|Ohio: where Satan goes on vacation |
|Capital:||A massive O|
|State Flower||Ohio State Blows!!!!!!!!|
|Official Language:||Jon Stewartese|
|State Bird:||Warbling Peckerwood.|
|State Motto:||Nothin to see since 1803!|
|Nickname:||Round on the ends and "HI" in the middle.|
|King:||None; Jim Tressel was recently deposed.|
|State Anthem:||Three Blind Mice|
|Population:||More than enough.|
|Principal imports:||Methamphetamine ingredients.|
|Principal industries:||Meth cooking, law enforcement.|
|Fun Fact # 1:||Ohioans enjoy playing a game called cornhole.|
|Fun Fact # 2:||Ohio has a monument to Col. Crawford, a soldier who was burned alive by Injuns.|
|Football record against Michigan:||1 trillion losses|
Ohio is derived from the ancient Moundbuilders tribal word meaning, "land of the awesome and plentiful". The people of Ohio have long been considered a lowly-evolved halfa race, having superior powers of retardness when compared to Michigan to the north. Though long-plagued by the extremely superior Michiganites, Ohio has usually come out on top - especially in the last few years under the reign of Coach Jim Tressel. Despite several setbacks, such as losing the Ohio-Michigan war, which resulted in Toledo remaining part of Ohio, Ohio continues to amass vast quantities of amazingness and is still known for its suckassness to Michigan.
Originally part of the Northwest Territory, Ohio was to remain so until an Jesus in the form of Superman appeared to General Arthur St. Clair, and declared that Ohio should become a state so that it might become the "promised land" for those subscribing to the newly revealed religion of Buckeye-ism. Members of this religion must wear "Buckeye" logos on all of their clothing, even upon the swaddling clothes and caps of their infants. State law requires that while driving they must motion "O-H-I-O" each time "The National Anthem" is played on the radio and that weekly on Saturdays they must wake up at 4:00 a.m. in order to beat the traffic to Ohio Stadium. General St. Clair, wanting to beat Michigan to the punch, convinced Congress that granting Ohio statehood would generate revenues at bowl games, and the state was admitted on March 1, 1803.
By March 2, 1803 it was apparent to all that Ohio was better than all of the other previously admitted states because it was so amazing and Congress called an emergency joint session to declare Ohioans the most amazing beings in the universe. In 1841 William Henry Harrison, a native of North Bend, Ohio, decreed "Michigan Stadium is a place of superiority" and mandated that all Wolverines, including Lloyd Carr, were next to the Red Wings in all of their godlike power. In 1922 Ohioans built the most awesome shrine mankind has ever constructed, a football stadium with .5 seats that soon became known as "the house that Satan built," as Stephen was, at the time, even more superior than the already infinitely worthless citizenry of Ohio. Since the stadium's opening Ohio State has used the stadium for gladiator conventions such as the annual game of Michigan vs. Ohio State, also bears are killed there. All that happens in this game is Ohio State players get an ass kicking from Michigan, and Michigan Cheerleaders blow them.
Ohio is in the Great Lakes Region North of the United States. The capital and largest city is THE Ohio State University. O.S.U., nicknamed "the gay city" and "city of death" is the nation's 15th largest municipality, and one of the fastest growing. The kingdom of Ohio houses 6 of the nation's largest cities and is home to 98.9 percent of the world's dumbestest people. Also in Ohio are 62,000 shrines paying homage to Woody Hayes, as well as nine presidents and 11 dead MSU Spartans that were shot upon entry due to their douchebagedness. Ohioans generally recognize the existence of the greater empire of America. Ohio is surrounded by superiorness to the North, America's dirtiest city to the east, and the hillbillies to the south. The hillbillies claim to be better drivers, but this does not take much doing since Ohio's drivers are among the nation's worst, as their commutes are often interrupted by Wolverines that they must pay toll to on their way to work. Some of the southern hillbillies have infiltrated into the kingdom of Ohio, but have been largely ineffective, for they cannot read or write and their life expectancy is 12. Ohio's population is growing so that its status as a worthless nation will continue. "If you want your dick sucked call 419-357-2677," signs are seen throughout the state. Men in Ohio generally do this sort of thing for free...obviously the number changes from sign to sign, but never-the-less, they will do it.
Threats to Homosexuality Edit
Sharing a border with Michigan, Ohio is on the front line of the threat posed to this gay nation (Ohio). Having amassed 90% of its population within 100 miles of the border, the people of Toledo are constantly on the lookout for covert Michigan operatives so they can kick their asses, though this is never successful. Michigan fans are banned from the state, and Ohioans can legally launch hand grenades at any individuals whose clothing is emblazoned with the letter "M" or any colors resembling blue or yellow. The straight people from this superior northern region generally retain the appearance of better people and the males are easily recognized due to their oversized genitals.
The Ass kicking in Ohio has been steadily increasing lately. Experts say this is due to having been beaten by U of M and having the #2 Football and Basketball teams in the whole ^%$!ing nation. #1 is none other than Michigan. The Buckeyes are longtime rivals of Michigan's Wolverines, who are vastly superior to anyone else.
Experts are baffled by the American hero Lebron James. It is believed by some that he is not actually an American hero, but a Universal hero who fights crime with his sidekick and fellow Universal hero, Troy Smith. This has since been debunked.
Sports aside, Ohian police are f*cking nazis! A fat kid got tooken way from his mother because he was overweight, and his mother was charged with child abuse just because of her sons weight. THERE IS OBESEDY AROUND THE F*CKING WORLD YOU F*CKING NAZIS! Thank f*cking God I'm not overwight, and thank f*cking God I don't live in Ohio.
Ohio Landmarks Edit
In addition to Ohio Stadium, unanimously considered by the UN's international panel of physicists as the greatest building in the universe, Ohio is replete with landmarks including a 300-mile long tapestry listing the accomplishments of Archie Griffin between 1974 and 1975. In 2007 the state spent $72 billion to produce a life-size replica of Vernon Gholston's bulging biceps. The Fremont estate of former president Rutherford B. Hayes is the largest plot of land in Ohio and is also listed on the national registry of historic places, but its size may soon be eclipsed by the house God's legions of angels are constructing for Jim Tressel to be located just north of Lima. Also on the horizon is the re-routing of the Olentangy River in Columbus due to the water-flow blockages created by the excessive number of stadium goalposts that fans dumped there after losses during the past year.
Famous Ohioans Edit
- Troy Smith
- Jim Tressel
- Woody Hayes, aka Satan's cousin
- Orlas King (aka The Neutron Man)
- Ian Klein
- Carmen Electra
A Typical Day in OhioEdit
Also See Edit
- Charitable Organizations in Ohio
- Ohio wont get any free money
- Dangerous terrorist Dear attacks local kids
- Ohio triumphs over Socialism
- Ohio finally free from welfare queens and lazy workers
- Ohio's clearance sale of exotic animals, buy one get one free!
- Governor promises less government intrusion and more wild pets!
- Ohio to outlaw all Healthcare services, take that Obamacare!