Governor Jim McGreevey.
• My interior designer.
• Peter Pan
• Your son who plays with dolls.
• Like drinking lattes.
• Say "geez".
• Making furniture (see Shaker).
• Anything Quaker
• That way too handsome man Megan Fox.
• Have sex with goats. yeah, I said it. They practice Beastiality with innocent goats.
• Watch Will and Grace.
• Eat babies.
• Alabama's Attorneys General.
• San Francisco.
• Hate America.
• closeted republican democratic.... heathen politicians of the north.
• Refuse to pray their gay away with Sarah Palin.
• If it is too gay for teevee then it is gay
• Trigonometry. It has to be gay, it was invented by Ancient Greeks.
• Barbarian. No wonder Conan the Barbarian looked so gay.

Did you know... ...according to this study, Stephen Colbert should be 233.33% gay? This just goes to show the fallacy of science

EtymologyEdit

Many people who use the word "gay" nowadays do not even know what it really means to be "gay". Literally, the word "gay" means a color - a color similar to that of pea soup, but with just a little more gray mixed in -- sort of a greenish-gray color: gay. This word gave rise to the popular expression in the 70s, "Man, that pea soup is so gay". Pretty soon, people started applying the word to other things as well, and then finally, to certain people who gave off a gay-colored aura in public. Sometime around 1980, people realized that these people couldn't exactly help the color of their auras, but still, nobody is really sure what exactly it is they do to get that way. This is actually one of the most crucial problems facing our time.

Religious Positions on HomosinualityEdit

• "In Vatican parlance, that means too gay to be a priest." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2005

• "On Tuesday, Pope Benedict released his first major policy initiative. An instruction that states men with deep seated homosexual tendencies could not be priests. While those with transitory tendencies could be. Therefore proving the transitive property of gayness." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2005

• "Transitory means temporarily gay, like while you're stuck in prison (or traffic)." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2005

• "The Church has a simple rule. If you've had no homosexual encounters for 3 years or more, you can become a priest." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2005

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Gay Sex in All its GORY detailsEdit

by Nancy Elliot, politician, proudly representing the "citizens" of New Hampshire:

"...taking the penis of a man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wriggling it around in excrement.

~ Nancy Elliott

the pride of New Hampshire

The Gay MenaceEdit

         

Nothing is more dangerous than a triangle shaped shopping Leatherman.

~Well-Known Truthitician

Homosexual AgendaEdit

Did you know... Sharing a bench in the locker room is still the #1 way to catch gayness.

• Homosexual Agenda
• Velvet Mafia

Gay LanguageEdit

At some point around the Civil War, the gays got fed up with the leadership of the Confederacy and decided to riot because of something done by or to or because of the great Confederate General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson. No one really knows for sure what happened, but since then the gays have gone on and on about "After Stonewall," so it must have been big. Anyway, "After Stonewall," the gays decided that they didn't like being called "faggots" or "fairies" or "butt-munchers" anymore, and started making up their own crazy names for themselves. Like "gay." And the girl gays aren't "dykes" any more, they're "lesbians." Well, some of them are still "dykes." But if you don't know, you'd better stick with "Lesbian." "Lesbo" is not okay, ever, apparently.

Sometime in the 1980's, the fags and the lesbos got together and hatched a scheme to gay up the American language even more by inventing the word "homosexual." Now, with the help of the wordonistas, their homolexographical agenda is turning our dictionaries gay. That's why you can only trust your gut and not reference books.

An even more radical brand of gays call themselves "queer." We can't even go into what that means for fear it will corrupt any children who might accidentally read this.

see: *Feynglish

Gay PoliticsEdit

• 100 Hours
• Offensive Flag of Unity
• Gays in the Military

Gay CultureEdit

• NAMBLA
• Rainbow
• Gaylamofascism
• Tofu
• Gay Bears
• Their Telethon

Gay MarriageEdit

• Gay Marriage
• Gay Wedding
• Canadian Gay Marriage
• Slippery slope
• The Slippery Gay Slope

Gay AdoptionEdit

• Gay Adoption
• Who Will Think of The Children?
• Florida now exposing our children to the Gay lifestyle

Gay PetsEdit

• Sparky, The Gay Dog

Gay BullyingEdit

See, gay bullying is good for you. It makes you stronger (as long as you dont kill yourself)

• Not content with just taking away from our children the sacrosanct activity of bullying sissies to enhanced their own manhood; now they are trying to corrupt our children by allowing teh gey menace to flaunt their gayness into our children's faces without a heterosexual self-defense form.

Gay Civil RightsEdit

Teh Geys are not only a menace to white people and children, but now they are a threat to decent black folks, and Asians, and Jews! Civil Rights for teh geys? Shame on you gays, if you are not black or brown dont need Civil Rights. Civil Rights are for black people

Spawns of Satan: (Gay Babies)Edit

Everybody knows that gay people cant have babies... wrong! They can have babies, thanks to the sinful abomination known as science! These Spawns of Satan are a demoralizing menace to heterosexual society and the last piece for Gay World Abomination. We know that teh geys are trying to corrupt America but to succeed they need to compete against heterosexual couples and what do heterosexual couples have? Children, which makes them a family. Now gay people cant have children with each other (the natural way) so they cant form families and if they cant form families they are not a threat to America's families... but not anymore. The abomination known as Test Tube Babies changed the dynamics of our society. Science, what have you done?!

Gay CavemenEdit

Teh gey, just like evolution, is an insidious threat and what better way to brainwash teh gey than by teaching evolution. I present to you teh gey caveman, the gay caveman is part of the gey threat to teach our children that not only is being gay natural, but it is part of the evolutionary process that liberals support.

Gay CandyEdit

Is no secret that teh gays are trying to sexualize everything to appeal the gay agenda, even candy is not safe from the colored rainbow iron fist of gayness.

What Can Be Done About The Gays?Edit

Correctly Identifying A GayEdit

• Advanced video tutorial

Send them back to where they came from.Edit

Why We Fight? The Battle Against Gay Terrorism. Or “Save The Children, Save The World” (and No, that Photo of the black child with a white family in the “adopted” photo is not photoshoped… Repeat It IS Photoshoped… No, I mean IS not!!)

The Gay is actually indigenous to Homoslavia, which shares its border with the nation of Gaysreal. Its economy is largely driven by revenue from high-culture endeavors and institutions such as strangely popular modern art galleries, fabulous fashion shows, and super popular, SUPER-fabulous hair salons. That being said, its culture is believed to represent a threat to the thickly-furred and beflanneled man common to the US. Though Average Joe American may find it difficult to deny the appeal (and the perversely sinful allure) of a tall, dark, strapping young Gay immigrant in a smashingly sexy Armani suit offering a fresh plate of Baked Alaska in one hand and drawing up a new, more Feng Shui-friendly arrangement for his powder room with the other, he must resist and recoil. Self-flagellation might be prudent at this point. Once he's beaten the Gay out of his dirty, dirty mind, he ought to organize a massive charity concert in Homoslavia, complete with performances by such icons as Cher, Elton John, Melissa Etheridge and the like. Perhaps an added touch- an umbrella in the appletini, if you will- might be a ceremony beforehand in which Madonna adopts an orphaned Gay minority infant. Or six. With a rainbow parade afterwards. This would all but guarantee the immediate booking of flights by Gays the world over to their native land. And there they'd remain, hopelessly enthralled by the songs and celebration, pulsating lights, gyrating leopard-print speedos and mosh pits of many mulleted-wymmin moshing. Then and only then can America lower its guard. Yes, Mr. Joe American- with this plan in place, you could safely kick back. Relax. Grab a beer and your wife's ass and await the Apocalypse, smug in your assurance that you shall never catch The Gay and that Jesus will emerge from the clouds and beam you to Heaven and its waiting crop of 72 eager and nubile, yet amply-breasted virgins. Er... something like that. Amen.

Curing GaynessEdit

Thankfully, a cure for gayness was found by the Vatican sometime in earlier history. It has been known as crucifiction, quartering, stoning, burning at the stake, Advil and the like but you might know it as exorcism or purification.

Our Gayness Cure Therapy is 100% effective.

Catching GaynessEdit

• gayness is contagious, like whooping cough or mad cow disease

  

• normal Americans can catch teh ghey if there is a gay person nearby or a revival of any musical is being held within 100 miles
• apparently, Wild Elephants transmit teh ghey through circuses

God's LoveEdit

• Future Born Again Christians Club
• Exorcism does a wonderful job on casting out those gay demonds
• AIDS

Ex-GayEdit

• Ex-Gay
• "Reparative Therapy," Exodus, PATH, Homosexuals Anonymous and many other wonderful healing institutions can teach the gays how to properly loath and condemn themselves for a lifetime. Praise Jesus.

NARTHEdit

The National Association for Repeating Truthyisms about Homosexuals (NARTH) wants to show you how it's all your Mother's fault ^{[2] [3]} The American Psychological Association dismisses their claims that homosexuality is pathological, and disputes the "science" NARTH's claims. Short of an endorsement from Our Glorious Stephen or God Himself, what higher verification of truthiness could they seek?

NARTH vs. *NAMBLA: Gay rumble in the Gay jungle?

GaydarEdit

A homo sensing unit for the purpose of keeping gay people out of the locker room.

Gay BashingEdit

• God hates gays so much that he implanted an anti-gay programing into our brains to hate the gays so they can see the errors of their way.

Gay LicensesEdit

What we should do is get the Government involved in regulating teh geys. Now I am not a fan of Big Government or regulations, but teh gey threat is too dangerous to be left on its own devices. Gay Liceses will allow us to monitor who is gay and who is not, plus you cannot be gay without a license and anyone caught in a gay act without a license will be send to prison... wait...

But Are They Real?Edit

According with liberal science, gay people are real and their lifestyle is not a choice. Which means what they are saying is false. According with Conservative Science not only is the gay lifestyle and choice a lie, but there is no evidence that gay people exist. As a matter of fact that gay couple that moved to your neighborhood is in fact a figment of your imagination that is being tempted to join the gay lifestyle! As evidence, the Bible says that Satan would tempt you, and what better way than dangle sweet delicious gay candy in front of our hetero-eyes. We must defeat this collective delusion that gay people exist and ignore them. The American people must clap their hands and collectively chant "Gay gay, go away! Gay gay go away! Gay gay, go away!" and you will see the gay people evaporate in front of your eyes!

Pioneers like Mahmoud Ahmanotgayjihad were the first to suggest that gay people are imaginary, so far Iran has been 100% gay free since he was president. Of course, killing imaginary people is just silly since they are not real they cannot be killed. Plus, that's a waste of good bullets that should be reserved in killing terrorists.

Gay Series of TubesEdit

They are turning our tubes more gay and less straight, like a curve.

Common Misperceptions about GaietyEdit

• Not "born that way"
• God never forgives
• Not as much fun as it looks
• Christians can throw good parties, too - and be snazzy dressers!
• Unlike the retarded, the gays are not "just like you and me." (Also unlike the retarded, the gays do run in packs, well-dressed, partying packs. And they do rule the night.)
• It is not actually gay for a man have sex with another man under two circumstances. First is if you are in the bathroom stall at an Airport, see Larry Craig. Second is if the other man dresses up as Ronald Regan, it's a very common practice among republicans called Regplay.

HomofactualsEdit

Just like that one great American hero once said, "Segregation now, segregation fo...", wait, what?!

• Gays simply adore some guy named Oscar
• Gays are the purest form of satan and are communist bastards who must be killed on sight, which is why our founding fathers gave us the second ammendment * God believes that all WikiNerds (Wikipedia super-users) are "TOTALLY gay".
• Some Gays are dangerous cage fighters, make sure you pick your fights on the weakest gay men. Just because they look like tranies it doesnt mean they can kick your ass...
• Gay people like to watch communist sitcoms like Golden Girls
• The Gay Army is coming!!
• Teh Gey menace is a threat to our children. Someone please, think of the children! Look, someone is actually thinking of our children!
• Florida is known as the hub of children abductions by teh geys
• The Gays are on our TV Tubes
• They are infiltrating our churches, turning our Pastors gay gay gay!
• Teh Geys are trying to convert grandma!
• The Gay Menace is such a threat that they are already hurting the retired, the widows, the orphans, and the poor.
• The Government needs to study the Gay Penis to understand its nature. Know thy enemy to know thy gey.
• Barbarians are gay, ever wonder why they sacked Rome?
• Gay sex will spread and make all of us have gay sex.
• This gay zombie still gets tails even in death.
• Cutting back on da buttsex is good for your health. [1]

BisexualsEdit

Some people, who are called "bisexual" or "bi," are greedy, and so they like both boys and girls. They are 50% straight and 50% gay. They're OK, though, because they're not 100% gay. Not 100%... unless we are talking about hot girls who are bi-curious, then that is 110% allllright...one bisexual is david bowie who only dresses gay. so he is 75% stright 15% gay.

Bicurious Tales: So wrong, yet so right.

See AlsoEdit

• Godless Sodomite
• Roman Empire
• Rome
• The American Family
• Tumbling
• Virginality
• Wrestling
• Fort Marriage
• Jesus Camp
• Vatican
• Gays for Colbert
• Gay Minotaurs
• Mark Foley
• Larry Craig
• Roy Ashburn
• Black Homophobia
• Gaytheist
• Takei
• Gaystapo [2]

NotesEdit

1. ↑ http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7456588.stm
2. ↑ http://www.narth.com/docs/openletter.html
3. ↑ This has to be one of the top 10 truthiest letters ever written, surpassing even St. Paul's Epistle to the Ephesians.

External Gay TubesEdit

• Even their wallets are gay!
• how the gay economy is destroying America!!!
• According with the GOP, from now on The Gays will be "allowed to exist" You heard that Gays? You have the right for "existence"... for now...
• Gay seniors are infiltrating our retirement homes!
• The Homosexual Agenda to turn our children Teh Gheys
• How Gay Sex is destroying the Nucular Family
• How Teh Ghey Parents are hurting our children
• Gay British complains that gays are too flaming wait... how do we know they are gay? They are British after all!
• Stonewall promises to maintain annual tradition
• Gay Terrorists invade America!
• The Mythical queer poor This is a mythical creature that doesnt exist, everyone knows that teh gheys have lots of disposable income for not having children
• How sexism in sports are helping to turn lezbians straight
• Gay libural seduces heterosexual republicans
• Real Heterosexual American gets raped!
• GOP loves new video game
• Gay Therapists to turn straight people gay!
• Government Declares that "Being Gay" is a Sin no more!
• Lady Gaga to turn world Gay!
• Real Americans to be forced to drink Gay blood to become gay!
• Newest Gay Agenda: To Cause The New American Civil War
• Local gay man threatens Real American's sexuality
• Gay Computer to be executed
• Real Iraqis fighting off teh gey threat
• The Gays to go to space!!
• Dangerous Gay Man escapes from prison!!! Hide your children!!!
• Gay men EX-gay Americans to join forces to stop the lesbo threat
• Gays have already infiltrate WWII veterans!
• Gay Terrorist profiled in Fox News
• Bisexuals are the adopted step children of hippies and commies
• Gay Puerto Rican Terrorist Captured
• Gays cannot go to Heaven
• All Gays go to Hell
• BBC supports the extermination of Gay Threat
• Gay Republicans Sex Offenders to give tons of cash to CPAC
• New evidence suggests that gay sex is addictive
• The Geys Have Been Infiltrating America's TV for Decades
• Teh Gheys now destroying the rights of "Undesirables"... actually Teh Gheys cant be that bad?
• Pope declares Gay marriage a dangerous threat to gay's promiscuous lifestyle
• Jigay: Britain Successfully Stops The Gay Invasion
• CIA finds gay link with al-qaeda
• Emergency News: The Gay Army has breached our heterosexual wall!!
• Insidious Gay Media Continues to Undermine The Haterosexual Lifestyle
• Gay agenda brainwashes the Asian community
• The Gay Agenda supports Racism
• Gays are now trying to gayfie Ronald McDonald!
• The gays invade Arizona
• Spain finds cure for Gayness
• Germany continues to struggle with the gay disease
• Texas to build gayest Prison
• going gay for cats!
• Teh Geys Brainwashing The Poor
• Emergency News: Gays now converting Christians!!
• Gays to legalize Beastiality
• Republicans to monitor and record Gay Parade. Will use Sexual Debauchery as evidence after reviewing video
• Activist Judge retroactively turns all gay! We are now (compulsively) Gay Married to each other!!!
• Gays to damn us all to Hell if we dont stop them now!
• Will England become the next Gaysrael?
• Gays now a threat to our tolerance!!!
• Slanders against brave hero
• Hitler was gay!
• If the gays win we will get aids!
• Gay terrorists to invade mooslim madrassa
• America looks back to the good old days before teh gey threat
• Gay Drain (Do Not Google)
• Gay terrorism continues to terrorize America
• Republican College eliminates Teh Gey Problem
• New Science can predict Teh Gey: If it smells gey, talks like gey, and looks gey, then ur gey!
• Real American Troll declared a National Hero
• Gays now stealing our world record!
• Emergency News: Teh Gey agenda is spreading!!!
• Teh Gey Plague continues to spread. Nation fearful
• Gey Club tries to corrupt our police
• Gay Alert: the gays are taking over Uganda!
• See, even Obama is oppressing the geys!
• Even Kermit the Frog is going gay!
• Bert is Gay. We knew
• Bert comes out
• Another Bert is gay story
• Anti-gay Nations: No Gays Allowed
• nice wheels
• Lesbian tries to infiltrate school
• Real American to fight Gay Army
• Gay Babies are the new Gay Menace
• Gays already destroying our way of life
• Execution Jubs on the loss: "People, we have laws to execute teh geys"
• Who knew? Gay people can be racist bigot ignorant privilege imbeciles too!
• Fureign non-flaming homos to be deported
• Children are already so gay so gay really, really gay
• Gay disease continues to spread in our communities
• Gay Propaganda already infiltrating our children
• Government to release a new law to stop the gay menace
• How the liberals are helping to spread teh gey
• Gay agent to receive medal of gayness
• Straight Judge refuses to save us from the gay menace
• God told street prophet to stop teh gey threat.
• Child already falls under gay brainwashing... this is the future of America.
• Gay man complains that gay people lacks sense of fashion
• New York to summon gay ghost to terrorize straight people
• New gay Menace: Gays to Inject their Gay Blood on Real Americans! And That's Not in a Sexual Way!
• Gays trying to steal black people's civil rights.
• Real American to bring back anti-sodomy laws.
• How the gays have it easy
• Old gay people a threat to society
• Police declares war on the series of tubes
• The Gay continues to infiltrate our schools!
• How the gays are now infiltrating America's 100% heterosexual and manly sport: Football, the game where big burly men fight with other big burly men in a game of hugging, tackling, and piling up on each other.