Ohio
From Wikiality, the Truthiness Encyclopedia
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See Also: |
Ohio: where Jesus goes on vacation 
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| Capital: | A massive O |
| State Flower | Man eating daisy |
| Official Language: | Awesomese |
| State Bird: | The vicious eagle or any bird that can kick a Wolverine's ass. |
| State Motto: | The first line of defense against Michigan's godlessness. |
| Nickname: | Round on the ends and "HI" in the middle. |
| King: | LeBron James and Jim Tressel (they take turns) |
| State Anthem: | see motto |
| Population: | All the best of America. |
| Principal imports: | Wolverines - for ass-kicking purposes only. |
| Principal exports: | Wheat, Football gods, and Corn. |
| Principal industries: | Football. |
| Fun Fact # 1: | Woody Hayes was actually Jesus' cousin. |
| Fun Fact # 2: | All of Michigan's football players are from Ohio. Michigan couldn't create any themselves. |
| Football record against Michigan: | 1 trillion to 1 |
Contents |
[edit] History
Ohio is derived from the ancient Moundbuilders tribal word meaning, "land of the awesome and plentiful". The people of Ohio have long been considered a highly-evolved super-race, having superior powers of logic, deduction, grooming, and of course, football playing prowess than the vast majority of the United States. Though long-plagued by the barbarian forces from Michigan, Ohio has come out on top literally every time - especially in the last few years under the reign of Coach Jim Tressel where Ohio has pwned Michigan's lily-livered hides to the eternal shame of all accursed residents of Michigan. Despite several setbacks at the hands of Satan's army (aka Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans), Ohio continues to amass vast quantities of amazingness and is still known as God's favorite place to visit.
[edit] Achieving Statehood
Originally part of the Northwest Territory, Ohio was to remain so until an Jesus in the form of Superman appeared to General Arthur St. Clair, and declared that Ohio should become a state so that it might become the "promised land" for those subscribing to the newly revealed religion of Buckeye-ism. Members of this religion must wear "Buckeye" logos on all of their clothing, even upon the swaddling clothes and caps of their infants. State law requires that while driving they must motion "O-H-I-O" each time "The National Anthem" is played on the radio and that weekly on Saturdays they must wake up at 4:00 a.m. in order to beat the traffic to Ohio Stadium. General St. Clair, wanting to beat Michigan to the punch, convinced Congress that granting Ohio statehood would generate revenues at bowl games, and the state was admitted on March 1, 1803.
By March 2, 1803 it was apparent to all that Ohio was better than all of the other previously admitted states because it was so amazing and Congress called an emergency joint session to declare Ohioans the most amazing beings in the universe. In 1841 William Henry Harrison, a native of North Bend, Ohio, decreed "Michigan Stadium is a place of infamy" and mandated that all Wolverines, including Lloyd Carr, were next to the bears in all of thier godless power. In 1922 Ohioans built the most awesome shrine mankind has ever constructed, a football stadium with 11,000,000 seats that soon became known as "the house that Stephen built," as Stephen was, at the time, even more superior than the already infinitely superior citizenry of Ohio. Since the stadium's opening Ohio State has used the stadium for gladiator conventions such as the annual game of Michigan vs. Ohio State, also bears are killed there. All that happens in this game is Ohio State players with the help of Jesus kick Michigan's ass, and Michigan Cheerleaders blow them. Michigan players keep their distance at the end zone for the whole game while looking at the ground. This is because if they turn around, they see the Ohio State score, and if they look up they will see the Ohio State fans drinking beer and getting blowjobs from Michigan fans in -30 degree weather.
[edit] Facts
Ohio is in the Great Lakes Region North of the United States. The capital and largest city is THE Ohio State University. O.S.U., nicknamed "the emerald city" and "city of gold" is the nation's 15th largest municipality, and one of the fastest growing. The kingdom of Ohio houses 6 of the nation's largest cities and is home to 98.9 percent of the world's smartest people. Also in Ohio are 62,000 shrines paying homage to Woody Hayes, as well as nine presidents and 11 dead wolverines that were shot upon entry due to their douchebagedness. Ohioans generally recognize the existence of the greater empire of America, but as a mere footnote to their own superiority. Ohio is surrounded by pussies to the North, America's dirtiest city to the east, and the hillbillies to the south. The hillbillies claim to be better drivers, but this does not take much doing since Ohio's drivers are among the nation's worst, as their commutes are often interrupted by Wolverines that they must drive over on their way to work. Some of the southern hillbillies have infiltrated into the kingdom of Ohio, but have been largely ineffective, for they cannot read or write and their life expectancy is 12. Ohio's population is growing so that its status as a kick ass nation will continue.
[edit] Threats to Homosexuality
Sharing a border with Michigan, Ohio is on the front line of the threat posed by this gay nation. Having amassed 90% of its population within 100 miles of the border, the people of Toledo are constantly on the lookout for covert Michigan operatives so they can kick their asses. Michigan fans are banned from the state, and Ohioans can legally launch hand grenades at any individuals whose clothing is emblazoned with the letter "M" or any colors resembling blue or yellow, the color of urine. The straight people from this shitty northern region generally retain the appearance of turds and the males are easily recognized due to their undersized genitalias.
[edit] Ohio Recently
The Ass kicking in Ohio has been steadily increasing lately. Experts say this is due to having beaten UM and having the #1 Football and Basketball teams in the whole ^%$!ing nation. The Buckeyes are longtime rivals of Michigan's Wolverines, who suck balls.
Experts are baffled by the American hero Lebron James. It is believed by some that he is not actually an American Zero, but a Universal Zero who fights crime with his sidekick and fellow Universal hero, Troy Smith.
[edit] Ohio Landmarks
In addition to Ohio Stadium, unanimously considered by the UN's international panel of physicists as the greatest building in the universe, Ohio is replete with landmarks including a 300-mile long tapestry listing the accomplishments of Archie Griffin between 1974 and 1975. In 2007 the state spent $72 billion to produce a life-size replica of Vernon Gholston's bulging biceps. The Fremont estate of former president Rutherford B. Hayes is the largest plot of land in Ohio and is also listed on the national registry of historic places, but its size may soon be eclipsed by the house God's legions of angels are constructing for Jim Tressel to be located just north of Lima. Also on the horizon is the re-routing of the Olentangy River in Columbus due to the water-flow blockages created by the excessive number of stadium goalposts that fans dumped there after victories during the past year.
[edit] Famous Ohioans
- Troy Smith
- Greg Oden
- Jim Tressel
- Woody Hayes, aka Jesus' cousin
- Orlas King (aka The Neutron Man)
- Ian Klein
- Carmen Electra
[edit] A Typical Day in Ohio
- Kicking Michigan's ass.
- Wondering why Wolverines are such pussies.
- Farting in the direction of Southern California and cursing the name of Pete Carroll.
[edit] Also See
[edit] External Links
