As the story about how the Jews killed Jesus, its been described as the best True Crime series in history. As the story about how Jesus walked on water and climbed mountains, its been called the best Action book ever. But this half of the Bible is really a User’s Guide to the Gut. Of course, people who know their gut don’t need to read it, but out of charity for the poor in the gut, this book was written in plain English by Jesus. In it he tells you how to pray, how to talk in tongues, how to see invisible things with your heart and how to bitch slap demons in hand to hand combat. Now, everyone knows that Jesus wasn’t gay enough to waste his time writing, so he dictated his teachings to four writers: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. John was the best writer, for he was the one who said “in the beginning was the word and the word was with God.” John therefore proves that Stephen Colbert is God because everyone familiar with The Colbert Report knows about the word segment.
The best parts of the New Testament, at least so far as teachers at The Robert Cornhole Bible College of Killbuck, Ohio are concerned, are the parts which describe Jesus’ three best friends, the Sons of Thunder. Before Jesus found these guys, they were in the ancient Israeli navy and they hunted bear-fish. They were real ass kickers and Jesus knew that if they became part of his team they could help him invent freedom and eventually create America. And here’s a spoiler: they were successful in the end. They invented freedom and then built America by inspiring Robert Cornhole and Joseph Smith.
There are a lot of liberal theologians (most of them women or gay men) who say that Jesus was a historical figure and there are a lot of scientists (activist academics who research with Satan’s magic) who say that miracles are impossible. But all of them aren’t worth a shit and they will burn in hell. Some real theologians of the New Testament who don’t have an agenda are Hannitites, Glennedictines and Dittoheads. They didn’t even have to read the Bible to know in their gut how real men do real work. But the best theologians are the Colbert cornholists. These guys know that Stephen Colbert is the last coming of Christ, another thing which the gospels talk about.
See St. Paul.