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Moses Lake, Washington

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Moses Lake, Washington
is one of the ways God Blessed America.
Moses Lake
Mayor: "That Smartass" Bill Ecret
City Motto:

Ass, Grass or Gas...Nobody Rides for Free

Nickname:Moses' Hole
State Religion:

Capitalism

Theme Song: Dixie
Population: Mostly Overweight
Standard MPH:

As Fast as You Can Get Away

Principal industries:

Factory farms, WalMart, ignorant provincialism

Fun Fact # 1:

$400 Million in Federal farm subsidies have propped up ML from 1995 to 2012

Fun Fact # 2:

Named in US Top Ten Shitty Little Towns by Forbes magazine


'Moses Lake' is a well known speed trap in Washington on Interstate 90 between Seattle and Coeur d'Alene. It is believed that there is a city near the speed trap, but that has never been independently verified.


Moses Lake HistoryEdit

Utterly nowhere, in the middle of a god-forsaken desert, until Socialist work projects at Grand Coulee Dam and the Columbia Basin Reclamation Project brought water and electricity to the surrounding land.  Settled mostly by people who had suffered Depression hard times, and worked hard to create a thriving agricultural economy.  For 50 years after the irrigation water came, not ONE Republican was elected to county office, in remembrance of the GOP obstructionism that had delayed the project for 30 years.

But alas, the generations passed and Farm-Talk Radio convinced the largely ignorant citizens that Big Corporate Farming was the way to go, and that the Socialism that subsidized their American Way of Life was BAAAD.  And thus a hopeful, egalitarian experiment in turning the desert into a productive place became a magnet for conservative hypocrites leeching government subsidized water, electricity, education and direct-cash farm subsidies. All the while pretending they don't know about the millions in state and federal money sent annually to prop up Moses Lake and surrounding Grant County from returning to the desert hell-hole it's pretending not to be.

Moses Lake Today

A meth-riddled WalMartville with no discernable middle class, commonly referred to as MoHo (short for Moses' Hole) or just The Hole. Populated primarily with right-wing retirees, Mormon Birchers, Christo-Fascists, Constitutionalist tax evaders, Posse Comitatus and other "Freemen," along with the usual small-town smattering of drug addicts and high school dropouts. There is also a vibrant Latin-American community which, although at least third-generation American born, is still considered "illegal" by the whitebread townies. MoHo's very existence in the middle of a desolate high-latitude desert is enabled by Federal land reclamation projects, enormous farm subsidies, Socialist irrigation, electrification and internet service programs, State-subsidized schools, roads, law enforcement and other social services . . . and despite all that it's still a hard-scrabble life for the typical MoHo yokel, who proudly believes he's Done It All Himself and Don't Need No Gubmint Interference. As long as he can leech off the agricultural economy created and funded by the progressives he hates.


'A Typical Day In Moses Lake'

Rise and shine with a quick burn on the bubble, and it's off to Sporties for a red beer breakfast while we check out the Fox News hottie telling us what to fear or hate today. Back in the pickup -- it's time to mellow down for work with a couple tokes on the doob in the ashtray and here we are at the Noxious Chemical Plant, ready for another day of shoveling stinking white powder into sacks. The boss man says the stuff is just fertilizer, suppose it probably is because after we sack it up we haul it out by Warden and bury it. Lunchtime we crack open our Book of Mormon and take a reading from the pipe we've stashed within. Bang out and bury another 30 bags and we're back in the pickup, another day another $40, let's pick up some Mexican for dinner. So we wait out back of The Ripple and nab us this hombre, duck-tape and toss him in the bed of the Silverado. Good for a few laughs and then it turns out he's our brother in law, so we just haul el hermano over The Fill out to Papa's, cut him loose and watch him skee-daddle into the bar. Adios, amigo!  

'Moses Lake Landmarks'

  • 'I-90 Speed Trap' - The patriots who work for the Washington State Patrol target hypocritical [[|Seattle]] [[|Liberals]] who dare to drive their imported hybrid cars 72 mph in a 70 zone. American pickup trucks and land yachts are allowed travel safely at 110. Any car sporting University of Washington stickers or license plate holders is impounded.
  • 'Chico's Pizza Parlor' -- World famous for heart-stopping pizza believed by many to induce labor in overdue pregnancies. Possibly the only redeeming thing about Moses Lake, besides the premature puberty in females allegedly linked to Hanford fallout and/or estrogen-mimicking pesticides.
  • 'The Dunes' -- A tourist attraction known statewide as an offroad dirt bike playfield and career training school for teenagers preparing for a career of early parenthood and welfare.
  • 'Third Avenue -- Famous for its line of decorative garbage cans, the street is sometimes referred to in tourist publications as "Receptacle Row."'
  • 'Space Needle' -- This former Seattle landmark was purchased by a local scion and hauled over the Cascades by wagon and mule train to a location on Yonezawa Boulevard near I-90. Some say it's in MoHo to taunt west-siders, others say its to trick Spokanites hoping to escape Eastern Washington into pulling off the freeway. The Needle continues to generate royalty income through its use in the credits of the TV show "Frasier," although images now must be photoshopped to obscure an enormous blinking sign which reads, mysteriously, "PAMP."
  • 'Wheeler -- Infamous shantytown east of MoHo known worldwide for its houses of ill repute. After Wheeler was rezoned as a vocational training facility, the city saw a huge statistical increase in the number of successful dancers, pageant queens, models, and pro athletes.'
  • The Rocky Creek Spillway -- Local rite of passage involves sliding down a 1000-foot agricultural wastewater  canal with a vertical drop of about 300 feet, with stone pillars submerged at the bottom thoughtfully designed to kill people, in a vain attempt to dissuade spillway surfers.  Participants bathe in herbicide and pesticide laden water as they slide down slimy moss and algae covered concrete. 

'What Makes Moses Lake a Crap Hole?

If you have school age children good luck with that. The school district is really only concerned with Tenure, Pensions, Salary, Summers Off, you know, the important stuff. And why bother, when the community regards education as nothing more than Satanic liberal propaganda?

Mostly, its the fact that ML is located in place where God didn't intend for sane humans to live. Everything that isn't sagebrush or sand is artificial, fake, unnatural. Even the fish, game and wildlife have been imported. It's all a horrible, delusional joke -- which seems to attract a certain kind of person to move there, perhaps to retire, because property is so cheap, because...it's a crap hole.  That smells good to a certain type of American.

'Strange laws in Moses Lake'

Illegal to decrease volume or change channel on any television showing Fox News in any public place.

Mandatory weapons training for all elementary school students.

Anyone driving with a correctly spelled Obama sticker on their vehicle may be subject to arrest and indefinite detention for possible terrorist activity.

'Famous People From Moses Lake'

NFL defensive lineman Jason Buck was born in Moses Lake July 27, 1963

  • Actor Matt Cedeño was born in Moses Lake November 14, 1973
  • MLB player Ryan Doumit of the Pittsburgh Pirates was born and raised in Moses Lake.
  • Actor Clarence Gilyard Jr. was born there December 24, 1955 who played in Matlock and Walker, Texas Ranger.
  • Major-league pitcher Dave Heaverlo was born in Ellensburg, Washington but grew up in Moses Lake
  • Medal of Honor recipient in Vietnam Joe Hooper was from Moses Lake
  • Author Bruce Hutton (Mahermis Mathiglias [2007]) was raised in Moses Lake.
  • Daredevil Evel Knievel lived in Moses Lake for some time
  • Inventor Dr. Spence Silver. 3M Scientist first developed Post-it Notes. Born 1941 in the restroom of Danny's tavern to travelers headed to San Antonio, Texas.
  • Sailor, Adventurer Reid Stowe was born January 7, 1952, on Larson Air Force Base near Moses Lake.
  • Model Martha Thomsen was born in Moses Lake January 25, 1957
  • PGA golfer Kirk A. Triplett was born in Moses Lake March 29, 1962
  • NBA player Bryan Warrick of the Washington Bullets, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, and the Indiana Pacers was born in Moses Lake.
  • "So You Think You Can Dance" star Caitlyn Lawson was raised in Moses Lake till her senior year in High School.

'Notable Events in Moses Lake'

Every late May during Memorial Day weekend the Spring Festival is celebrated. The festival includes carnivals & parades as well as many other family activities. Thousands of boaters come for the annual "Churning of the Algae."

Grant County Fair & Rodeo mid August.

Nighttime Lighted Ag parade first week of December

Babe Ruth World Series

The Famous Styx band played at the Ampitheatre in summer of 2010.

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